Party 'til you pass out / When the party's over

Alison

'Holy shit, we're shooting Bring Me?!,' Peter almost squealed next to me. He was probably the only one in the room who didn't notice the vast, thick tension that clawed around like a venomous cloud, consuming all oxygen and making it unable to breathe.

'Pete?,' I asked with a soft, quivering voice. My eyes were stuck on Oliver, who was staring back at me just as intense. I wanted to evaporate into thin air, or jump into a hole and disappear. Anything better than standing here, feeling as if I was going to faint. 'Can you get started, please? I just have to -' Without another word I ran off, past the lads and Oliver, who moved aside barely enough for me not to run into him. I just had to get out of here. I had to breathe. I couldn't even think straight, my mind was a complete mess while panic set in and I busted into the restroom and sank back against the wall, silencing my instant sobs with a hand in front of my mouth. This couldn't be true. This had to be a sick joke.

'Not again,' I whispered between my cries. 'Not again.' It was as if I was reliving the day where I found out I would be working with Oliver at the first Drop Dead shoot I ever did. Seven fucking years ago.

'Alison!,' someone called for me. I silenced another sob with my hand, squeezing my eyes. Then I inhaled deeply, trying to get some sense into my system again. But my system was highly overwhelmed and triggered with panic, and I couldn't move. 'Alison? Are you in here?' Peter sounded a bit frantic. 'Can you come out?' I sighed again, pushing back another wave of tears and sobs, and dragged myself up.

'Yeah, just a minute,' I hollered, my voice sounding unstable. I shivered a bit and looked in the mirror, carefully wiping my eyes to not smudge my makeup. I looked pale and my eyes were still frantic, as if I had seen a ghost - which I had. Oliver had been a ghost from my past, not to be pulled back to the here and now. He had to stay where he belonged. And now he was here. But I could do this... I straightened my back and shoulders and put my short hair behind my ears, peptalking myself in my head.

'Okay... you can't walk away from this. You're earning a lot of money for this shoot. You'll survive. Just act like you don't know them.' One last shaky breath and I opened the door, looking at a slightly shocked Peter.

'Are you okay? What's going on?' His wide eyes scanned my face, and just to convince him I was okay, I tried a smile at him.

'Nothing, I just...' I shook my head and motioned him to come with me, blocking out every bit of the panic attack that was still trying to get me under. 'Hi lads,' I said as I walked back on set, pushing a fake smile on my face. 'Nice to see you. Let's get started, shall we?' Peter looked at them with wide eyes - the poor guy was definitely starstruck again. I was too, but for different reasons. 'Pete?'

'Eh, yeah,' he muttered, coming down from his daze and jumping into action.

'This Bring Me The Horizon. Lee, Matt, Matt, Jordan and -' I pointed at the lads, and ended with Oliver. I couldn't get his name over my lips.

'Oli,' he introduced himself flatly, staring at me with a dark look in his eyes.

'Yeah...' I inhaled deeply and ignored the shiver running down my spine. 'Pete, why don't you explain them our ideas?' While Peter started instructing the band about the vision we had for this shoot, I let my eyes trail off to Oliver. His short, bleached hair was now a washed-out baby blue, and on the side of his head was a tattoo peeking through. His entire right arm and the top of his hand were now tattooed all black with an intricate white lining of roses, and even in his neck he had a few new tattoos. Just as always, as if he felt I was looking at him, he suddenly looked back at me and our eyes met briefly before I looked away. I felt tears burning behind my eyes and I crossed my arms over my chest to shield myself from him. His eyes trailed away from me to Peter again, and I watched the guy warm up to the band and them to him. He made a joke that made all of them laugh, except for Oliver. He stood away from the rest a bit, trembling one leg, his hands in his pockets while he chewed the inside of his cheek. Oliver was anxious. I could read all the signs of his anxiety, and it made me realize that I was not the only one having a really hard time. I could make this easier on the both of us...