I Wanna Be Loved By You

FAJARDO.

Kahit ako, nagtaka sa sinabi kong 'yon. Bakit nga ba gusto ko pa ring magbalik kami sa dati? May rason pa ba para doon?

Tama ba yung rason ko o hindi? Nakakalito pala talaga. It was all mixed up.

Tumakas ako nung gabi dahil gusto kong humingi ng sorry sa kanya. Kahit masakit ang katawan ko, I still stood up just to say sorry, kahit masama ang pakiramdam ko.

When I came closer to him, nakita ko siyang nakaupo lang pero gusto ko pa ring humingi ng sorry, but he pushed me away again.

I am the reason behind everything — his sadness, his stress — yet I didn't do anything about it. May pumipigil sa akin na gumawa ng paraan.

Gumawa ulit ako ng ikakasakit ng damdamin niya. I knew how much Syd is stressed, drained because of me. Nakakalito rin ako eh, pero mas nakakalito yung nararamdaman ko.

I tried everything. I'd rather hurt him than let my family hurt him even more. Nakakulong lang ako, bawal ako umalis, pero hindi kaya ng konsensya ko kaya tumakas ako.

I just knew if I went home now, I will face hell again.

"You met, isn’t it?" my dad asked when I entered the front door. I just looked unfazed, not wanting to enter any more words. I'm so done.

Nakakapagod na. If I could just die right now, I’ll be happy.

Lumapit siya sa akin at hinawakan ako sa braso nang mahigpit na padabog ako. This is nothing compared to the things I faced when I was a kid.

Then the vacation started again. Nagyayaan kami sa El Nido. Guess what? Before I even came here, nangako ako sa magulang ko kahit ayaw ko.

They threatened me na tatanggalan nila ng scholarship si Seth kapag hindi ako tumigil at gumawa ng paraan para mawala ang nararamdaman niya — but I just can’t.

But for him, ayaw kong matanggalan siya ng scholarship kaya ginawa ko ang dapat kong gawin. Every word that escaped from my lips — I regret it.

Gumawa ako ng paraan, tyumempo ako ng tamang oras. Kita ko siya sa peripheral vision ko.

I let the smoke out from my mouth. I took a deep breath before answering Dio.

"Try to explore, Dio. Wala namang masama. You are still young, have a lot of time to explore things you want," aniya ni Abel at tiningnan ako.

"Gustuhin ko man pero hindi ko kaya. I'm straight, and I can't see myself having a man by my side. It's too off for me. Sorry for the word, but I just can't," I muttered, showing no emotion at all, so he could feel it.

I put my cigarette between my lips, inhaling the menthol until it enters my lungs and blowing it off in the cold breeze.

Bakit ba sumusunod ako sa kagustuhan ng magulang ko para sa akin? They are controlling me — how I think and how I decide.

How could I back away from this hell? I wanted to be free. I wanted to stop hurting him.

Sa buong araw na nagdaan dito sa El Nido, ang inaalala ko ay siya. He is avoiding me — which is what I wanted him to do — yet my heart feels heavy when he was doing it.

I want his presence beside me and I couldn't do anything. I looked at him softly when he was talking to someone. Ngayon ko lang mapagtanto na the person who cared for me the most is slowly fading away from my life.

I slowly walked towards him. He was facing the glass window. I hugged him from behind, feeling his scent. Ewan ko kung bakit ko ginawa, but I feel like I just wanted to soothe his feelings.