Oliver
In the days after my overdose, Alison hardly left my side. She was where I was, and she doted on taking care of me – even though I was perfectly fine again. I was taking my medication, which triggered my mental wellbeing for now, but I wasn't experiencing any withdrawal symptoms anymore. She wanted me to rest and process what had happened, I just wanted to stay busy and forget about it all. I didn't want anyone to know, because I didn't want any hate, so we left it as it was and didn't tell anybody. The start of therapy was scheduled in a week from now, despite me protesting against it, but she gave me no choice. It was either me going to therapy, or her saying she felt as if I didn't respect her enough if I didn't. Needless to say I had agreed on going, because I had the utmost respect for Alison for putting up with my difficult being and everything I had put her through. This was the least I could do for her – and myself.
We had been having deep conversations about our relationship and her trauma from finding me on the floor, drugged out and on the verge of being alive. I now saw how low I had really been, and how it had affected Alison and our marriage when I became aggressive against her. She confessed that she had felt really helpless and as if she was living with a stranger while I had been using, and she'd had no idea how she could help me because I didn't let her and also didn't let her in. I had just really fucked up again, and Alison had told me how she'd had the feeling it would escalate again and how there had been nothing she could do about it. She had been so scared to lose me to the one thing I obviously couldn't live without – besides her.
We had both cried a lot while talking about it, and I had never felt so guilty in my entire life as in that moment. It made me really see how I was hurting others with my behaviour, either intentional or not, and I just didn't want to be that person anymore. I wanted to do better – but how often had I already said I would try before? I knew the only thing I could do was work on myself and try to be better, but that there would always be a weakness inside me that could open up when I least expected it. I didn't want to accept that, but I guessed I just had to because it was just the way it was. Addiction was a chronic mental challenge, the only thing you could do about it was learning how to deal with it.
Talking to Alison helped, but writing my feelings down did even more, so I wrote pages full of lyrics that could be used for the new album. Jordan and I had been back to producing again, and we had finally gotten somewhere with the tracks that had been a work in progress for too long now. I had recorded some new lyrics, and Jordan had opted to get the rest of the lads involved soon now we were ready for instrumentals.
Kingslayer was still missing something, and Alison asked me if she could listen to what we had already recorded.
'What do you want it to sound like?,' she asked while sitting on my lap and listening intently. I shrugged.
'I don't know, like the intro of a sick anime?,' I joked. She laughed and listened until the track had ended.
'If you want it to sound like an anime-intro, you know what this needs?,' she asked.
'No?'
'A little Babymetal.' She smirked a bit and looked at me. I frowned and processed her words.
'As if Babymetal would do a collab with us.' Alison shrugged.
'You are working with other artists for this album, why not try Babymetal too?'
'I don't think that will work out.'
'You can always ask.'
'Ask who?'
'Their management.'
'Alison...' I chuckled a bit. 'Really?' She cocked a defiant eyebrow at me and pulled out her phone, scrolling through it for a moment. Then she picked up a pen and paper and wrote an email address down.
'Try them,' she dared me, with that same look in her eyes. I looked at the email address when she slid off my lap.
'Where did you even get this?,' I asked her while she left the room.
'Oh love, I think you're forgetting about my extensive clientele,' she just said, disappearing without another word. I looked at the email address again and shook my head, laughing a bit. Of course. She had been working with Babymetal before. Maybe I should ask the lads for their opinion about it. That said, Nicholls and Chloe were coming over for dinner tonight.
I threw out a text in the group chat asking for an online meet up any day soon to talk music, and then decided to call it a day and go take a shower before they would arrive. As I walked into the bedroom, my eyes fell on something sticking out from under the bed. I picked it up and frowned, then realized it was the plastic packaging of a medical item. I stared at it for a moment, trying to push away the damaged memories of what had happened here just a few days ago. I threw the packaging away and took a shower, got dressed again and went to see if Alison needed any help in the kitchen.
'What are you making?,' I asked her. I kissed her cheek and took my phone to put some music on over the speakers in the house. Alison smiled and stirred a pan.
'An attempt at that katsu curry with fried eggplant we ate in Japan last year, because Nicholls liked it so much,' she answered, holding out a spoon to me to taste.
'You are too good for that guy. Ouch, fuck,' I said when I burned my mouth while tasting. Alison rolled her eyes.
'Blow first, idiot.'
'Blow me first then, love,' I joked, laughing when she threw me a disgusted look and slapped the kitchen towel my way.
'You dirty boy,' she chuckled, slapping the towel at me again. It hit my thigh when I jumped away from her.
'Ouch!,' I yelped again, laughing now. Alison did too and we looked at each other for a moment, catching our breath. Then she came up to me and kissed me deeply, her arms around my neck and standing on her toes. 'What's gotten over you?,' I muttered against her lips.
'Nothing, I just love being silly with you.' She kissed me one last time and sank back to her feet, turning around to stir in her curry.
'Can I help you?'
'Sure. Would you please prep the eggplant?' I did as she told me and softly sang along with A Day To Remember. Alison looked at me from the corner of her eyes and smiled, then started singing to The Downfall Of Us All too.
'I'm gonna need you to try to follow along
I did the best that I could to try to write you songs
Now go tell them we sold out
Like we're the ones who changed
I write what I feel, I say what I mean, you can't buy sincerity,' I sang, laughing when Alison held her wooden spoon like a microphone.
'I sold my soul to the open road,' she sang, laughing.
'I'll live my life alone,' both of us then chanted. Alison laughed harder and started on the chorus, and I smiled and looked at her having uncomplicated fun for a moment. I joined her again and we sang along until the song was finished and something else started playing.
'Maybe you should record something with me again for the new album,' I then said.
'Oh, hell no,' she immediately answered. 'Nuh-uh.' Alison shook her head.
'Why not? Last time was fun,' I tried again. She gave me a side eye.
'For you, maybe. I've never been so fucking uncomfortable in my life.' I chuckled and shook my head while finishing the eggplant. We just randomly talked and bantered a bit while cooking for another while, until the bell rang. I wiped my hands and walked up to the panel at the front door to open the gate and then the door.
'Aye!,' Nicholls hollered with a grin when he got up to the door. 'Are we still social distancing?'
'Fuck social distancing,' I said, pulling him in a hug. It felt good to see him again. I greeted Chloe the same way and led them into the living room. Alison seemed really happy to have guests over and greeted them excitedly, and when I had handed them a drink we sat down on the couch.
'Oli, I know I keep saying it every time we are here, but the view from your living room is so gorgeous,' Chloe sighed, staring outside into the green hills. I smiled.
'I know. Main reason why I bought this house.'
'Totally understandable...' She kept looking outside for a while, then got up to talk to Alison in the kitchen when Nicholls and I started hitting it off about music.
'You should hear this raw track Jordan and I just finished,' I said to him.
'Well, fucking show me then,' Nicholls said. I shrugged, finished my drink and nodded towards the studio room. We got up and left the girls catching up over wine at the kitchen island.
'Okay, so –' I ticked the space key on the key board and the computer came back to life. 'I just wanted to add something to the album about what has been happening in the world lately, and came up with this.' I opened a track called Parasite Eve. 'It's the raw version, so don't hang on it too much, but –' I looked up at Nicholls, and I saw he was already listening intently. I smiled and let my head softly bob on the beat.
'Mate, we should really get together with the lads to talk about this album. I feel like our online meetings aren't covering the vibe enough,' he said when the track finished. 'I'm feeling it so much better when we're together.'
'Same,' I said, leaning back in my chair and looking at the computer screen. Nicholls looked around a bit and pulled my notepad from the desk, scanning it through for a moment. His eyes lingered on the lyrics I had scribbled down, then he looked at me.
'How have you been holding up?,' he then asked, leaning down on the desk and putting the notepad down. I looked from it to him and shrugged.
'Fucked up,' I said. Nicholls gave me a small smile.
'Obviously,' he said, looking at the lyrics again. 'Why didn't you talk to me? Or any of us?' I shrugged again.
'Everyone's been busy with themselves and their family's safety enough already, in the past two months,' I said. 'No need to worry about me.'
'Hmm,' Nicholls just said. 'You're my best friend. You could've come to me.'
'Alison's been there for me.'
'Alison deserves a break from your dark moods sometimes too.' His words struck me more than I cared to admit, and Nicholls realized when I gave him a hurt look. 'I know she won't, but she does. I love you, bud, but you can be a real pain in the arse when you're going through something. And Alison was stuck with you in quarantine.'
'She didn't mind,' I retorted, knowing she did.
''lright, if you say so.' It fell quiet and I bit my lip. Alison should not have been the only one I had been relying on so heavily, but on the other hand, she had never showed any sign of it being too much on her. 'But just talk to me, or any of the lads, if it gets too dark in that head of yours again.' He gave me a stern look and I nodded to keep him satisfied.
'Oli, Mat! Dinner's ready,' Alison's voice hollered from the kitchen. We got up and walked back, and Nicholls got excited when he realized what was for dinner.
'Oh my God, you made katsu curry?!,' he said happily when he sat down next to Chloe. I helped Alison dish out the food and then we sat down too.
'If the eggplant tastes off, it's Oli's fault,' Alison said while sitting down.
'Oi, why my fault?,' I asked her, playing being offended.
'You made it,' she chuckled. I did too, rolled my eyes and sat down next to her, and we all started eating while catching up over the last few months. Nicholls and Chloe had been renovating in their home to kill the time in lockdown, and were now finishing up the living room.
'Next dinner will be on us, and you'll see how hard we've been working,' Chloe told Alison. She smiled widely and nodded, happy to be socializing again.
'Ali, this curry is delicious. And Oli,' Nicholls said, looking at me. 'The eggplant is the grossest thing I've ever eaten.' I gave him my middle finger and we both started laughing. Alison and Chloe just gave each other a look, and both shook their heads quietly. We just talked and enjoyed each other's company, laughing at jokes and memories, and then Alison got up saying she also had some dessert. I gave Nicholls and Chloe another drink and helped Alison clearing the table and organize the kitchen for a moment. Then she pulled some ice cream from the freezer and made up some plates.
'You got sesame and matcha ice cream?,' I asked, getting excited. She nodded and smiled happily at me.
'I know you liked it in Japan, so I figured I'd buy some when I was at the toko anyway.'
'Hmm, reason number three hundred seventy four why I love you – you bring me home treats you know I love,' I said, pulling her in and kissing her. She chuckled.
'Of course I do.' She pulled away and handed our guests their dessert, and Nicholls visibly went on a trip down memory lane back to tour in Japan because of the ice cream.
'Ali, what happened to that photo of us on Shibuya crossing you took back then?,' he asked.
'It became a poster in Rocksound Magazine,' she answered. Nicholls smirked and looked at Chloe.
'Seems like you're dating a poster boy, after all,' he said, wiggling his eyebrow at her. Chloe chuckled and rolled her eyes.
'Time for you lads to hang out again as men amongst themselves, he's becoming unsufferable,' she told me. I laughed.
'Well, same goes for me – ask Alison,' I answered. Alison looked at me sideways and bit her lip, and my smile disappeared. Nicholls noticed.
'A lad-date has been way overdue anyway,' he said, looking at me intensely. I knew he meant he wanted to talk to me about how I had been.
'I'd love to hang out with everyone again,' Alison sighed. 'I miss everyone. So much has happened, and we hardly stayed in touch, because...' She made a face and seemed to think what to say next. I looked at her, wondering whether she was going to tell what had happened, hoping she didn't. 'Well, I guess everyone's just been really busy with themselves,' she finished.
'Surely so,' Chloe said. 'But yeah, we need to get everyone together soon. Would be fun to spend time together again. Lockdown has been hard enough on everyone already.' We all agreed, Alison and I with a pained smile and a careful glance at each other.
'Glad the world is slowly opening up again,' I said, meaning it. Church was getting back to opening again, with social distancing rules as standard, and Drop Dead had been back in business too. Shops and restaurants were slowly opening up, and the city center wasn't as dead as it had been anymore. The world felt a little back to what it had been, and it helped my mood a bit.
'Yeah. If only we were allowed to travel, we'd go on a fucking vacation,' Nicholls said.
'Count me in,' Alison muttered. 'I could do a fucking break from it all.' Her eyes met mine, and I knew she didn't mean it that way, but it felt as if she was talking about me.
'Maybe we should go together,' Chloe opted. Alison grinned.
'I like the way you think, girl.'
'Let's get everyone involved then,' Nicholls added. He looked at all three of us. 'Let's plan a vacation with the whole club, kids and partners involved. Let's get back in touch with each other. It's nothing for us as a band to spend so much time without each other. It's been ages.' I smiled at his words.
'We should seriously think about it for when travelling is allowed again. Would be so much fun!,' Alison said excitedly.
'To where, though?,' Chloe then asked.
'Malta,' I said, looking at Alison. She smiled, which turned into a smirk, and she looked away from me to not get her cheeks heated. I smirked too and bit my lip, thinking of how uncomplicatedly happy and in love we had been the last time we were there. Nicholls studied us for a moment and lightly shook his head, knowing both of us and our chemistry well enough to know what our non-verbal communication meant.
'Sure, we'll go back to your happy place,' Nicholls said while making a face. 'At least it's not a bus we'll have to share with you two love birds this time.' Alison choked a bit on her drink and coughed, and I chuckled.
'You were just jealous you weren't getting any on tour,' she threw back. Nicholls stuck out his tongue to her and she did the same.
'I have to live with this,' Chloe sighed, smiling a bit at their bantering.
'I'll come share a bed with you on Malta if you want,' I told Nicholls. He started laughing and now Alison rolled her eyes.
'It's gonna be you and me then, Chlo,' she said. Chloe chuckled.
'I'm in for a girl's trip, if needed,' she said. 'But we're all on then?'
'We're in,' Alison said happily. 'Let's ask the rest too. As soon as travelling is allowed again, we can book something.' We agreed and toasted our drinks to the idea of going on a vacation with the whole gang. The girls got so excited that they were already looking up rental houses on Alison's laptop while sipping wine, and Nicholls and I decided to play a videogame and have a beer. It got really late, and neither Nicholls nor Chloe was sober enough to drive back home, so they stayed the night in the guest bedroom.
'Wouldn't it be lovely to be all together again?,' Alison sighed as she got ready for bed. She was taking off her makeup in the bathroom while I was getting undressed.
'Yeah, for sure,' I muttered, throwing my clothes on a chair in the corner of the room. Alison came walking in and gave me a look.
'We have a closet or laundry basket for that,' she pointed. I shrugged and chuckled when she rolled her eyes and picked up my clothes. 'What are you, a teenager?,' she complained. She threw my shirt in the laundry basket and folded my jeans, opening my side of the walk-in closet and putting it back. She kept looking into the closet for a moment, then pulled out the jacket of the red suit I had been wearing on tour last year.
'What are you doing?,' I asked her while she looked at it and ran her hand over the fabric.
'You looked so good in this,' she said, looking at me.
'Looked?,' I asked her, chuckling at her past tense. 'I bet I still look good in it.' I walked up to her and took the jacket from her, putting it on while only wearing my boxers. Alison smirked.
'You're right,' she said, pulling me in for a kiss. Her hands slid under the jacket over my bare sides, and I laughed quietly. I pulled away and looked at her as her eyes scanned over all the tattoos on my body that were still visible. 'God, why do you have to be so fucking gorgeous?,' she sighed, making me laugh, knowing what she wanted from me.
'Why do you have to be fucking horny when you're tipsy?,' I teased, pulling her in again. Alison gasped.
'I'm not tipsy!' I cocked an eyebrow at her.
'You sure?,' I asked, kissing her neck. She whimpered a bit at that. 'You emptied two bottles of wine with Chloe...'
'Well, if this is what you do to me when I am tipsy, then I certainly am,' she gave in, her breath stuck in her throat when I kissed my way down on her. She chuckled and yelped when I swayed her around and put her on the bed. 'Keep that fucking jacket on,' she demanded in a hushed whisper when I bent down on top of her.
'Yes, m'am,' I said before kissing her again. Her hands slid under my jacket again and soon enough we were totally lost into each other. It wasn't the first time we were intimate since my little overdose adventure, but this time felt more like the connected intimacy we had always had, rather than the desperate, living on the edge sex we'd had after our intensely deep conversations in the past days. I loved being this way with Alison, because to me it was one of the best ways to feel how much we belonged together. There had never been someone else I had connected so well to, who I was so in tune with as her. I had lost my heart and my entire being to her long ago, and it would always stay that way.
*
The next morning I woke up to the faint buzzing of my phone. I sighed deeply from being pulled out of my sleep and kept my eyes closed for another while, until I realized Alison was already out of bed. I could hear her faint voice coming from the living room, paired with Nicholls' lower one. Oh right, they had stayed the night. I had been so relaxed for once because of having fun and hanging out with friends again, having a drink and playing some videogames, that I had finally slept through the night for once again.
I picked up my phone and checked the time, then opened the texts that had been blowing up my phone. I frowned and then chuckled at the name of the new group chat that Chloe had made; Bring Me The Vacation. Alison and her had been spamming the chat with ideas and options for rental homes, and scanning through the chat everyone seemed on board for now.
'Nice,' I muttered, a genuine happy feeling spreading through my body for the first time in forever. I thought about adding Tom to the group and see if he and Lizzy were up for an adventure too. Then I got out of bed, taking my medication and a quick shower before getting dressed comfortably and getting to see what the rest was up to. I found Nicholls sitting at the kitchen island, sipping coffee while scrolling his phone. Alison was preparing breakfast, and she smiled when I kissed her cheek and let my hand find her bum for a moment.
'Sir, I'd rather not have you harass the hostess,' Nicholls told me.
'Well, the hostess has harassed me too last night, so she had it coming,' I said airily, ducking away when Alison turned around furiously and whacked her hand in my direction.
'You,' she just said, pointing her spoon at me with a chuckle.
'Ew, I don't want to hear about it,' Nicholls just said, making a face and scrolling his phone again. Chloe walked in too, and Alison made her some coffee. I leant against the kitchen counter and looked at some of my favourite people being around me, then smiled a bit.
'Anyway, seems like the girls have already planned the entire trip,' Nicholls said. Chloe smiled.
'We only need a date and we're set,' she said, scrolling through the group chat.
'You're forgetting about covid-restrictions needing to be lifted first,' I said, a bit darkly.
'Fair enough, but when they do, we can book. I almost feel like a personal assistant for the band.' Alison looked at her and laughed.
'A personal assistant would be handy sometimes,' I said.
'Don't you already have one?,' Chloe asked skeptically.
'Eh, no?,' I answered. Chloe looked at Alison, who scraped her throat, then handed me a mug of tea.
'There you go, mister Sykes. Ginger tea with a hint of lemon, because I know that's your preference,' she said. I laughed a bit and took the mug from her. 'Did you take –'
'Yeah, I did,' I told her before she could finish her question about me taking my medication. 'Thank you, my lovely assistant.' Alison threw me a look and went back to preparing breakfast. The kitchen felt alive this morning, while we all talked randomly and joked around. Alison and Chloe went into a fit of laughter when I told an anecdote about Nicholls on tour from years ago, making him giving me nasty looks while trying to hold in his laughter, and Chloe couldn't keep herself from telling Alison about all the stupid things Nicholls and I had done when we were younger. Alison just smiled and shook her head while finishing breakfast, and we decided to eat outside in the backyard since the May weather was so nice. The company, the friendly bantering and joking around, the weather, and the prospect of going on a vacation with friends gave my mood a boost, and I felt light and happy again for once. Alison noticed, because when Nicholls and Chloe left, she turned to me and hugged me tightly.
'You look happy,' she muttered into my chest. I ran my hand through her hair and she looked up at me, her chin against my chest. Her eyes were bright and full of life again.
'I am,' I told her honestly. She smiled, but her eyes got emotional – and I completely understood why, because I felt the same.
[A/N: I just wanted to write something a bit more airy :')]