Katahimikan. Nakaka sakal na katahimikan.
At that moment, I swear all I wanted was to take my words back. But of course, you couldn't just do that, especially kung binatawan mo na.
I was preparing myself for the pain. Alam ko na. That silence says it all.
"Thank you," Mahina at hindi sigurado niyang saad. His voice was full of reluctance. Kingina, nabuhay lang yata 'to para hindi maging sigurado sa lahat, e.
"Thank you for liking me." Patuloy niya pa, as if what he just said wasn't enough to knock the hell out of me.
I know appreciation doesn't equal rejection, but let's be real---yan ang ibang paraan para i-reject ang isang tao without actually doing so. Sugar-coated rejection kumbaga.
"Time's up!" Napa kurap ako nang biglang bimungad ang nakakairitang ngisi ni Scar sa harapan namin. Awit, parang may 30 minutes pa kami kanina ah?
Naramdaman ko ang unti-unting pag tayo ni Sylas. Nanatili ako sa pwesto ko, nakatulala habang pino-proseso ng utak ko ang lahat ng nangyari.
Tumalikod siya at naglakad palayo. No explanations. No glance back. Nothing.
Nanatili akong nakatayo roon, para akong tangang iniwan sa ere. Ganun na lang 'yon? Kingina, ano? Balik nanaman sa hindi pansinan kasi may tangang nahulog?
Bakit nga ba ako umamin? Maling desisyon. Ano, for closure? To get hurt more directly? Ewan. All I know is, I wanted to run after him... perhaps, para makakuha pa ng sagot?
I stayed there, letting the silence swallow me whole. Sa dami ng tumatakbo sa utak ko, one thing stood out: ang bigat. My chest tightened with every passing second after Sylas walked away. Parang mas lalo akong nilulubog ng realidad.
Pucha, Leo... what were you expecting? That maybe, he felt the same? Dahil ba sa mga stolen glances niya noon? O 'yung mga sandaling akala ko may kung anong kami?
Huminga ako nang malalim, pilit binubura sa isip ko 'yung nangyari kanina. Ang bigat ng hakbang ko palabas ng jail booth. Sana tiniklop ko na lang 'tong nararamdaman ko at nilamon.
"Kung ako 'yan, di kita gaganunin."
Agad akong napalingon sa direksyon kung saan nang galing ang boses. Nandoon si Alkeign, naka-sandal sa pader malapit sa exit ng jail booth. Nakangiti siya ngunit may kakaiba sa tingin niya. There's a hint of... pity?
"Ano na naman?" tanong ko, pilit pinapanatiling matigas ang boses.
"Parang talo ka pa na nakita ako ah?" Nakangisi niyang saad.
"Talaga." Tumalikod na ako pero agad ding napa hinto nong nag salita siya ukit.
"Leo." Napa hinto ako. There was a certain tone in his voice that... I didn't expect.
"You know," he said, half-grinning, "you can play stone-faced all you want, but it's still written all over you."
He tilted his head, eyes glinting with something between mischief and concern. "Want a distraction? 'Cause honestly, I can't just stand here watching you walk around like heartbreak decided to pour all over you."
"Oa," irap ko, pero bahagyang napangiti. Konti lang.
"See? Your mood somehow lightened." Kumindat pa siya. "Pero... I can do better."
"Bakit parang ang shady ng pagkakasabi mo?"
"Like this." At bago pa man ako maka react, bigla siyang sumugod at dinukot ang bulsa ko.
"Hoy! Alkeign!" napasigaw ako.
Walang tigil ang pag tawa niya habang hawak ang wallet ko. "Babalik ko 'to... kung mahuli mo 'ko!" At ayun, tumakbo ang kupal.
"Put---Bumalik ka rito!" Hinabol ko siya palabas ng building, nagpalitan kami ng sigaw at tawa habang palayo nang palayo.
"Hingal na 'ko, kupal ka," sabi ko nang huminto kami sa harap ng sari-sari store. Pinupunasan ko pa 'yung pawis ko. "Ano 'to, cardio session?"
Ngumisi siya, pinakita 'yung wallet ko at... inabot pabalik. "Congrats, you passed the test."
"Test ng kahibangan mo?"
"Hindi," sabay turo sa tindahan. "Test kung gaano mo 'ko mahahabol para sa ice cream. Libre ko."
Natahimik ako. Wtf.
"Ate, isang chocolate ice cream at... ube po!"
Napa kurap ako. Teka... ube? Kingina, parang biglang kumislap ang mata ko sa narinig.
Habang inaabot ng tindera 'yung order, tumingin ako kay Alkeign, hoping na ibibigay niya sa akin 'yung ube. Pero hindi. Sakanya napunta.
Napatingin ako sa ube ice cream na hawak niya. Putek. Para akong batang inagawan ng laruan. Ang sakit sa puso, taena.
Biglang ginulo ni Puyo ang buhok ko. "Why do you look like you're about to cry?" natatawa niyang tanong.
"Kasi paiyak na talaga ako! Akin dapat yang ube!" reklamo ko habang nakatingin pa rin sa ice cream niya. Ano 'to? Ang lapit... pero ang layo?
Nanlaki ang mata niya. "Ube enjoyer ka rin?!"
"Oo!" sagot ko at napasimangot. "Kanina mo pa ako pinapahirapan, tapos inagaw mo pa 'yung dapat na sa'kin."
"Di ko alam na pareho pala tayo ng trip," tumawa siya, bahagyang inangat 'yung ice cream. "Sarap pa naman nito. Pero sorry, akin 'to."
Napatingin ako sa chocolate ko, tapos balik ulit sa ube niya.
"Kalma sa pag titig, baka biglang matunaw," aniya, still grinning.
"Tsk. Ang daya mo," sabay subo ko sa chocolate ko. Hindi naman ako bitter... pero bakit parang ang unfair ng buhay?
"Next time, dalawa'ng ube bibilhin natin," biglang sabi niya. "Para walang iyakan."
"Next time? Wala ng next time oy!"
"Bro, after mo'kong habulin kanina?Destiny na 'to mismo," nakangisi pa rin siya.
"Destiny?," natatawa kong umiling. "Ang corny mo."
"Pero effective, 'di ba?" sumubo siya ng ice cream at nagpakitang-tao pa. "Ube supremacy. We're built different."
Tahimik kaming umupo sa gilid ng kalsada parehong kumakain. Hangin,lamig. Ice cream, matamis. Pero 'yung vibe... ibang klase. Damn.
"...Salamat," bigla kong nasabi. Hindi ko rin alam kung bakit. Tangina, ang cheesy ko don ah.
"Para saan?"
"Sa distraction mo," sagot ko, iwas tingin. "Huwag kang assuming, 'di ko na 'to uulitin."
"Noted," ngumisi siya. Pero kita ko kung paano nah twinkle ang mata niya. "Admit it, best distraction ever."
"Yeah. Siguro."
---
'Yung nasasaktan ka na nga pero tinitigan mo pa. Self-torture is my thing now, apparently.
Bitterness was practically radiating off me as I watched the two people boarding the bus. Sylas was even carrying Devina’s bag while they searched for their seat. Magkatabi pa talaga.
If Sylas could hear my thoughts right now, he’d probably say, "That’s just common decency." Sure. Common decency my ass. Still doesn’t make it less annoying to watch. Bakit ang unfair niya pagdating sa'kin?
After that whole confession shit, he’s been treating me like I’m some ghost haunting his peripherals. A confused ghost that’s stuck wondering why he hasn’t been sent to the other side yet. Lalo na sa bahay.
Tangina, nakakapanghina talaga. It was obvious, at alam kong alam ni Sylas mismo na may nararamdaman si Dev para sakanya. Pero bakit parang wala namang nagbago sa pamamagitan nila? Not even an inch of awkwardness can be seen. Pero pag dating sakin, tangina, ano? Suddenly, I do not exist? I hate him. And I hate how my feelings was treated.
Wala siyang utang na loob na pansinin ako after that confession. Pero putek... does he have to be this good at pretending I’m invisible? It’s one thing to get rejected, it’s another to feel like you’ve evaporated into thin air.
"You're staring again."
Napatingin ako kay Puyo na walang hiyang tumabi sa’kin, para may emotional support kuno ako. Ang gago.
"Pake mo?" asik ko.
He chuckled. "Halata lang. If I were him, I would've noticed way before you confessed."
Napahinto ako. I rolled my tongue inside my cheek, saka siya tinignan mang matamlay. "Sana ikaw na lang,"
He blinked, then burst out laughing. "If you courted me, baka sinagot na talaga kita."
"Ulol," natatawa kong sagot.
On a serious note though," bumalik siya sa pagiging seryoso. Rare sight ‘yon
"don't stress over it too much. Not worth it if you're just hurting yourself."
Napatingin ako ulit kina Sylas at Devina, tapos napabuntong-hininga. Masakit talaga, e.
"Come on," tapik niya sa balikat ko, "let’s not waste the whole trip sulking."
"Anyway," Puyo stretched his legs, slumping back against the bus seat. "Camping, huh? Sa tingin mo may makakain ng multo?"
"Kung meron man, sana ako na lang,"
Mas okay pa ‘yon kesa mamatay dito sa inggit.
Puyo snorted. "Shh. We're gonna roast marshmallows, tell scary stories, alam mo na, typical highschool camping."
"Tingin mo ba papatulan ko ‘yung cliché na ‘yan?"
He wasn't able to say a word, when out of nowhere, the bus hit a bump. Haringina, natulak ako kay Puyo, sabay kami napamura, "Tangina---"
"Careful." natawa siya, "I know I’m irresistible but damn, at least buy me dinner first."
"Ulol, ikaw ‘tong sumalo eh," sagot ko, habang inayos ang pag upo.
"See? I’m a natural safety net," he winked. Putek, ang kapal ng mukha.
"Salohin mo rin kaya ‘tong sapak ko?"
"Wow, violent. I know you’re heartbroken and all, pero ako ‘yung nandito para sayo, tapos sinasaktan mo pa ako? Rude." Umarte pa siyang parang nasaktan, hawak-hawak ang dibdib niya.
"Oa talaga, tangina," natatawa kong saad. Pero bago pa ako makasagot ulit, narinig ko ‘yung bus driver, "Roll call muna bago tayo umalis!"
Tumayo agad si Puyo, "Present!" Sabay tingin sa akin, "Dapat ganun ka rin ka-enthusiastic sa buhay, Leo."
"Bahala ka d’yan," umismid ako. Pero hindi ko mapigilang mapangiti ng kaunti.
Habang nagsisimula nang umandar ‘yung bus, napatingin ulit ako sa harap. Devina was leaning her head on Sylas’s shoulder. Parang automatic na may kumurot sa dibdib ko.
"Stop. You’re just making it worse." Puyo said softly, poking my side
"Oo na," I muttered.
Paano mo ba kasi mapipigilan ang sarili mo kung parang may magnet ‘yung tao? Kahit masaktan ka pa, titingin ka pa rin.
Biglang kinuha ni Puyo ‘yung earphones ko mula sa bulsa. "Ano ba---"
"Shh." Sinaksak niya sa phone niya ‘yung jack at pinasok sa tenga ko ‘yung isang bud. "Listen. Pampakalma."
Nagulat ako nang marinig ko ‘yung kanta --- She Looks So Perfect ng 5SOS. "Ampota..."
He burst out laughing. "Fitting diba? Ang daming ‘she’ references tapos ikaw, ‘he’ naman ‘yung tinititigan. Iconic."
"Baka sapakin talaga kita---"
---
Gabi na nang makarating kami sa campsite. Ang lamig ng hangin, tapos may kung anong amoy ng damo at usok na sumalubong sa amin.
“Hoy, Leo! Tara na, tent set-up na!” sigaw ni Puyo, kumaway-kaway pa. Putek, ba’t parang ang dami niyang energy?
Nag pahinga muna kami for 30 minutes after ma-set up ‘yung tents. Nakahiga lang ako sa damuhan, pinagmamasdan ‘yung madilim na langit. Nakakarelax sana kung hindi ko naririnig ‘yung tawa nina Dev at Sylas sa di kalayuan. Bakit ba ang lakas ng tawa nila? Comedy bar langs?
"Stop eavesdropping with your eyes," asar ni Puyo habang nilalagay ang hood niya.
"Ulol,"
Maya-maya, tinawag na kami ng teacher. “Okay class! First activity natin tonight: Team building!”
Narinig ko agad ‘yung collective groan ng buong klase. Understandable. Sino ba kasing may energy pa para dito?
Puyo leaned closer, whispering, “Bet mo mag-sabotage? Para masaya.”
“Gago ka,” pero tawa ako nang tawa.
Nag-line up na kami sa activity area. May bonfire sa gitna, tapos ilaw lang ng poste at flashlight ‘yung source of light.
“Okay,” sabi ng teacher, “random grouping tayo! Four members per team.”
Please, ‘wag ako mapunta kina Sylas. Lord, kung may awa ka—
“Group one: Sylas, Devina, Puyo... at Leo.”
Awit.
Napatingin ako kay Puyo na nangingiti na parang sabik sa gulo. “This is gonna be fun,” bulong niya.
"Sa'yo siguro. Ako ‘tong nagmumukhang third wheel dito," irap ko.
"Fourth wheel, bro. Pero chill, I got you." Kumindat pa. Putek, hindi ka comforting.
Naglakad kami papunta sa designated spot namin. Sylas glanced at me briefly, walang sinabi. Ako rin. Deadma kung deadma.
Devina, ever the sunshine, smiled. “Let’s do our best, guys!”
Puyo grinned. “Oh, don’t worry. We’ll definitely make this memorable.”
Tangina. Iba ‘yung kutob ko rito.
“First challenge!” anunsyo ng teacher habang hawak ang megaphone. “Trust fall!”
Putangina.
Napatingin ako kay Puyo. Ngumisi agad siya. Alam ko na ‘tong ngiting ‘to, may kalokohan na naman.
“Two pairs per group. Mag-partner na kayo,” saad ng teacher.
Agad na tumingin si Devina kay Sylas. “Partner?” tumango lang si Sylas, kinuha pa ang bag niya at tinabi sa upuan. Napansin ko ‘yung slight lean niya palapit kay Devina habang nag-uusap sila. Di ko marinig pero come on. Too close.
Tumitig si Puyo sa akin. “Looks like it’s you and me...” Sabay taas ng kilay. “Don’t worry, I won’t let you fall. Unless... you want me to.”
This dude...
Nauna sina Devina at Sylas. Tumalikod si Dev, ready na mahulog. Tch, hulog na hulog na nga yata 'yan, e. “Ready?” tanong niya kay Sylas.
“Go,” sagot ni Sylas, seryoso pa rin.
Nag-fall si Dev, sakto naman nasalo ni Sylas. Typical perfect duo. E di kayo na.
“Next pair!” tawag ng teacher.
Kami na. Okay, Leo. Kaya mo ‘to. Hindi ‘to life or death... unless pabayaan ka ni Puyo.
“Ready?” tanong ni Puyo, naka-smirk pa.
“Basta sasaluhin mo ko, gago.”
“Trust me, baby—este, bro,” sabay tawa.
Huminga ako nang malalim at nag-fall backwards. Please, Lord—
Nasalo niya ako... pero si makapal ang mukha, sinabayan pa ng, “Woah! Damn, ang bigat mo pala.”
“Ano?!” sabay tulak ko palayo sa kanya. “Gago ka talaga!”
Habang nagtatawanan kami, naramdaman ko ‘yung tingin ni Sylas. Slightly tightened jaw. Left thumb rubbing his knuckle---classic Sylas nervous tick ‘yon. Tumalikod rin agad, kunwari busy sa pag a-adjust ng jacket niya.
Pagkatapos ng trust fall, sunod naman ay blindfold maze. “Someone will be blindfolded, and the other three will guide,”
“Ako na magbublindfold!” agad na sabi ni Puyo. “Gusto ko marinig ang sweet na boses ni Leo habang ginaguide ako.” Sabay kindat.
“Ulol ka talaga,” irap ko.
Si Sylas nag-volunteer na rin. “Ako na mag-guide kay Devina.” Walang pagbabago sa tono niya. Straight to the point as always.
Habang nagsisimula na si Puyo sa maze, sumigaw ako, “Straight ka lang!”
“I-clarify mo ‘yan! Baka isipin nila may ibang meaning!”
“Hindi ko kasalanan may marurumi kayong utak!” balik sigaw ko.
“Left or right?!” tanong ni Puyo habang palinga-linga kahit blindfolded.
“Right!”
Nag-left. PUTA. “Tangina mo, kanan sabi ko!”
“Ay gago, akala ko kanan ko, hindi kanan mo!”
Brain cells ko, ‘wag mo kong iwan.
---
"Next game!" sigaw ng facilitator. Tangina, hindi pa ba tapos ‘tong torture camp na ‘to? My legs are already dying from that maze kanina. Rest daw thirty minutes? Eh ginawang ten.
“Longest line, class!” dagdag pa nung teacher. "Gamitin ang kahit anong meron kayo---bags, shoelaces, sweaters---basta makabuo ng pinakamahabang linya. Pero siyempre, bonus points if creative!"
Agad nag-ingay ‘yung klase. Here we go again.
Puyo nudged me. "Bro, feeling ko may pa-wild twist ‘to."
"Baka pa-shave ng kilay ‘yang next," sagot ko, half-laughing. Pero knowing these teachers... huh, wouldn’t be surprised.
"Boys! Mas mabilis kung tanggal na rin ang shirts n’yo, oh! Gamitin n’yo para humaba ang line!”
Silence. For a second.
Then chaos.
“WOOOH!” sigaw nung ibang lalaki, already yanking their shirts off as if may award silang abs of the year. Puyo was already halfway undressed beside me. “For the team!”
"‘Wag mo ‘kong tabihan ng ganyan!" tinulak ko siya. Dude’s too comfortable.
Some girls were laughing, some covering their faces---others? Camera phones out.
Then my gaze naturally found him. Malamang. Siya naman lagi ang hinahanap ng mga mata ko e.
He's sanding still. Arms crossed. Di man nagsasalita.
Devina, beside him, laughed a bit. “C’mon, Sylas! Fair game ‘to! We need your shirt, Mr. President!”
He shook his head. Calm. Cool. Pero I know that stance---too stiff. Defensive.
One of the guys from their group grinned. “Ge na bro, Lahat kami nagtanggal na oh!”
"I said no," Sylas muttered. Voice low. Controlled.
But the teasing continued. Haringina, sabing ayaw nga e no?
Something suddenly hit me. Fuck.
Napa pikit ako ng mariin. The scars.
Without thinking, I stepped forward. “Hoy! Wag na. Hindi naman required, ‘di ba?”
Eyes turned to me. Pati si Sylas, napatingin. Even Devina blinked. “Why not? Lahat naman---”
“Eh ‘di kayo na lang,” I shot back. “May allergy ‘yan. Sensitive sa lamig.” What a shit excuse. "Baka magka-rashes pa ‘yan tapos magalit ‘yung adviser natin. Ayaw n’yo nun, ‘di ba?"
Please, buy it.
The teacher frowned, then shrugged. “Fine, optional na lang. Bilisan n’yo!”
Saved.
Tuluyang humupa ‘yung ingay. Good. Pero syempre, hindi ako nakaligtas sa side comments.
"Sheesh, concern."
"Mag ex kasi e, kaya ganyan."
Nanlaki ang mata ko. Mag ex?! Mag ex na agad kami? Gagsti, tapos na pala ang nonexistent relationship namin para sa socmed. Di lang nag pansinan e. Hindi pwedeng lq lang?
“Last game for tonight!” sigaw ng facilitator. Finally. “Tago-tagoan with a twist! Bawat isa may device---tracker ‘yan. Pero warning, baka hindi lang location ang ma-broadcast.”
“Ten minutes hiding time---GO!”
Nagkagulo na agad. Tumakbo ang iba, nag-uunahan pa sa mas strategic na spots. Wala akong plano. Lakad lang, hanap ng tahimik na lugar. Solitude is key, diba?
“...seriously?”
Putek. Dev.
Pareho kaming natigilan sa likod ng malaking puno. Perfect hiding spot, pero ayun, swerte ko’t may tao na.
“I’ll go,” saadi niya, pero inunahan ko na agad. “Don’t bother. Malapit na ‘yung countdown, sayang.”
Nag-atubili siya pero naupo rin. May distansya pa, ‘yung tipong may hangin pa sa pagitan namin. I sat back, resting my head against the bark. Ang awkward, haringina.
Tahimik kami pareho. Naglalaro na lang ako ng damo sa tabi, picking at them one by one.
“You and him,” she started. Awit.
“It was never real, was it?”
Biglang sumikip ‘yung dibdib ko. Here we go. Hindi ko siya tiningnan. “...Halata.” mapait kong sagot.
“I knew it,” she whispered. “I knew it wasn’t real. But...” she let out a breathy laugh, one that didn’t sound happy at all, “doesn’t make it hurt less.”
Nagpakawala ako ng mahinang buntong-hininga. Tangina. “Gusto mo siya, ‘di ba?”
Tumawa siya nang mahina, ngunit dama ko ang sakit dito. "Halata." Saad niya habang ginagaya ang tono ng boses ko nong sabihin ko ang salitang 'yan kanina.
Napatingala ako, pilit nilulunok ‘yung bara sa lalamunan ko.
“I thought...” she trailed off, pulling her knees to her chest. “I thought I had more time. Na if I let him wait, if I figured myself out first... he’d still be there.”
My jaw clenched.
“It’s unfair, you know?” she muttered. “Na nung handa na ‘ko... doon siya nawala.”
“And then,” she laughed, shaking her head, “ikaw. Bigla ka na lang sumulpot.”
I scoffed, humorless. “Believe me, hindi ko rin ‘to ginusto.”
“That doesn’t make it right!” Her voice cracked. “I kept thinking... maybe if I moved faster... maybe if I didn’t wait... he wouldn’t have fallen for you.”
“I didn’t---”
“You didn’t mean to?” she cut me off. “You didn’t try? That’s worse, Leo! You didn’t even have to try---he just... started looking at you differently.”
Shit. I glanced away. Kingina, itigil n'yo to.
“Do you know how much it sucks to watch him slowly fall for you?” she whispered. “Habang ako? Nandito pa rin."
I rubbed my face, frustration simmering. “Dev---”
“You stole what I wasn’t ready to lose,” she said, voice barely a whisper. “I kept telling myself: it’s fake. Just a show. Walang katotohanan,” she said, voice softer now. “But even lies... have a way of looking real when it’s him.”
Tangina. Hindi ko alam kung anong sasabihin ko. Ano ba dapat? sayo nalang? Atras nako?
“You don’t even like him the way I do,” she added, voice breaking. “So why---why does he choose you?”
Kelan niya ba 'ko pinili? Taena, kelan ko ba naramdaman ang mapili niya?
Silence. Parang may sumabog na tahimik na bomba sa pagitan namin.
“Speaker activated.”
Haringina..
"Oh my god...” Dev fumbled for the device, panic flooding her face.
The entire conversation echoed.
> "It was never real, was it?"
"Halata."
"I waited for him..."
"But even lies... have a way of looking real when it’s him."
—
: )