Some Things Are Better Left Alone (phan)

(song: Slipknot - Snuff)

Dan jumped face first onto one of the beds, "Thank god there's two beds." He joked.
Phil stiffened, then forced a laugh. He was certain now that Dan didn't remember anything, but he felt uncomfortable keeping it to himself, he'd been wrestling with his conscience all day. He wished he could have forgotten all about it as well.
"We should go and find a bar." Dan said, rolling onto his back and laughing at Phil's expression, "Relax, i'm joking. They actually have wifi here, i'm not going anywhere."
They both sat on their beds, scrolling through their phones, laughing at memes until Phil fell asleep. Dan wasn't tired enough to sleep yet, having had a nap in the car earlier. His mind returned to the night before, searching for any flicker of memory he could grab hold of, then he remembered Phil had mentioned taking the camera to the bar. Maybe watching the footage might help him recall the events and possibly hold the answers to the questions nagging at him regarding Phil's behaviour all day. He plugged his headphones in so he wouldn't wake Phil and hit the play button.
He smiled at Phil's intro and his own sulkiness over losing his bag at the airport. He enjoyed reliving their visits to various locations. He felt bad when he saw Phil's update about being lost. He quietly laughed and simultaneously cringed at the clips of them drunkenly singing in the small bar and stumbling back to their room. He sighed. There was nothing on there to suggest why Phil was acting troubled. He was about to turn the camera off when he heard Phil's muffled voice. He peered closer at the screen and realised the camera was pointed at a wall, Phil must have forgotten to switch it off. He turned the volume up.
"No, Dan. We can't!" He heard Phil's firm voice.
Can't what? He scanned the screen intently, wishing the camera was facing into the room.
"I love you." He was shocked to hear his own voice uttering those words. "I still love you, Phil. I always have. I don't think i can ever stop loving you."
Dan looked over to Phil who was sound asleep on his bed. Was that it? Was that the reason Phil had been off all day? But surely he already knew that anyway. How could they live together all those years, spend every day together, without him knowing?
The camera moved slightly, one of them must have knocked into it. He was just able to see a corner of the bed.
"Dan," Phil's voice came almost as a whisper. He turned the volume up as high as it would go. "I'm sorry. You know i don't-"
Dan swallowed hard and looked over at sleeping Phil again, knowing what he'd been about to say. When he looked back at the screen, he noticed the camera's view had changed again. Part of the screen showed the bed, but the rest seemed to be blocked by something.
"Can't we just..." He heard his own voice, pleading. "Can't we pretend? Just for tonight. I just need one night. Please."
He saw a hand move and realised it wasn't something in front of the camera, it was someone. It was Phil. Then Phil moved away from the camera towards the bed and Dan was unable to tear his eyes from the scene playing out in front of him.
He watched the whole thing in shock, not quite able to register what was happening. This was the reason Phil had been acting weird.
The camera continued to record as they slept. Dan turned it off. He'd seen what he needed to see and all the feelings and emotions flooded back to him. A million more questions buzzed in his mind - Why didn't Phil say anything? Why had he kept it secret? Was it because he was ashamed? Did he regret it? Did it mean nothing to him?
He wanted to wake Phil and ask him, he wanted answers to his questions, he needed to know what it meant...
It couldn't have meant nothing. He'd watched the whole thing and he remembered everything now. Phil hadn't acted like it was a one night thing - he'd been so gentle, more than any time before. He was so confused.
Out of frustration, Dan grabbed a pillow from his bed and threw it at Phil.

Phil woke, startled by something hitting his head. He saw Dan standing between the beds, but before he could speak he was hit again.
"What are you doing?" Phil asked, confused and slightly irritated at being woken up and pummeled with pillows.
Dan hit him again with a pillow. And again. He sat on top of him so he couldn't get away and thrust the pillow at him over and over, ignoring the tears streaming down his own face.
Phil somehow managed to get hold of the pillow and wrenched it away, then grabbed both of Dan's wrists out of fear that he'd get punched. In the same movement, he switched their positions, forcing Dan onto the bed and climbing on top of him.
"What's wrong with you?!" Phil almost shouted.
Dan wished he'd never watched that footage. He wished he could erase it from his mind. He wished he could go back in time so it never happened. But deep down, he knew that wasn't true. There was only one thing he really wished...
"I wish you could love me!" Dan shouted through his tears.
Phil let go of Dan and sat back, completely shocked, feeling as though he'd just been punched in the chest.
Dan curled into a ball and covered his head with his hands as he cried, his entire body was shaking.
Hours seemed to pass, though in reality it was only a few minutes. Dan moved first. He uncurled, wiped his eyes on the back of his hand and moved onto his bed, climbing under the covers without bothering to undress.
Phil remained in place for a few more moments, before crawling under his own covers. "Do you want to talk?" He asked tentatively.
"No." Dan replied bluntly.
Phil knew better than to push him so he lay in the silence, mentally beating himself up for every time he had ever said or done something that resulted in Dan getting hurt, while tears silently trickled down his cheeks.