??????? ???? ??? ??? | ?

*Erin's POV*

The only good thing about this day was that I didn't need to worry about Rylan because he was with Kim, who kindly offered to take him.
A few minutes ago Adam came to take Grace with him to Kim and Rylan. Grace was protesting and said that she wouldn't leave Jay's side but I told her I would stay in the hospital and would call her the second Jay would wake up.
She yawned and then realized that she was tired and couldn't do anything for her father at the moment.
"Sure you don't want me here?" The rest of the unit had already left because there was nothing to do for Jay right now, but Hank was still with me.
"Yeah, I'm sure. I just need a little time to myself to come to terms with all of this. I'll get in touch as soon as I hear something." I gave him a final hug and than he left.
Nobody had told me to leave because they all knew that I wouldn't leave the hospital till I knew what was going on with Jay.
After the machines started beeping again alot of doctors rushed in and took him to another emergency surgery because a seam had come loose and he was bleeding inward.
So now I was sitting in the doctors lounge because Will agreed with the other doctors that it was fine.
"Erin?" Will came in the room.
"Is he out of surgery?" I was hopeful, but my hope was shattered when Will shook his head.
"But I just talked to Connor, he said Jay is stable and they're about to finish the operation. But Erin, I hate to tell you this, but even if he manages the operation, the hours after that are crucial." Will placed his hand on my shoulder.
"I know... but if he comes out of the surgery well, I can at least breathe a sigh of relief." I looked at Will.
"Yeah, I know what you mean. I need to see a patient but I'll be back the second I hear something." He than left and I was alone again.
Some time in the night I needed to sleep because it had been more than 24 hours till I slept the last time.
My sleep was restless. Everything was full of black clouds and whatever ghosts haunted me.
I woke up suddenly when I heard a loud sound, but it only signaled that a new patient was coming.
As I looked at my phone there was a message from Kim, but it was probably written by Grace because it said.

Hey mommy, how is dad doing?

Don't have any news yet. I will call you if I do.

I answered her and than put my phone away because I did not want to get sidetracked while waiting for Jay.
At around 3am Will came in again and didn't look like he had bad news.
"So, Jay is out of surgery, there had been some complications, that's also the reason why it took until now, but now he's on the intensive ward and you can see him, but he's not awake yet." I got up and ran up to the ward and entered the room Will told me Jay was in.
When I saw him a tremendous load off me, of course Will was right, but seeing Jay just made me feel better.
I sat down next to his bed and grabbed his hand.
"I don't know if you can hear me, which might be better, but the first thing I wanted to say was that I love you, Jay Halstead. When I saw you lay there on the floor and ... and when I couldn't find a pulse ... damn it Jay, I thought you were dead. I can't imagine a life without you. Or wake up for Grace, you are everything to her. She has already contacted me several times to ask if there is any news about you. Or Rylan, imagine him having to grow up without a father. What I'm saying with my stammering is that I need you Jay. You have to come back to me. " I wasn't sure if he heard me because I got no reaction.
Everything I said had to be said. Nobody I told would have understood and now pouring out my heart to Jay was the only thing that felt right at the moment, even if he hadn't heard it.