ENJOY A DOUBLE CHAPTER ON THIS HOLIDAY WEEKEND
ITS A LITTLE SAD.
NO SPICE THIS CHAPTER IN THE WAY IT HAS BEEN BUT I THINK WE'RE ABOUT TO SEE SOMEBODY GET SPICIER!?
YOU'LL SEE WHAT I MEAN.
PUT ON YOUR SAD GIRL PLAYLISTS.
BYE!!!
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Wednesday
5:36 PM
I'd been at this studio since 7 am.
We started filming at nine.
It was more than an eight hour day and I was so tired.
Awsten had picked me up though and brought me coffee. He had to be on the side of town early today anyway for a breakfast meeting he had.
With who I don't know.
But he wouldn't be coming and picking me up just to go to a breakfast with another woman.
I know I'm a bit paranoid - I know.
He was waiting for me outside right now. We were going to get ice cream to celebrate my last music video under Andromeda...and I wasn't going to this party.
Even Cailey was.
I think I was the only one not going.
I had slipped on an oversized tshirt I had cut the collar off of and threw on a pair of leggings before hanging up the outfit I had worn today.
I'd also been wearing this makeup since 7:30 this morning.
"Have fun." I told Cailey as I adjusted my bag on my shoulder.
"You're not coming?"
"No..." I said slowly and rocked on my heels. "Awsten is actually outside waiting for me. I'm going to get ice cream with him instead."
"Okay, I wish you were coming though. I'm sure you could bring him if you wanted."
"I don't think we're there yet," I said honestly. "Plus I just...don't want to be around the alcohol and everything."
"That's fair, I get it. Well text me and we can go get lunch or something soon?"
"Sure, I'd love to. I'll see ya."
"See ya!" And I was headed out of the studio.
There was a crowd gathered on the sidewalk and I spotted Awsten's car, ready to start the walk over when I was stopped by a hand on my arm.
"Tatum, wait."
It was Erik.
"Oh, hi." My eyes moved to his hand as he let go, clearing his throat a little bit.
"Uh, are you coming? To the party out downtown?"
"No, I actually have other plans." I shook my head and held onto my bag with both hands now while I shifted on my feet.
"You made other plans on the night of our big celebration?!" Erik pretended to gasp.
"Yeah...I just leave tomorrow morning to go home for a few days and I have some stuff to do." I kinda lied.
Awsten wasn't my boyfriend so I couldn't say that.
I couldn't say I had a date because we were keeping things private.
"Just do it after, come on Tatum!"
"I'm sorry, I have someone waiting for me. I have to go." I took a step back, then turned with a wave and walked in the direction of Awsten's car and put my bag in the backseat before I got in on the passenger side.
"Hey." I smiled at him and clicked in my seatbelt on.
"Hey." He smiled a little, his eyes flickering back and forth in the rearview mirror.
I leaned in and slipped my hand on his cheek and pecked his lips, feeling the tension leave my body that it was holding on to from a few moments ago.
"Who was that?" He asked, looking in my rearview mirror back at some of my co-workers - I guess you could call them that anyway. Well not anymore.
Erik was still there.
"Who? Erik? The guy?" My mouth got dry.
"Yeah...Erik..."
"He's just a guy. A bit arrogant. He's one of the people that got signed to Frank Robinson during this whole blow up."
"That's the big manager that you also have a meeting with, right? Next week?"
"Yeah..." I nodded, watching Awsten's jaw clench a little. "What?"
"Nothing." He shrugged, going to put the car out of park but I stopped him with my hand over his and scooted closer.
It was not nothing.
"Hey, come on." I said softly. "What is it?"
"He's into you."
"Him?" I laughed a little. "What makes you say that?"
"The way he grabbed your arm like that to get your attention as you were walking away. He didn't want you to go without seeing him."
I sighed now and he looked away, his hand still on the gear shift.
"Hey..." I reached up and turned his head so he looked at me and moved my thumb along his cheek before I kissed him. "Nothing to worry about with Erik, okay?"
"Okay."
But he wasn't my boyfriend. Even if there was anything to worry about, it shouldn't matter.
"Thanks for picking me up." I kissed him one more time and made sure it was longer, feeling that slight smirk that had started to feel familiar on his lips.
"Of course." I let go of his hand now and ran my fingers through his hair.
"Still up for ice cream?"
"I'm never going to say no to ice cream." He smiled as he put the car in reverse and backed out of our parking spot. "You look very cute by the way."
"Really!?" I asked playfully and looked down at myself. "In my dance clothes?"
"I think that's why I like it." He blushed a little. "It reminds me of the first time I saw you."
"Do you also remember what I was wearing?"
"Black." He chuckled. "A black top that you had tucked into your bra and some adidas sweatpants. You know you wear a lot of black."
"It's a flattering color." I said with a blush and shrugged.
"It's not a color, it's a shade." He said back teasingly.
"Are you trying to start our first fight?"
"No, no, no." We were at a stoplight and he turned to me, leaning in to keep my attention. "I'm just giving you a hard time."
"I know." I grinned at him before I closed the gap between the two of us and kissed him sweetly at the stoplight.
We found parking a few minutes later and I hopped out of the car, giggling as he came up behind me and grabbed my hips with a tug backwards and into him. He tightened his grip so his arms were all the way around me and he kissed my temple.
"Awsten!" I laughed again as we found our balance and leaned back into him.
"I told you that you looked really good right? Because you do."
"You did." The smile on my face was so big my cheeks were starting to hurt.
"And now she's free." He kissed my temple one more time and squeeze me in his arms, then took my hand. "Alright, come on. We're celebrating."
We walked over to the ice cream shop and I smiled as he got the door for me. He had his hood up at this point.
I figured it was to keep his identity concealed. Which was fine. That or his ears were cold.
"What are you thinking?" Awsten asked me as he stared at the menu behind me and wrapped his arms around my shoulders.
I relaxed back into him and held onto his forearms.
"I want something chocolatey." I murmured as my eyes scanned the board with his lips just slightly against my temple. "The brownie batter sounds good. What about you?"
"I think coffee."
"Coffee? At 6PM!?"
"Baby, it's not like I sleep anyway." He said with small chuckle.
It was the first time he had called me baby since he was in my bed the other night.
"Well it certainly won't help you with that." I laughed a little.
"But it'll be yummy. Cup or cone?"
"Cup please."
"You got it."
He ordered for us and got our ice creams while I got us a table.
Then he slipped in beside me, his hood still up over his head.
"Your ears cold?" I asked him playfully.
"Uh...it's mainly to hide the hair."
"I figured." I shrugged as he handed me my ice cream.
So he was fully trying to hide his identity while we were out in LA.
We did agree to take it slow, and to keep us private.
It was just the first time he had done this.
"You all packed for this weekend?" He asked me and took his first bite of ice cream.
"Not fully. I tried yesterday a bit I've just been so busy with rehearsals and the video I ran out of time. I'll do it once I get home."
"You excited to see your dad?"
"No." I said flatly as I moved my spoon around in my ice cream. "At first I was, but the closer I get to going, the more I kind of regret it and am not looking forward to it."
"It'll be alright, Tatum." He said softly and reached up to thumb my chin. "I really think it'll be good for you."
"I hope so."
"Want me to pick you up on Sunday? From the airport?"
"Oh, that's so far for you, I wouldn't want you to have to come out-"
"I want to." He stopped me. "I don't mind at all. I can come and get you and we can do something after."
"Okay," I blushed a little. "You can pick me up."
"Cool."
"Can I have a bite?" I scooted closer and watched his eyes flicker down to mine.
"Sure." He cleared his throat a little and scooped up a bite of his coffee ice cream, then held it out for me.
I ate it, laughing a little after and covered my mouth.
"My turn. Can I have a bite?"
"Yeah." I giggled a little and fed him a spoonful of my brownie ice cream.
"Oh that's really good. I like yours better."
"And you don't even really like chocolate." I quipped.
"It just depends. Maybe I like the combo of the chocolate and coffee together."
"Maybe." I nodded and leaned back into him and went back to my ice cream.
I wanted to kiss him but now that he had the hood up to hide his hair, I was a bit worried to do so.
My flight was early, and I really did have to get home to pack, but I didn't want to leave either. Leaving for the first time made me nervous.
Going home period made me nervous.
"What are you gonna do this weekend?" I asked him.
"Probably errands. Grocery store, I have to clean my apartment. I have an interview thing on Friday."
"For what?"
"Just genius."
"That's cool." I grinned and rested my head on his shoulder for a minute. "For Snow Globe? Are you doing one of those breakdown videos?"
"I wish," He chuckled and kissed my forehead. "It's for the whole album. It's just not coming out until later."
"Does that mean the album's done..." I trailed off and looked into my ice cream again.
"Yeah, we sent off the finals to the label on Monday."
"So...can I hear it..."
"Yeah," He nodded with that cute little laugh. "What about when you get back?"
"Okay, I can wait until then."
"Okay." He chuckled again and kissed my cheek.
"You missed." I told him and lifted my eyes back up to look at him.
"Huh?"
"You missed."
He stared at me, the empty ice cream cup now on the table as he slipped his hand on my neck.
"Come here." He said with that little smirk on his face and kissed me.
So now we were kissing in the ice cream shop.
He kept it short and sweet, but it was enough for me. I just wanted one kiss while we were out.
Who am I kidding? I could kiss him all day.
The way we went late into the night on Friday when he was at my place haunted me.
Maybe he was afraid to kiss me in here...
But he wasn't afraid to wrap his arms around my shoulders.
So I was a little confused...
Actually the entire throwing up his hood thing confused me when we had already had public dates.
We left after another twenty minutes and got back in his car for him to take me home.
Just an hour date today. Long enough to see him - but he did pick me up this morning and bring me coffee.
Very boyfriend-ish things for a not-boyfriend to do.
I wanted was for him to just be my boyfriend, but I didn't want to make a fool of myself by bringing it up.
And that whole thing with Erik - what was that? He was jealous sure, but he hasn't said he wanted to be exclusive.
He had no right to be jealous...did he?
This was date number six...or we were just hanging out for the sixth time... practically had spent four days together last week.
Now he was picking me up on Sunday...
Maybe I'm just too in my head and everything was fine.
He took his hood off during the drive and I noticed but didn't say anything this time.
I wonder if he'd end up doing that again later on...
I sunk deeper into his sweatshirt in his passenger seat, still smiling at him while we talked. He even put on that early 2000s playlist we were listening to the other day.
Then he walked me back up to my apartment, playfully grabbing my waist again while we walked and repeatedly kissed my cheek.
"Have a safe flight tomorrow," He said against my cheek while his hands roamed my back. "Text me when you land?"
"Mhm, I will." I nodded against his chest. "Let me know when you get home?"
"I will." Awsten laughed a little then slipped his hand on my face and pressed his lips on mine.
I leaned in more and held onto his sweatshirt with both of my hands.
I could still taste his ice cream.
And I wanted to leave him with a kiss that he wouldn't be able to forget while I was gone this weekend.
I knew I was being territorial - when I didn't really have any territory to claim.
So I bit down on his lip a little and felt him laugh as his hands roamed further down and stopped at my butt.
We were fully making out in the hallway outside of my apartment. Hands in hair, feverish lips, and I was totally up on my tiptoes even though I didn't really need to be.
"Remember when I told you that you were intoxicating?" Awsten asked me short of breath.
"Yeah?"
"I meant it. You're going to leave me, after that?"
"You'll see me Sunday." I said with closed eyes and pecked his lips again.
"You want to come over after I pick you up?"
"Sure."
Then he kissed me again and I arched my back. My heart was pounding.
"Okay, get some sleep. I'll talk to you later."
"Okay, goodnight."
"Goodnight." He kissed my forehead before he let go of me and I grabbed my dance bag off the floor before slipping into the apartment.
"You could've just invited him in you know." Fran mumbled loud enough from the living room so I could hear her.
"You are here and I'm trying to do this thing where I don't jump his bones every time I see him."
"But you want to."
"Yeah." I cleared my throat and ran my fingers through my hair. "I need to pack."
"What time do we need to be up tomorrow?"
"Six? My flights at nine. Is that still okay? I can Uber."
"Tatum, it's so fine. No worries, I was just curious."
I went in my room and started finally packing. I had taken off his sweatshirt and folded it up on my bed.
Did I really want to bring it with me...
I only packed three days worth of stuff, and I was going to be in swamp ass Houston, Texas.
But my hands wrapped around the clothing and I put it into my carry on anyway.
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Next Day
2:37 PM
"Hey, Dad." I cleared my throat as my dad got out of the car and I stood out in front of the United baggage claim on the sidewalk.
"Hey, Tatum." He started for a hug, then stopped, then went for it again.
I hugged him back for a few seconds, then pulled back and went to put my carry-on in the back of his car.
"I've got it." Dad waved my hands away and took the suitcase, lifting it into the trunk and I got in his car, looking down at my phone to see texts from Awsten.
Awsten:
You make it okay?
Tatum:
Yeah, my dad just picked me up at the airport. On my way home.
"Hungry?" Dad asked me as I flipped my phone over after locking it.
"Yeah, I'm pretty hungry."
"Grimaldi's? We can pick it up on the way home?"
"Sure." I smiled at him a little and fiddled with my thumbs as he drove us away from the airport.
It felt just as humid as I remembered.
"How's Francesca?"
"She's good!" I told Dad after I took a sip of my water. "Really busy. I usually see her late at night."
"And the new boyfriend?"
"He's not my boyfriend," I corrected with a mumble. "We're just dating."
"Just the one person you're dating?"
"Yeah." I sighed and leaned my head back against the seat. "He's good though, he's also been busy. His band's new album comes out in a few weeks so he's been working on that. You know he's from Houston too?"
"I think you mentioned that. What kind of music?"
"Alternative I'd say." I watched his face change. "What?"
"Are you sure this is a good idea?"
"He's not Josh, Dad." I said sharper than I intended. "Sorry. I just really like him and it's going really well."
"Okay, I just don't want your heart broken again."
"I don't want that either."
I needed to change the subject. I didn't want to talk about Awsten with my dad.
Somehow it would lead back to my mom. It would cause another fight - a fight over a man that I couldn't even call my boyfriend, and I had just gotten here.
We got to talking about my brother, which was also hard to talk about.
I hadn't spoken to Sean in probably three months. It was better than talking about Awsten though.
Sean was the favorite. He always had been.
Even though somehow we had both pursued creative fields - when he went and did it, it was fine, but when I was doing it, I was a disappointment and needed a plan B.
I wondered if the time ever came for Awsten to meet my dad if they would like each other...or if my dad would just end up writing him off before he had the chance.
It would probably be the latter, which was no fault of Awsten's.
The airport was about thirty minutes from our house. I stared at my childhood home as we pulled up and into the garage.
Immediately I felt a wave of anxiety hit me and I felt like I was going to be sick.
I was just here for Christmas but I didn't stay here. I ended up staying at my aunts that lived forty minutes away.
I'd taken every chance I could to avoid this house as much as possible since Mom died.
I stepped into the house, took a deep breath, and sucked in my cheeks as I looked around.
Nothing had really changed. I was immediately met with the picture frames that had been by the stairs and looked at my mom's face.
Instantly I regretted coming and staying in this house.
She was everywhere here.
"I can take your stuff up in a minute, I'm sure you're hungry. Let's eat."
Except I wasn't hungry anymore.
But I followed my dad into the kitchen anyway.
The green tiled backsplash was still the same...the counter tops...
Her apron wasn't hanging up anymore though.
"You want to watch a movie or something? I'm sure you're tired." Dad said as he grabbed some plates down from the cabinets.
"I could watch a movie."
Would be the first movie I watched all the way through in a while.
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Friday
5:03 PM
I hadn't heard from Awsten much which was confusing, and irritating.
He was tweeting right now though.
Just no text back to me.
And here I was still in his sweatshirt.
I jinxed it. I jinxed everything by packing it and putting it on when I got here.
It still smelled like his cologne.
I currently stared at the ceiling lying in my old bedroom. Nothing had changed in here either.
I knew this would be one of the last times I laid in here. I was just trying to take it in the only way I knew how.
I didn't have much stuff left here anymore anyway since I had moved out.
I found myself getting up and walking into my parents room, freezing once I got to the closet.
Mom's stuff wasn't here anymore. It was just my dad's.
I should have known it wouldn't be here. It's been over a year at this point.
Her jewelry box was gone. Her little vanity - gone. The marks weren't even on the floor from the weight of the furniture in the carpet.
Everything was hitting me like a ton of bricks.
"Dad!?" I found myself choking out and walked into the hallway to look out into the living room over the balcony. "Dad, where's Mom's stuff? What did you do with Mom's stuff?"
"Woah, Tatum." He was up now, looking up at me from where he stood. "It's in the basement. What's left of it is in the basement."
"What do you mean what's left of it?"
"We went through it after she passed...about six months in...your brother and I. I had asked you to come but you wouldn't come home."
"What's left?" I felt my eyes welling and my knees get wobbly so I held onto the railing.
It was my fault.
I was wrong - this place had changed. She was fading.
"Come on, I'll show you where it is."
I wiped my eyes and quickly went down the stairs, meeting with him to go into the basement and froze at the few boxes in front of me once we were down there.
There was the vanity and her jewelry box.
This was it.
This was all that was left of her.
"Can I...Can I look?" I asked Dad.
"Of course. Take your time. I'm...gonna go upstairs."
"Okay." I dug my nails into my palm and watched him go back up, then turned to the boxes of stuff and her jewelry box.
I opened the jewelry box first, my stomach lurching to find the photo she had kept of a toddler me with Sean as a baby in her arms.
She was so young and so beautiful.
I picked it up and saw the gold necklace she used to wear all the time with her initial on it.
I ran my thumb over the gold 'P' and quickly wiped my eyes, undid the clasp, and slipped it around my neck.
Then I opened the first box and saw a ton of her sweaters.
I pulled the first box off the top and plopped onto the floor, taking them out one by one.
Why hadn't I come when they went through this stuff...
I knew why. I couldn't face my brother and my dad. I couldn't be here.
I was probably going out and getting drunk out of my mind the same day they were going through everything.
I had been down in the basement for maybe twenty minutes when my phone started ringing and I looked down to see Awsten's name and picture lighting up my screen with a FaceTime call.
I quickly wiped my eyes and sniffed, then picked up my phone and answered him.
"Hi Tatum...you okay?"
"Hi, um, yeah." I nodded quickly, forgetting my irritation with him. "I'm just going through Mom's stuff."
"You want to call me back?"
"No, no, I'm okay." I shook my head this time. "What are you up to?"
He was at his desk. I could tell from where he was sitting when he called me since I saw the skateboard over his bedroom door.
"I have been working on new music and also had a bunch of meetings today. It's later there, right? Like dinner time?"
"Yeah, pretty much. I think we're doing Chinese for dinner. We got some Grimaldi's after Dad picked me up yesterday."
"Man, I miss that place." He stood up with his phone and was walking around with me now into what I could tell was his room. "How's your dad?"
"He's alright. A bit quieter than what I remember." I laughed a little. "It's definitely been weird. I almost feel like he's been avoiding me."
"I'm sure in a way it's hard for him having you there after everything." Awsten laid in his bed.
That's where I wish I was right now.
In the least sexual way.
But also...
"Yeah, I think so too. He just begged me to come..."
"Well, what's the plan? You just been chilling while your home?"
"Yesterday I did because of the flight and I was tired from traveling. He wants to visit Mom at some point. I guess maybe tomorrow before I leave on Sunday."
"How do you feel about that?"
"I don't know." I set down my phone so I could still see him and messed with one of Mom's sweaters in my lap. "It all just makes it feel...real. At least in LA I could pretend that she was still here and just dodging my calls or something. I went to go into the closet and all of her stuff was gone - down here. What's left of it."
"You didn't know?"
"I never came to go through it." I looked away from my phone and quickly wiped my eyes, embarrassed that I was crying on the phone with him. "This has just been a lot harder than I thought it would be."
"I'm sorry, Tatum."
"Me too."
"Do you regret going?"
"I did at first." I nodded, glancing at him again to see him lying in his bed. "I don't now...I just...don't think I can come back and stay here anymore. And that makes me feel like shit."
"Why? Baby, you're allowed to feel however you're feeling. If it pushes your boundaries and it's something you can't do anymore, that's okay."
I was starting to forget that I was irritated with him.
"I just don't think I've handled it the best."
"I don't even know what the best would look like in this scenario...but you went, and now you know - and you also know now it's not something you can do again and that's okay. Just a couple more days, yeah?"
"Yeah..." I nodded, picking up my phone on the floor and laid back on the carpet. "How was your interview this morning?"
"It was pretty good, a tad longer than I thought. Traffic almost made me late...but it's might fault for stopping for a coffee."
"Of course you did. Iced?"
"You know it." He laughed a little. "Have you heard from anyone since the music video? Like the other dancers?"
He was totally trying to ask me about Erik without flat out asking me about Erik.
"No, not really. Just Cailey but her and I have been friends for a while...She hangs out with Fran and I a lot."
"Oh really? How'd you meet her, through dance?"
"Yeah, she was one of the cool ones. Dancers can be very...catty...and fake."
"So like girls?" He joked with the side of his mouth curling up in a grin.
"Yeah but it's just so cut throat. Everybody's your best friend until that one audition."
"And they're getting tapped on the shoulder and you're not."
"Exactly."
"You excited for your meeting with Frank? On Monday, right?"
"Yeah, I am. I'm really nervous."
"Why?"
"Because he's just such a big name and he's already signed a few of the dancers already - I don't even know how much space he has left - or why he would want to sign me now."
"Probably because you're extremely talented and you have been on his radar but you just were released from your manager a week or so ago and other people were let go first. This is a great thing, Tatum. You really need to give yourself more credit."
"Mhm, says the guy who's afraid to put his album out and let me listen to it."
"That's different." He mumbled shyly. "What other dancers signed with Frank? Anyone else your friends with?"
He already knew Erik was.
"This girl named Kate did, although we're not friends. I might consider her my enemy."
"You have enemies? I would not want to be in the other side of that."
"Yeah she's always kinda been...well not nice. I'm not sure what I ever did for her not to like me."
"You probably did nothing. You're gorgeous and talented so that was probably enough."
"Still hitting on me while we're miles apart." I joked and sucked in my teeth a little. "My friend Amelia did sign with Frank I think though, or it was being finalized. She's also pretty cool."
"And then Erik."
"Yep," I nodded and kept it short. "And then Erik."
He was jealous.
Jealous and I didn't know how to feel about it.
"You can hear the album Sunday by the way." He said. "I'd send it to you but I want to see your reaction to it."
"How many songs?"
"17."
"Oh my god. And how many singles are you doing?"
"Five." He smiled a little with his arm behind his head. "It's a long album."
"I can't wait to listen." I was smiling again. "I'm going to love it, I know it."
"I hope you do."
We talked for a few more minutes until we hung up.
He promised to call me before bed. Who knows what time that would be for me.
The whole Erik thing was kind of grinding my gears though.
If he had an issue with it and didn't want me to be available like that - he should just tell me, but he hadn't.
I didn't know the rules anymore. We'd been seeing each other for three weeks - I said I wanted to take it slow and he agreed.
He's picking me up at the airport for crying out loud. Calling me baby. Buying me flowers.
But no commitment.
I scooted my phone away but went back to my mom's stuff and started with another box.
My dad came down after a little while longer, keeping his distance from the boxes at the bottom of the stairs.
"You hungry?"
"Yeah, I am. I didn't realize..." I cleared my throat and looked at the pile of Mom's clothes beside me. "Can I have this stuff?"
"You can take whatever you want."
"Thanks...I'll come back up so we can get some dinner."
I grabbed the sweaters and my phone, clutching them to my chest and nuzzled my nose into them.
They still faintly smelled like her.
I could never wash any of them. I'd just keep them in my closet at home. Unless for some reason one of her perfumes was packed up down there.
"Did you want to go visit her tomorrow?" My dad asked as we reached the top of the stairs.
"Um...sure." I nodded once and avoided his gaze.
Did I want to? No.
But he wanted to, and I had to try and rebuild this relationship. I had broken it. At least I had a really big part in it.
So maybe coming here for just a couple of days really wouldn't end up so bad.
_____________________________________
HOPE YOU ENJOYED.
HOPE I DIDNT TUG AT YOUR HESRT STRINGS TOO MUCH.
JEALOUS AWSTEN IS HERE!!!!!!