Promise Me to Please | Please Me #2

So far, in my life, I've had several awkward sexual encounters.

  I think they're a hard thing to miss, really. Whether you have them at fifteen or thirty-five, you will ultimately have one eventually. It may be with a partner; it may be with a stranger. But trust me, there will be at least one... if you're lucky.

   My first one was when I was fourteen and lost my virginity at summer camp. My fifteenth birthday was a month away and there was a guy all the girls were crushing on in the year above. In hindsight, there was no way I had a crush on this guy to begin with, but I think it was one of those pack mentalities.

  It was like when someone wore an ugly pair of shoes, but a few people find them beautiful. All those few people have to be is influential and bam, everyone starts calling those shoes beautiful and begging for a pair for their next birthday. Only to look back years later and wonder why on earth someone wanted those ugly pair of shoes to begin with.

  Don't get me wrong, this guy wasn't ugly. I just wasn't attracted to him. Looking back, that explained a lot.

  All the older girls talked about having sex, they made it out to be this secret club only the cool kids could be in on. Well, I was cool... or at least trying to be. Sienna was cool, she'd completely reinvented herself earlier on in the year and was on her way to becoming the most popular girl in our Grade.

  So perhaps I was desperate to be like her. To have some kind of popularity. To not be in the shadows. Perhaps I let my logic slip aside for one occasion and asked this guy if he wanted to play Uno which I skilfully turned into a version of strip poker.

  Pick up two? More like take off two layers of clothing.

  All in all, I was too young. I'd never seen a penis before, not even in porn. I'd had three kisses in my lifetime: one was a peck in a game of Truth or Dare in the 4th Grade, the other was at my 7th Grade school dance, and the other was a very gropey 7 Minutes in Heaven at my first high school party.

  It wasn't a long first time. Three minutes to be exact. I'd watched the clock from start to finish, and when it was over, I didn't feel any different than what I did three minutes prior. Okay, maybe I felt a little cooler, because I'd slept with the boy all the other girls would die for, but that faded very quickly.

  There was no secret sex club. It was just a bunch of mean girls making people feel bad about themselves because they were desperate to seem older and more mature. Newsflash, they weren't. And when they found out what I'd done, they put shaving cream in my sleeping bag and wrote 'Slut' on my swim locker.

  Sienna was the only person I'd told, I even cried, wishing I could turn back the clock and never do it. I didn't know anything about sex – the biology, sure, but the emotional weight? Absolutely not. In my mind, sex was uncomfortable, messy, unsatisfying, and totally not worth it.

  I'd run into a few more awkward sexual encounters for the rest of high school, barely wanting sex, always scared of more disappointment. I was happier supporting someone like Sienna in her sexual liberation, secretly jealous of how comfortable she was with it all.

  College, I forced myself to open up, be more confident, and find what I liked. And I did. Only by having guys do what I didn't like.

  So, it was safe to say my sexual experiences ranked in all kinds of awkwardness.

  However, none were as bad as the one I'd just had with Christopher Knowles.

  I didn't even want to replay the scene. I'll spare the details because despite my flushed cheeks from the eventual orgasm and shaky legs from how long we'd been going at it, I couldn't even look him in the eye.