Push On Through

Friend, Please

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We've been here for a little while, both of us sipping on our fraps, I of course went for caramel, Patrick went for the cookies and cream one which apparently is his favourite. We laughed when he managed to get the cream on his nose, and when I somehow got some down my jumper. The laughter stops and he looks concerned again. 

"Ruby, I have a funny feeling deep down that there's something you haven't told me. I know that you don't want to talk about why you are feeling the way you are but can you please give me some sort of hint? I can't stop thinking about it and I'm worried sick" He looks down, fiddling with his cardigan sleeves in his hands. 

"Trick, there is something, but please for the love of god don't tell Tyler, Josh knows a little but he doesn't know much so don't tell him either, please" I try and emphasise my point, almost pleading with him. 

"Of course, unless you are in immediate danger I won't tell them, I promise" He pulls out his pinkie finger, and I get mine out too, and with that we made a pinkie promise like children that he wouldn't tell the others. 

"I have been self harming again recently" It came out in an almost whisper due to me speaking so quietly, not wanting people's heads to turn. Patrick has a concerned look in his eyes. 

"How long has that been going on for?"

"I have done it for years, but I hadn't done it for a few months, until the other night and everyday since" I look down into my lap, not wanting to see his face whilst he processes it. 

"When was the last time?" He puts his hands on my knees under the table, making me look at him. 

"Last night" I mumble, barely audible. 

"Oh Ruby, I'm sorry to hear that, it's a horrible thing to go through on your own, is there anything I can do to help?" I shake my head, truth is I don't want to stop doing it. It's the only thing that seems to help, even though it sounds crazy how something like that could help, but it sorta does. 

"Nope, I'm sorry Trick, I won't stop either, I don't want to, I can't. Please don't make me stop" I ramble, looking up at him again, tears are definitely starting to form in my eyes again. Fuck sake Ruby, why did you have to do that? Why did you tell him? You're pathetic. 

"Hey-" He stands up, pulling me up and engulfing me in a warm hug, rubbing my back. Now the tears are definitely escaping. "I am not gonna stand here and say that you shouldn't do that, because you and I both know you shouldn't, but you won't listen to that right now, not whilst you're upset, but please be safe with it. I don't want to have to drag you to the hospital" He pulls away from me and kisses my forehead. I look at him and let a small smile slip. He uses his sleeve to dry up my tears that had fallen whilst he was speaking. " What do you use Ruby?" He whispers into my ear. 

"The same thing I've used this whole time, but you won't find it, I have it well hidden" He nods. I don't want him to take it from me. It's a pencil sharpener I have had for years, keep it in my phone case. That way it's always with me, I know where it is if I need it. People don't tend to look for it when it's there. If I know it's there I wont go looking for other things, at least I know it's clean and I wont get an infection. 

"That's okay, just stay safe little one, please" He looks into my eyes, holding onto both my arms. 

"I'm sorry Patrick" I mumble, looking down. He puts his finger under my chin and makes me look into his eyes. 

"You don't have to be sorry, your brain is being a big meanie and it needs to be quiet. Look, shall we change the subject and then we can go back to the buses?" I nod my head and we do just that. We go on to discuss the random videos he found online, the random memes and soon enough his plan works. I crack a laugh, smiling and I forget what we spoke about for a bit. 

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Me and Patrick are making our way back the buses, I'm gonna quickly pack my bag so it's done. I open the bus door and see Tyler standing there, arms crossed, he looks angry, seems to have been waiting for me to return, even though I messaged him where I was. 

"Why are you stood there like that Ty?" He unfolds his arms and puts his hands into the pockets in his jeans.

"You've been out with Patrick a long time now Ruby, care to explain why you keep going off with him?" Is he serious? 

"Huh?" 

"Don't huh me Ruby, that man is 10 years older than you, this is wrong!" Yeah, he's lost it.

 "I'm sorry but what the actual FUCK Tyler? Who the fuck do you think I am?" I practically spit in his direction. He looks confused. So he fucking should be. 

"So you're not dating Patrick?" I pinch the skin between my eyebrows and close my eyes. I can't believe Tyler is saying this right now. Why on earth would he think I'm dating Patrick of all people. 

"Tyler, is that what you think of me? No, if you really must know, Patrick has been helping me" Tyler's face goes from being concerned to semi relieved to being confused. 

"Helping you how?" Oh dear, am I doing this now? Josh hears what Tyler says and comes out of the living area. He shoots me a look over Tyler's shoulder, one filled with worry. 

"I've not been well Tyler" I take a deep breath. You don't have to tell him everything, just parts. "Josh has been helping me as well as Patrick"

"Why didn't you come to me?" He has a sad look on his face, like I've done something wrong. You have though.