I Wanna Be Loved By You

36

"Bakit, Radio? Saan ba ako nagkulang?" tanong niya. Yung boses niya ay halata nang paiyak na siya. Kinalas niya ang pagkakahawak ko sa kanya kaya lumayo ako.

Hinarap niya ako, "Don't do this to me. Stop acting like you care for me kahit hindi naman talaga, kasi masakit dito oh," aniya at tinuro ang puso niya. I know what it means. Wala akong magawa.

I'm sorry, sorry sa lahat, but none of it came out from my mouth — it was like sealed.

"Ayaw ko na, Dio. Tama na. Ayaw ko nang maghabol. Ayaw ko nang umasa kasi nakakapagod na. If I can't be your lover, then we can't be friends."

Humikbi na siya. Ayaw ko rin na paasahan ka, Syd. Ayaw ko. I'm just doing this so you could be safe.

"Just stop acting like you ever liked me. Don’t give me mixed signals. At saka ang sagot ko sa tanong mo: ayaw ko nang maging kaibigan mo," he blurted out. Sinagot niya ang tanong ko noon.

Nasaktan ako because the person I used to be so close with vanished like ash in the wind.

He sobbed so hard because of the feelings he keeps. It hurts as hell but I still composed myself, pretending that it doesn't affect me at all.

I put both of my hands on his arms and looked at him directly. I closed my eyes and sighed.

"I'm just saving our friendship, Syd."

"Di mo ba maintindihan? I'm trying to save this friendship. Just stop it," may diin kong sabi sa kanya. I'm not mad but I had to show it.

"Just stop your delusions. Nothing will change. Everything will not change," I said and sighed.

He cried more hearing me say those words. I hated it when he cried because of me, but I had to — even if it hurt the both of us.

I really cared for him for so long. Hindi ko man maipakita, but I’m trying my best to let him feel it.

I was heartless.

"Inisip mo man lang ba yung pagkakaibigan natin, Syd? Hindi, 'di ba? Because you are selfish. I was the one who saved this friendship over and over again," ani ko nang seryoso. Saying these words made my heart shrink.

"I cared for you because you are my friend. Pero anong ginawa mo? You thought something else. It's your fault," I said frustratedly. I had to act like it’s something so serious.

Sana mapatawad mo ako, Syd, sa lahat ng ginawa ko para sa’yo. I truly care for you. I did, and I always will. But caring for you makes you suffer more than I am.

"Bakit, eh alam mo namang gusto kita, 'di ba? Bakit, sinabi ko ba na i-save mo yung pagkakaibigan natin? Hindi, 'di ba? 'Wag mong isisi ang lahat sa akin, Radio." He closed his eyes and inhaled deeply.

"If you really cared for me as a friend, matagal mo nang sinabi sa akin na layuan kita. What did you expect me to do? Pigilan ang lahat ng nararamdaman ko?" he stopped for a moment.

"You told me you wanted me to be your friend again. Sa tingin mo madali 'yon para sa akin, ha? Nakalimutan ang lahat at tanggapin ang lahat?"

He was mad at me. Magalit ka lang kasi deserve kong magalit ka sa akin dahil sa lahat ng ginawa ko sa’yo.

"Kaibigan kita, Dio, eh. Tinanggap ko kahit labag sa loob ko. 'Di ako sumuko. Akala mo ba ikaw lang ang nagsa-save ng friendship natin? Hindi lang ikaw, kasi all this time ako lang ang umiintindi diyan sa kagustuhan mo. Mali ba ako?"

Natamaan ako sa sinabi niya. Napaisip ako. All this time, he was the one who understood me and never left my side.

"I chose to be there for you because I knew no one else is there to be with you." He hiccuped. It made my heart shatter. I realized things, yet this one made my heart cry out in pain and regrets.