Empty

During my drive home, I have my music blasting, yet I can't hear any of it over the thoughts circling my brain right now. I don't like her, I can't like her. I'm with Laila. Laila is beautiful, sexy, charming, smart, and deserves for me to give her the world. I don't even know Cargo-Pants, for all I know she can be a horrible person who's great at masking herself.

I keep reminding myself, the grass ain't always greener. Being near Cargo-Pants makes me forget about my girl, my world, my soon-to-be fiancée. I need to stay away from her. She's dangerous for me, and I can't risk anything. She's not worth it. She's not my type.

I pull my car into my parking spot, grab my bags, and lock the car. I pull my keys out, wave to the concierge, and make my way into the elevator of my building and ride it up to my condo. My head is still crowded as I open the door, but my thoughts escape me instantly as I see Laila standing in the kitchen as I had requested her to do earlier- naked. Oh my God, she is so beautiful. I stand there just admiring her, until she finally says something.

"Hey there, Mr. Dalton," she leans her body against the counter tops, "you hungry?" If only she knew. I quickly set my things down, take my shoes off, and rip my sweatshirt off. I rush to her, grab her face, and begin kissing her passionately.

"Oh, so you missed me," She laughs.

I pause for a second, to lean in towards her shoulder to whisper, "can we skip to dessert?" She giggles. I lift her body up onto the countertop and spread her legs and lower myself down to make her feel like the most special woman in the world while she gently pulls on my hair and begins to moan.

I lower her back onto the floor, turn her around, and admire the view of her backside. My hands work their way down from her neck to her ass. Feeling her cheeks makes me think of Cargo-Pants and her petite, yet bubbly butt. I begin to picture what her butt looks like nude, but snap back to reality when I hear Laila's voice. Shit.

"Are you going to make love to me today or not?" I place one hand on her shoulders and lean in towards her.

Once we finish, Laila turns around to plant a kiss on my lips. Her kiss is gentle, yet passionate, though I'm struggling to reciprocate the passion as my thoughts are clouded from thinking about Cargo-Pants.

"Go shower, I'll get your dinner ready," Laila says while giving me a half smile.

"I'm going to marry you one day," I promise. "I love you, Laila," I say looking at her, feeling like I'm lying in this moment.

Laila reaches up to stroke my beard before giving me another gentle kiss.

I watch her put her robe on. Laila has a tall yet curvy figure and her sexy little satin robe sits so perfectly on her body.

In this moment, Cargo-Pants infiltrates my brain once again as I can't help but imagine having her small waist in my grip, my fingers running through her long black hair, and my-

I snap myself out of this image before I no longer can look Cargo-Pants in the eyes.

I love Laila. Laila is my woman, my life, and my future.

That is non-negotiable. 

... 

I pull into the parking lot and decide to choose a parking spot further away from the door, so I can get more steps in for the day. I stay in my car waiting for the song to finish. I lean my head back and close my eyes. I begin to think about Cargo-Pants, but stop myself and replace those thoughts with Laila to remind myself that I'm meant to be with her.

I remember sitting in one of my foundational education courses in college being asked what my "why"is for becoming a teacher. When I was first asked this question, I wasn't sure how to respond. I knew I wanted to work with kids, but I couldn't put words to it. I remember pondering on this question throughout the first year of taking education classes, when it finally dawned on me while walking through the halls and finding a poster of the military. I remember seeing that poster, a little over a year later after it happened. I remember running to my car to let myself break down. I cried. Actually, no, I sobbed. While the memory of this is blurry, my one clear memory is Laila. She happened to, in that very horrible moment, Laila just happened to call me and gave me everything I needed during that time- clarity. She's my reason for persevering, but my "why" for being a teacher are those innocent children of war. They will always hold a special place in my heart.

I open my eyes and realize a whole new song is playing. I look out the window and take a deep breath.

Today I will meet new kids. Not Afghan kids. Not kids from my rundown community in the city. These kids are actually allowed to be kids and my job is to help them be kids. I should be more excited than I am, but can't help the feeling of guilt I'm having that I should be with them right now.

I take another deep breath. No matter what, I'll never forget those kids. They'll always be a part of me, wherever I end up.

I open the car door, I grab my backpack and I get out of the car. As I'm putting my backpack on, I look up and notice Cargo-Pants getting out of her car and my mood becomes uplifted instantly. For some reason, I didn't expect her to have the car that she has. Then again, there wasn't really much of an expectation that I should have because I don't know her, nor do I need to know her.

Her car is a newer glossy black Honda Civic that has tinted windows and black rims with red brake calipers. Today, she's wearing the same style jogger cargo-pants as yesterday, but the ones she has on today are black which she paired with a gray Autism Awareness shirt and gray Adidas gym shoes. Her hair is down again.

She turns around and looks directly at me, so I immediately say "good morning!"

She waves and quietly repeats, "good morning." I forgot how small-boned she was, but even her hands match the rest of her proportions. Her little wave was so cute.

I shouldn't keep talking to her, I know. I need to keep my distance from her, I know. But being near her is like finding an oasis in the middle of the desert- I need to be near her.

"How are you?" I stop to wait for her, indicating that I want to walk with her.

She quickly looks up at me and says, "good! How are you doing?" Then, quickly puts her head back down. I wish she didn't do that. I wish she didn't hide her face so much.

"Good, thank you," I say as we walk through the parking lot side-by-side for what feels like an eternity. She isn't saying anything and neither am I. Honestly, I'm too damn nervous to speak.

I'm trying so hard to think of what to say and all I can force out of my mouth is, "it's really hot out today."

She laughs quietly, "yeah. I hear it's supposed to be pretty hot for the next couple of days."

"Darn. I'm ready for Fall." She nods in agreement.

Once we're in the building, I think she gets tired of our awkward walk when she says, "I'll see you later," and makes a turn down a different hallway. The long way. I made her take the LONG way. God, I really am one giant idiot. I should've been the one to go the long way, her short legs deserve a shorter distance.

"Have a good one," I say, forcing a smile. I continue walking down this overly social hallway.

"Good morning!" A high-pitched voice says to me.

"Mornin'," I wave.

"Hello," the sing-songy voice sings.

"How are you?" I ask while continuing to walk.

"Oh, just great!"

"Hi!"

"Hello," I responded.

"Mr. Dalton!" Says the one teacher who talked to me yesterday. I think her name was Melissa?

"Hey, how's it going?" I smile.

"Good. Have you seen Ada?" She asks. My heart sinks as I recall the horrible moment where I made her feel so uncomfortable that she felt the need to take the long way to her classroom.

"Yeah, she went around." When I say this, she immediately bites her lower lip.

"You mind, letting her know I need to talk to her? She's not responding to my texts and I know you pass her room on your way to yours."

I shake my head, "not at all. I'll let her know for sure." Great, a reason to force Ada into another awkward encounter with me. Thanks, woman.

"Thanks so much. You're literally the best!" She goes back into her classroom as I turn the corner to my hallway. My much quieter, calmer hallway where my eyes spot a beautiful figure walking towards me. My heart begins to beat faster as I'm preparing myself to make this poor girl uncomfortable again.

Cargo-Pants and I exchange smiles as we pass each other to get to our classrooms and I'm so taken away by her presence that I have zero ability to cough up any words.

We both unlock our doors, enter our rooms, and close the doors behind us.