I Don't Like This World, I Only Like You (我不喜歡這世界，我只喜歡你) by Qiao Yi (喬一)

The summer after the college entrance exam was the hardest summer I've ever endured. F went to England at that time, and we began a four-year-long cold war. The reason for this cold war is somewhat amusing — he confessed to me, and I rejected him. Actually, it wasn't really a confession, as F is shy and proud, even his confession was especially subtle.

On the day we had our farewell dinner, I was in a very bad mood because I had just found out that F was going to England. I learned about it from someone else; he hadn't told me himself. Some of the guys were talking about how the first thing they would do when they got to university was find a girlfriend, and that by the end of freshman year, they must have experienced their first love. Our class leader, being quite efficient, quickly formed a "First Love Termination Squad," and F was listed as a member.

F then calmly said, "I already have my first love."

He said this while looking at me. The others began to joke, then followed his gaze to me, who was stunned, and immediately fell silent.

I was really angry at that moment. You're leaving, and now you say this? Are you playing with me? I responded coldly, "No, first love is something between two people."

That was probably the most hurtful thing I've ever said in my life.

He stared at me for a few seconds, then lowered his head and didn't say anything more. Afterward, someone changed the topic, and no one brought it up again. When it ended, everyone dispersed and went home, and somehow it was just the two of us left. He accompanied me to the side of the road to hail a taxi, and I could feel he was angry. When the car came, I tried to act casual and said to him, "Keep in touch when you get there."

He answered expressionlessly, "I won't be contacting you again."

He truly meant it. After that, for four years, he never took the initiative to contact me, and when I left him messages, he never replied.

I know many people can't understand why I rejected him. I seriously thought about this issue and initially felt it was out of spite, because he was leaving so far away without even telling me beforehand.

But if he hadn't left, if he stayed, would I have accepted him?

It seems I wouldn't.

When I met someone I liked, I became overly cautious, not daring to get closer. I couldn't quite understand my own mindset. Later, I watched a movie where the male lead asked his teacher, "Why do we always fall in love with people who don't care about us?"

His teacher answered, "Because we always feel like we don't deserve better love."

It was a moment of realization — yes, I felt I didn't deserve his love.

I have a deeply ingrained sense of inferiority. When I was young, adults often compared me to my brother. He was very smart, and I couldn't measure up in anything. As I grew older, I suddenly became ill, always feeling like a burden to my family with no hope for the future. During my teenage years, I became more aware of the differences in my family. Growing up in a single-parent family made me weak and sensitive.

Once, when I visited F's house, I truly understood what it meant to feel inferior.

It wasn't that his family's economic conditions were particularly good, but rather the family atmosphere made me envious. It was enlightened, harmonious, and full of love between the parents. I remember there was a large floor-to-ceiling window in their living room, bright and sunny. At that moment, I thought to myself, any child raised in this home must be open and free-hearted.

It was probably the first time he brought a girl home. His mother was very friendly and asked me about my family, asking what my parents did.

It was really just an innocent question, but it made me feel a sense of embarrassment I had never felt before.