Alison
'Holy shit, we're shooting Bring Me?!,' Peter almost squealed next to me. He was probably the only one in the room who didn't notice the vast, thick tension that clawed around like a venomous cloud, consuming all oxygen and making it unable to breathe.
'Pete?,' I asked with a soft, quivering voice. My eyes were stuck on Oliver, who was staring back at me just as intense. I wanted to evaporate into thin air, or jump into a hole and disappear. Anything better than standing here, feeling as if I was going to faint. 'Can you get started, please? I just have to -' Without another word I ran off, past the lads and Oliver, who moved aside barely enough for me not to run into him. I just had to get out of here. I had to breathe. I couldn't even think straight, my mind was a complete mess while panic set in and I busted into the restroom and sank back against the wall, silencing my instant sobs with a hand in front of my mouth. This couldn't be true. This had to be a sick joke.
'Not again,' I whispered between my cries. 'Not again.' It was as if I was reliving the day where I found out I would be working with Oliver at the first Drop Dead shoot I ever did. Seven fucking years ago.
'Alison!,' someone called for me. I silenced another sob with my hand, squeezing my eyes. Then I inhaled deeply, trying to get some sense into my system again. But my system was highly overwhelmed and triggered with panic, and I couldn't move. 'Alison? Are you in here?' Peter sounded a bit frantic. 'Can you come out?' I sighed again, pushing back another wave of tears and sobs, and dragged myself up.
'Yeah, just a minute,' I hollered, my voice sounding unstable. I shivered a bit and looked in the mirror, carefully wiping my eyes to not smudge my makeup. I looked pale and my eyes were still frantic, as if I had seen a ghost - which I had. Oliver had been a ghost from my past, not to be pulled back to the here and now. He had to stay where he belonged. And now he was here. But I could do this... I straightened my back and shoulders and put my short hair behind my ears, peptalking myself in my head.
'Okay... you can't walk away from this. You're earning a lot of money for this shoot. You'll survive. Just act like you don't know them.' One last shaky breath and I opened the door, looking at a slightly shocked Peter.
'Are you okay? What's going on?' His wide eyes scanned my face, and just to convince him I was okay, I tried a smile at him.
'Nothing, I just...' I shook my head and motioned him to come with me, blocking out every bit of the panic attack that was still trying to get me under. 'Hi lads,' I said as I walked back on set, pushing a fake smile on my face. 'Nice to see you. Let's get started, shall we?' Peter looked at them with wide eyes - the poor guy was definitely starstruck again. I was too, but for different reasons. 'Pete?'
'Eh, yeah,' he muttered, coming down from his daze and jumping into action.
'This Bring Me The Horizon. Lee, Matt, Matt, Jordan and -' I pointed at the lads, and ended with Oliver. I couldn't get his name over my lips.
'Oli,' he introduced himself flatly, staring at me with a dark look in his eyes.
'Yeah...' I inhaled deeply and ignored the shiver running down my spine. 'Pete, why don't you explain them our ideas?' While Peter started instructing the band about the vision we had for this shoot, I let my eyes trail off to Oliver. His short, bleached hair was now a washed-out baby blue, and on the side of his head was a tattoo peeking through. His entire right arm and the top of his hand were now tattooed all black with an intricate white lining of roses, and even in his neck he had a few new tattoos. Just as always, as if he felt I was looking at him, he suddenly looked back at me and our eyes met briefly before I looked away. I felt tears burning behind my eyes and I crossed my arms over my chest to shield myself from him. His eyes trailed away from me to Peter again, and I watched the guy warm up to the band and them to him. He made a joke that made all of them laugh, except for Oliver. He stood away from the rest a bit, trembling one leg, his hands in his pockets while he chewed the inside of his cheek. Oliver was anxious. I could read all the signs of his anxiety, and it made me realize that I was not the only one having a really hard time. I could make this easier on the both of us...
'Pete, what do you think about doing this shoot yourself while I sit back and give you tips?,' I suddenly asked him. Everyone looked at me, and Peter gave me a nervous grin. 'You got this, I trust you. Just tell them what you want or need from them. They don't bite.' Nicholls and Jordan snorted, and Oliver shot me another dark look. I ignored him and leaned back at the table my laptop and two other screens were one, watching Peter struggle to get all five of the lads in the right spot. Lee and Jordan were joking to make him feel more comfortable, and I loved that. They had always been so kind - all of them, for that matter.
When Peter was done, he got behind the camera and gave me a quick, beaming look. I winked at him and looked back at the screens, where soon enough the first photos popped up.
This was the best I could do. I could live with being in the same room, and Peter doing the shoot. I didn't have to directly interact with Oliver, didn't have to give him clues on how to pose or move. I could do so via Peter and finish this shoot successfully. It would all be over soon.
Julia and one of the editors of the magazine came to have a look at the photos, and they liked what they saw.
'He's talented, isn't he?,' Julia asked, nodding to Peter, who had found his confidence and bossed the band around to get the photo he wanted. I nodded.
'He is.'
'Or maybe it's just because he is fucking gorgeous,' she smirked, pointing at Oliver when another photo popped up. I cringed a bit.
'Maybe,' I said, trying to sound indifferent, but deep down agreeing with her. Why? Why was he looking nothing less than stunning?! 'Pete?,' I said to distract myself. He looked up, and so did Oliver, making me forget what I wanted to say next for a short moment. 'Eh... Can you - can you try and put the ISO down to 400?' He frowned, but did as I said and shot another few photos.
'Better?,' he asked. I stared at the photos and narrowed my eyes, putting my hair behind my ears again. The photos got a bit darker and a little grainy, and that was exactly what I wanted. I put my thumb up and let him continue until we decided to take a short break.
I sighed deeply and walked back to the table against the wall to pour myself another coffee. Not that I needed it; my heartrate was already way too high. I shouldn't probably have another cup, since it would only trigger my anxiety even more, but I still took a sip and closed my eyes for a moment.
'Still drinking it as black as your soul, eh?,' I heard Nicholls say. I opened my eyes and looked at him. He smiled. 'Ey, stranger.' He stuck out his arm and without thinking, I hugged him. I felt tears well up in my eyes. Before I let go, I inhaled deeply and steadied myself on my feet. My legs were trembling, and I felt like breaking down right here and now. 'How are you holding up?'
'Barely,' I muttered. He gave me a pained smile.
'I know.'
'Is it that obvious?'
'Only for the people who know,' he confided, nudging my shoulder with his. 'It's good to see you again. You look great.'
'Thanks,' I smiled, looking at my feet.
'And just so you know; you're not the only one feeling extremely awkward,' he muttered as he picked up a bottle of water and walked off again. I stared after him, watching him join Oliver and say something to him. Oliver looked back at me, and I frowned and quickly busied myself with something. Peter's excited voice reached my ears, and I listened to him talk about music to Jordan and Kean, who smiled at his young enthusiasm. Nicholls and Lee joined them too, leaving Oliver on his own a bit away from the small group, scrolling his phone. He was chewing his lip and the inside of his cheek again, looking highly agitated at the other side of the room. My eyes found their way back to him and took him in for another moment, and the sight of him made me feel all kinds of mixed emotions. He had changed so much, and yet, he still looked so much like himself. His outfit looked like it was made for him; a black pair of trousers with a black and white blouse with short sleeves on it that looked very well on him. The graphic design on his blouse contrasted hard with the colourful tattoos on his left arm, and the blue tone in his hair.
His anxiety was nearly palpable for me, and I almost felt the urge to walk up to him and comfort him. Almost. But then I was harshly reminded again on the fact that we were no longer a couple, we had a past and I had nothing to do with him anymore besides surviving this photoshoot.
*
Oliver
There was no way. This was not possible. There was no way that out of all photographers on earth, it was Alison doing this photoshoot.
She had ran off, looking just as upset as I all of a sudden felt. I had told myself for the past two years that I had been over her, but just seeing her for the first time in all those years again made me realize I certainly wasn't. And that threw me off. She had been in the back of my mind all the time, but I had pushed every thought of her away as soon as it came to the surface every now and then.
A shiver had run down my spine when I just felt she was looking at me, but I had ignored the restless feeling in my body and my heartrate running on and off. Not even trying to calm myself down by taking some soft breathes had helped me. Everything about this had made me want to leave, run off and not come back. I had only continued with the shoot because I didn't want to disappoint the young guy that was so obviously enthusiastic about working with us. He was talented, I had to give him that. But I wasn't surprised, seen as he was Alison's apprentice, so he was learning from the best.
Alison had hidden behind the monitors, judging every photo that came in. I found myself looking at her often, while she was pointing out things to some people from Rolling Stone. Sometimes our eyes met, and I hated that bolt of lightning that ran through my veins every time it happened.
Her eyes were still as bright as they had always been, their colour just as intense as I remembered. But behind them hid a depth of pain and insecurity that hadn't been there before we broke up. She had changed a lot, but she was still the same Alison that set my heart on fire whenever I saw her. Her long hair was now cut in a short, messy bob, that went just past her jawline and highlighted her sharp but feminine features. It showed part of her small neck and enhanced the beauty in her face. When she had put it behind her ears, I noticed she had a small, golden ring as a helix piercing in the top of her left ear, that had never been there when she had been with me. Her entire presence made me restless and agitated, solely for the fact that she was still so gorgeous, and I couldn't even stand to talk to her.
When the shoot was finally over, the rest of the band had loosened up to the fact that she was here with us, and went to talk to her. I watched her smile happily and hug all of them as if they were her long lost brothers - which might have felt like that to her.
'How long will you be in New York?,' Jordan asked her.
'Oh, just one more night. We arrived yesterday and will leave tomorrow again, it's just a quick work trip,' she answered.
'Just a quick work trip, says the geeky photographer girl who flies around the world to establish her name.' Nicholls put his arm around her proudly, and she smiled shyly and shrugged.
'Yeah, well... Working with you guys at the start really set off my career, I guess.'
'Huh, you've never told me you've worked with Bring Me before,' Peter said, looking up from the photos on her laptop screen and frowning. Alison chuckled.
'It's been a few years,' she said, her eyes falling on me. I narrowed mine at her and she tore her gaze off me again.
'Ali, why not go out for dinner together tonight so we can catch up?,' Jordan spontaneously proposed. My heart froze at that.
'No,' Alison and I both said at the same time. Everyone stared at us, Peter frowning again at the sudden tension between us. 'We leave very early to continue tour tomorrow,' I added.
'So? We stay in a hotel tonight, there's no curfew as when we would have been on the bus,' Lee said. I threw him a look, making him shut up about it. He didn't take the hint, though. 'Come on, we're in New York for just one night before hitting the road again.'
'What hotel are you staying?,' Alison asked.
'The Warwick, two blocks from here,' Nicholls said about our fancy hotel on Sixth Avenue in the middle of Manhattan. Alison's eyes grew wide and she went pale again.
'Hey, we're staying there too,' Peter let out with a smile. 'Rolling Stone booked us two rooms there, because it would be convenient to be so close to the office.' I grunted internally. Of-fucking-course.
*
I had been serious about not going to join them for dinner, and stuck to my words when Nicholls came over to my room and tried to talk me into it. I just asked him why he thought it would be a good idea for me to go out for dinner while my ex-wife - who had been a total fucking surprise today - was there too. He had just shrugged, saying he hoped we could at least be nice to each other again, and I had thrown the door close in his face. After that, I had laid down on bed watching tv for a while. Nothing that was on interested me in the slightest way, so I just scrolled my phone for a while until somehow, I ended up on Alison's Instagram account. I hadn't looked at it for a long while; I hardly ever spent time on Instagram, I didn't even really follow people. The only times I used it lately was to promote either a new Drop Dead collection, new music or tour dates being announced.
Alison had been paving along the way in the past years, and her photos of bands, brands and random things kept me occupied for a while. Without thinking, I smiled a bit at a backstage photo she had taken with Alan, just a few months ago. She seemed happy and in her place, and Alan was just... Alan. After Warped 2012, we had toured in the US with Of Mice and Men in 2014 again. It wasn't that I really knew the guys, but I had liked them. They had been easy to be around, and Alan had always been a goofball. Alison had always adored being around him, and Austin.
I sighed and scrolled some more, coming to the sad realization that she had deleted all photos of us together. Suddenly wondering what the hell I was doing, I threw my phone away and rolled on my stomach, hiding my face in the pillows and trying to black out some memories about her.
It was as if every single molecule in my body was aching for her, craving to be around her. It almost felt as bad as my craving for ketamine, and it made me even more restless.
Without really thinking, I jumped off the bed, put on my shoes, grabbed my phone and wallet and left the room. With some impatience I pressed the buttons of the elevator a few times, until it pinged and the doors opened. I got in, smiling politely at the chique looking elderly couple who threw me a weird look, and kept quiet until we hit the lobby.
''Scuse me,' I said to the clerk behind the check-in desk. 'Could you please tell me which room miss Alison Sy -' Ouch. '- Evans is staying?'
'I'm afraid I can't give you that information, sir. I'm sorry. Can I help you with anything else?,' he said. I bit my lip and felt my hope drain down.
'No, thanks,' I muttered, ticking my fingers on the counter a few times as I walked off. As I passed the bar that was across the lobby, a familiar laugh made the hairs on my arms stand on end. I stopped in my tracks and froze. Again, her laugh. Slowly, my head turned towards the bar and I saw Alison sitting at a table with all four of my bandmates and Peter, who looked as if he was having the time of his life. Then I got the life in my body back and walked up to them. Kean noticed me first, and he stared at me, making the rest of the lads and Alison fall quiet and look too. Alison gasped softly.
'Ey,' I said, wondering why the hell I was doing this to myself. I looked down on her and drowned in her eyes.
'Anyway, I think it's time to go,' Nicholls then said, breaking the tense silence. He emptied his beer and made the rest get up. 'Don't do anything stupid,' he muttered to me. I frowned and looked after him and the rest of the band, until Jordan came back and plucked Peter from his chair too.
'Hey!,' he let out. 'What are you -'
'Trust me, you don't want to be part of this,' Jordan said, pulling the poor guy with him. Alison and I both stared after them, then at each other.
'Maybe I should -,' she started, getting up too.
'Please... don't?' She froze at my quiet words. With a soft exhale, she slowly sat down again, and I took Lee's chair opposite from her. Her eyes anxiously trailed over our surroundings, looking at everything but me. Nerves ran through my veins, making me tremble one of my legs up and down quickly, and my hands trying to find something to pick on - a paper napkin was the victim. I quietly tore the napkin in tiny pieces, biting my lip and trying to find the courage to start a conversation.
'Oliver -,' she started at the same time I did.
'How much does a polar bear weigh?' Alison frowned and threw me a weird look.
'What?!,' she asked. I pouted my lips and shook my head, cursing myself for being stupid with that lame joke.
'Never mind...' Her eyes softened a bit and a small smile tugged at the corners of her mouth.
'Enough to break the ice,' she then muttered, sitting back in her chair. I chuckled a bit and looked at her.
'Seems that Carlile wasn't wrong about that one,' I said. Alison rolled her eyes and shook her head.
'Stupid fuck,' she whispered under her breath. My eyebrows shot up and I threw her an amused look. 'Listen, Oli...' Oh, how I had missed hearing her say my name like that. I got shivers running over my entire body and I gulped, biting my lip again. Her eyes were watching my fingers tearing the last part of the napkin apart, the white colour of it contrasting with my heavily tattooed hands.
'Tom was right,' she whispered. I frowned and looked up at her, my fingers falling silent.
''bout what?,' I asked. Alison shrugged, then pointed her fingers between the both of us.
'Us walking into each other eventually.' I only listened half to her words, since my brain was hay wiring at the fact that we were sitting here with each other. My hands swept the pieces of napkin together, until someone came up to our table and asked if we wanted another drink. Alison thanked the waiter and said no, I ordered an iced tea. She scanned me with her eyes.
'You only drink iced tea when you try to stay away from alcohol,' she stated. I gave her a lopsided smile and just looked at her. 'How long have you been sober?'
'Eh... Almost two years,' I muttered. 'Alcohol and ketamine.'
'Good for you,' she said.
'Thanks...' There was an awkward silence between us for a moment, until my drink got placed on the table. 'You know -,' I started, squeezing the slice of lemon in my iced tea with the pestle, making the ice cubes clink against the glass. 'The only reason I kicked off again was you.' I looked up at her and saw her frown.
'Me?' I nodded.
'After everything you have ever done for me, I had no reason to - you know... hurt you like that. And after you left, which was a logic reaction, honestly -,' I said, putting my hands up to let her know I understood. '- I didn't think I would ever be happy again. I started using to numb the hurt, the only way of coping I knew. But then I realized that I put you through so much heartbreak already, and I didn't want to give you the feeling that everything you had done for me was in vain, so... I stopped using.' Her eyes were dark, trailing my face.
'Well...,' she started, her voice breaking. 'At least you realized that at some point in the process. Better late than never, eh?' Alison gave me a pained smile and got up.
'Alison...'
'If only you knew how much you've hurt me, Oliver...,' she whispered, her eyes now glistening with tears.
'Trust me, I know,' I told her, getting up too. I walked up to her and stopped with only a few inches left between us. The faint scent of her perfume - the one she had always worn and I loved so much on her - reached my nose and made my head go empty. 'Every day, up until this day, I have to live with the idea that you divorced me because of what I have done to you. And I know there are not enough words to tell you how much I hate myself for that. I have been lost without you.' As if it was living its own life, my hand went up to her face and softly caressed her cheek, making her close her eyes with her breath stuck in her throat. 'Because after all, you have always been my wonderwall.'