Disproving Calculations - Part 1

(Wednesday, at work)

"You need to help me, I have no idea what's going on."

"Going on with what?"

"You know what I mean, on this subject, you always know. I'm talking about Ilyana. You know, I know that you tried to pair me with someone. Now, you found someone. Someone I really like. My mother told me, people have to live with the consequences of their doing. The consequence of what you did is, that I believe, that I have a chance here I will most likely never have again. I calculated how likely it was, that 'the girl' for me would come. For the next five years, it was almost impossible. So, I didn't think about it, you might have noticed, I stopped asking questions about all that stuff. Not because anyone helped me, but I thought, I wouldn't need to know anything. Not yet. Now, my problem is not that the last girl I slept with hates me and thinks I'm a terrible lover, it's that there is a girl I really like. I want to kiss her, I want to hold her hand, I want to punch this guy who made an effort to talk with her in the face!" he confused himself, with the last words, which left his mouth before he really thought about it.

He lets himself fall on Angela's sofa, head in his hands. She just looks at him, shocked, trying to process what she just heard.

"Zack... you're okay?"

"No. No, I'm not okay. Would you please tell me what to do? Please, Angela. I don't need any help about sex now, I think I don't have to think about that for now, but what do I do, so she keeps liking me? I solved every other problem in my life with logic. Let me give you an example: I was bullied in school. The only thing that helped, was that I knew, they didn't know me. They never really talked to me. So, they don't know me, it's not me they don't like, it's what they think who I am. Now, I'm here, you're all nice, you all love me, you said. I can accept that, because it's like my mother loves me, right? But Ilyana, she's not one of us, but she likes me and no one can tell me what the hell I have to do know..."

"Okay, okay, Zack. Calm down. I never saw you... like this."

"Like this, like what? Having feelings?"

"I know you're not a robot, Zack. But... you usually seem more... controlled?"

"Because I have control. Not a lot, not about everything, but still enough. What do you think, why I don't even ride a bike? Now, I feel like there is nothing I can do. There are only these two options for me: A, She will be my girlfriend or whatever, so I can do everything with her I want. B, I can never see her again. And there is no way for me, to determine any probabilities. I don't even know how all this happened! There were women in my life, I thought about. But not like I now think about her. I didn't expect this by myself."

Angela needs to think. There would be a lot of things Zack could have told her, she wouldn't wonder about. Now she was shocked, but also, she realized, she was right. Zack needed to learn at least one more thing about life: Things happen. Without being calculated or even expectable.

"So, there is no other possibility?"

"No. I can't just be friends or something with the first person I ever met, who finally sets up this chemical reaction in me. I understand now, why everyone freaks out about love all the time. Even if it's true, it doesn't feel like it's only chemistry, hormones and instinct, what makes you think like that. And when I can't have, what I wish for, I'd rather never see her again."

"Wow."

"Wow, what?"

"She did all this to you, after you saw her one time, but you're not afraid to try it? How did you actually stayed cool, when you were with her?"

"Not at all, I thought about it, I have nothing to lose, like people say, right? And you mean 'cool', like relaxed?"

"Um, yes."

"I wasn't relaxed. But drunk. I assume, it helped. But I think I should be able to at least look 'cool' the next time I see her. That's why I need your help. Every time, I ask Hodgins something about sex and woman, even about love, he would answer 'It's like riding a bike, you learn it, by doing.'"

"Okay. So, basically you say, you want to ride a mountain bike down the mount Everest, but you can't ride a bike now?"

He needs to think about that. Angela wants to know, if he gets it, so she waits.

"Yes, I understand that. I think."

"You will have a hard ride, with fear, surprises and probably a few cuts, before you get to the bottom of the mountain, from where the whole world will lay down to your feet. And it is possible, that you fall off your bike before you get there, don't forget that."

He only gives her a very questioning look.

"I'll help you, but don't forget, it's still possible, that it won't work out."

"I know now, that you can't know things like that. Because you can't calculate it."

"Right. But if you don't screw this up, I think this is actually going to work out."

"So, what do I do first?"

"Get her number. And don't say something like 'Things I want to do with her', that sounds creepy..."

"Alright."