Tethered ? Awsten Knight

Part 52

"We could maybe boil them down and add a little butter for a ganache to drizzle on the cookies..." I thought outloud as Awsten wrapped his arms all the way around me and rested his chin on my shoulder. "Or we could chop of the kisses for the chocolate chips."

"I think I have some left over chocolate chips. That doesn't break the rule?" Ginny asked.

"No." I laughed lightly and felt my stomach twist. The guilt was hitting again. "Chocolate chips definitely aren't cheating."

"Would peppermint be bad?" Sam asked, motioning to the couple of candy canes on the kitchen island. "I have no idea how those would hold up crushes in the oven...like how they would melt..."

"I actually don't know either..." I put my hands over Awsten's, my heart racing a bit inside my chest.

This was more than just baking cookies to me.

This was a family tradition that I hadn't touched for years because it was painful - and it was weird without her.

Part of this felt wrong - this was all Awsten's family. My dad wasn't here. My brother wasn't here.

I'd managed to keep it together all this time leading up to Christmas - at least about my mom.

I was feeling guilty for doing this with someone else.

And for some reason it was giving me anxiety.

"We could probably just use a chocolate chips cookie recipe." Ginny turned around and pulled out a baking cookbook that was tucked into the corner of the count.

"There's one on the back of this bag too it looks like." Gracie was reading the chocolate chip bag.

"Either would be fine I think." Awsten shrugged against me. "After all, they're trash cookies."

"I'll be right back." I patted his hands as a signal for him to let go. "I just need to use the restroom."

"Okay." He let go of me and I left the kitchen, scooting through the hallway and into the downstairs bathroom.

I heard their laughter in the kitchen after and I felt relief flood through me knowing I could just have a minute to myself. Everyone was distracted.

I locked the door behind me, put the toilet seat cover all the way down, and plopped myself down on top of it and took a breath.

It had been three years - it wasn't too soon for this - in the same way it wasn't too soon for Dad to be moving on with his life.

We were all moving on - and it's not like it was like we were forgetting her.

I knew everyone was trying to help me keep my mom's memory alive - and it was so sweet...but hard.

Nobody in the room really understood - not in the way my dad and brother did.

And I even felt guilty for spending so much time here at Awsten's parents house with him instead of with my dad - who could be alone right now in that house.

Maybe Gretchen was with him.

Maybe Sean was...maybe Claire was with him too. They were both staying at my dad's. Claire was sleeping in my room - at least that's what they told my dad.

But Awsten's family was amazing. I loved it here and I felt right at home - it didn't make sense for me to be feeling shitty about this.

I know Mom wouldn't want me to.

There was a light knock on the door and I froze. My heartbeat picked up in my chest as I heard a familiar voice.

"Tatum? You okay?"