Back To You ?River Phoenix?

Crickets chirped and frogs croaked as I sat on the bed, staring out of the window at the moonlit backyard, immersed in my thoughts. 

It was odd. Whenever I arrived, I had felt extremely lost. Confused, scared, anxious— everything felt like it was slipping uncontrollably through my fingers. And here I was, still with that sinking pit of dread within my stomach- but it was less prevalent- more faint. I felt... better. it was like these people were my family. They had a magical way to erase my worries.

A soft knock at the door jolted me from my thoughts. I hesitantly walked over to the door, a small part of me knowing that I was nowhere near presentable with my damp and tangled hair, the smell of rain and earth clinging to me. Although, if it was one of the kids, they wouldn't care. Pushing my insecurities aside, I open the door to see— River. 

Jesus, River. The sight of him sends my body reeling. It's like my stomach drops but my heart pounds, all kinds of new emotions washing in on top of the ones I was already experiencing. We're things different? Now that Wil was gone? I wanted to cry- everything was too much. Too many questions. Too confusing.

I can't speak. There's a tightness in my throat, and my body feels as though it's caught aflame. River smiles sympathetically, his blue eyes carefully taking in every inch of my face. I pray that he can't sense my distress. "Can I-"

"Sure. I mean— like, not if you don't- wait, no." Word vomit. In my state? Things only seemed to get worse. "Why would you— nevermind. Come in." I back away from him, my hands shaking. I try to tell myself not to worry- it's just River. And all of that underlying guilt about... well, feelings- that can disappear. I don't have Wil to worry about. I push these thoughts aside, settling  for  sitting  down.

"So you and Wil are a no-go?" His soothing voice prods through the silence, concern just barely etched into his slightly furrowed brow.

"Yeah, no-go." I laugh softly, feeling the familiar tug at my heartstrings.

"I'm sorry. I know how it feels." He says softly, "You don't have to pretend like you don't care."

I feel him sit down beside me. Pull yourself together, Lydia. He's never seen you break. Now isn't the time to do so. The world seemed to sway beneath my feet with every thought, the walls crumbling around me.

Will and I's split- that was the blow that started the destruction. "It's really not a big deal." I whisper hoarsely. Why was my throat so tight? Why did my eyes burn? And my stomach felt so tight-

"You're lying." He responded almost immediately, blue eyes locked with my brown ones. "I can tell. You don't have to keep anything from me, you know."

He gently takes my hands in his and I note that his hands are warm, just barely roughed up with callouses. I avoid his gaze now, scared because I know he can read me like a book. If I looked at him he could see the pain, the glassy sheen of tears, the weakness... He won't allow it though, taking my chin in his hand and turning my head towards him.

"Lydia... it's okay."

Okay to what? What's okay? I'm not. Is it okay to cry? No. No... All of this reminds me of the revelation I had the last time I was with him. His expression, his gentle caresses- I was in love with him. It was painfully obvious. And I was still in love with him. I had always been in love with him, even when I was with Wil.

But I had wanted Wil. I'd wanted to keep him, only to be near him. And that's why it hurt so much. I had lost my anchor.

"River, I needed him." I choke out, feeling my throat begin to refuse my words.

"I know. I know, Lyd." His hand moves to my cheek. "Please, talk to me."

"I just-" I started, my emotions bubbling up more and more by the second. "I didn't know why everything we had just disappeared, but it did. I- I loved him, but I didn't feel anything with him anymore- but it's like I had attached myself or something- and when it ended—"

I felt the tears slipping down my face and a sob racked my shoulders. "I don't know what's wrong with me!" I finally cried, everything snapping within me.

He pulls me onto his lap and my legs and arms automatically wrap around him. I gasp for breath between some of the most intense sobs, unable to breathe or think. Just cry. But with all of this chaos inside me, River is steady around me. He anchors me with his hands, one cradling my head and the other pressed soothingly against my back.

"Nothing's wrong with you, love." He murmurs, "nothing."

I hiccup in some air, but the sobbing doesn't stop for a while. River is oh-so-patient, murmuring sweet and soothing phrases, shushing me. After a what feels like forever, he squeezes my shaking form.

"Lyd. Look, you're going to make yourself sick." He pulls back, easing my face out of the crook of his shoulder. I can't imagine how terrible I look, all red-nosed, tear stained, and puffy-eyed, but he still kisses my forehead, sending my skin ablaze. In a moment of achingly sweet deja vu, he peppers light kisses across my face, slowly soothing me as my sobs reside into hiccups and sniffles.

"River- Riv-" I say shakily, desperately placing my hands on his face. My eyes roam his, and he rests his hands atop mine.

"I'm here." He encourages.

In that moment- when our eyes met- every doubt vanished. Within my swirling emotions and wild thoughts, I finally managed to force out what I'd been aching to say for years. "River- I think I'm in love with you.

He nods, a small smile growing onto his face. "I know. I'm in love with you too."

As my heart soars, I push forward and break the last barrier, easing our lips together. It's as if everything inside of me reacts. It's as if I could hear the beating of wings in my ear, butterflies in my stomach turning into some type of tornado. It's as if I'm feeling some sort of bliss, the world spinning dizzily around me. He kisses back in a heartbeat, his soft lips moving perfectly against mine.

I tumble against him, intense euphoria slipping into the most intense exhaustion I'd ever felt. My breathing stinted and my mind a mess, I know that I need nothing but sleep. And River must too, because he's already easing me off into sleep, holding me flush against him, and aiding me as I finally fall away.