Strings Of Perfection

26

A bitter laugh clawed its way out of my throat. "Talaga? Edi ano? Ako lang 'yung nakaramdam na parang-parang may ibig sabihin ang lahat?"

My stomach churned. God, ang sakit. Ang sakit niyang panoorin. Na parang hindi niya na kailangang magpaliwanag. Na parang hindi niya kailangang sumagot dahil sa umpisa pa lang, wala namang dapat sagutin.

"Leo-"

"Ba't hindi mo masabi?" I pushed, voice cracking. "Ba't hindi mo ako kayang sagutin?"

Tangina, I look and sound desperate. Pero para sa kanya? Handa akong maging isa.

His brows furrowed-parang nasasaktan din siya, pero pilit niyang tinatago.

"Because it wouldn't change anything." His voice was tight, controlled. "It never did."

Napakapit ako sa sarili kong braso, fingers digging into my skin. Putangshit.

"Ikaw 'yung lumayo." My voice dropped. "Hindi ako."

His fingers curled into fists. His face was blank, shoulders tense-pero kita ko. Kita ko 'yung bahagyang pag-igting ng panga niya, 'yung paraan ng paghigpit ng kamao niya, 'yung panandaliang pagdadalawang-isip niya kung dapat ba niya akong sagutin o hindi.

"Takot ka." Saad ko pa.

His breath hitched.

"At hanggang ngayon, hindi mo pa rin kayang aminin."

"Masasaktan ka lang, Leo."

"Bakit? Kasi baka 'pag umamin ka, wala ka nang matakbuhan?"

Sige, ipilit mo pa.

His lips parted, buong katawan niya nanigas. He took a big breath-parang kailangan niyang huminga bago magsalita. Then, he laughed. Sarcastically. Hindi 'yong klaseng tawa na may laman.

"You want to talk about running?" His voice was sharp, mocking. "You're the one who started this, Leo. You wanted this setup. Fake dating? Your idea. 'No one's getting hurt'? Your words."

My breath hitched.

"But now that you're the one hurting, suddenly it's my.... fault?"

Shit.

Parang nawala ang hangin sa katawan ko.

"You pulled me into this mess. You made the rules. And now that I played by them, galit ka?"

Napalunok ako, pero hindi ako nakapagsalita.

He took a step forward, gaze burning. "Is this what pisses you off?" His voice was steady, deliberate. "That I didn't fall for you the way you wanted me to?"

I flinched.

"Or that you thought if you waited long enough... I would?"

Putangina. Doon ako nang hina.

"L-leave, Leo." His voice was quiet, but firm. "You already know the answer."

I let out a shaky breath, the weight in my chest threatening to crush me whole. My knees felt weak, my head felt heavy-pero this time, wala na akong masasabi.

He's right. Alam ko. Alam na alam, pero ang sakit pa rin.

I forced out a nod, stepping back. My throat tightened, but I pushed the words out anyway.

"I'm sorry for... forcing this. Sorry for thinking....hoping, that we could step beyond pretending."

---

Isinandal ko ang ulo ko sa pader at pumikit. Ewan ko kung sisigaw ba ako sa ka-cornyhan ng nangyari last week o iiyak na lang sa sakit.

Bakit pa kasi ako umasang kahit konti, kahit isang saglit, I meant something for him.