~~I'm addicted to you~~

It's been a couple of days and to be really honest... I feel more and more depressed as the days are going by.
I want to hurt myself but I won't cause that will be the only memories that Phil has of me.
I'm thinking about doing it in the next week or so
I have some anti-depressants I can over dose on and hopefully that will work.

My thoughts are like a war inside my head and the negative ones are winning.

I've had an idea to do a few small videos for Phil.
If he was sad one day he could play a certain video and it would be like we are having a conversation to do with him being sad
Or if he was happy
Or angry
Or depressed
I want him to feel comforted.

I feel really selfish about this but I need to go.
I just need to leave without being saved.
I just hope that Phil doesn't save me somehow.

"Dan I'm going out to do some food shopping... come on...your coming too!"
Phil shouted from the living room.

I can't go
I need to do those videos

"Philllll!  You can go and I'll stay here!"

I could hear Phils footsteps after he groaned and dropped his  jacket on the floor.

My door flung open.

"Dan you coming with me! I can't trust you"

Leave me alone

"You can... promise"

Phil stood there in the door way, looking around my room to see any possible self harming tools.

"Ahh.. I'll be taking this"
He said while he picked up an old screw from my curtain rail.

"Ok...I won't be needing it"

"I'll be 30 minutes maximum ok?"

"Ok"

He left my room and I heard the door shut a few seconds after.

So how was I going to do this?
Am I going to talk to the camera and pretend it's Phil?

I pulled out my camera equipment and set it up as if I was doing a YouTube video

I haven't filmed a video in ages
Probably should do that before I go

I'm going to film a video as if Phil was upset.
This idea sounds stupid
Ugh
I'm gonna do it anyways

Record

"Hey Philly.. don't cry
You'll be fine
Close your eyes and look up
I'm up there looking at you and you look gorgeous
I've saw what happened
I was there next to you"

I glanced over at the old piano.
Maybe I could play.

"Hey Phil...
Keep your eyes closed
I'm going to play on the piano."

I started to play 'interrupted by fireworks' which was one of the songs from the Final Fantasy soundtrack.
This song reminded me of Phil... I don't know why... it just did.
And he liked it when I used to play before the accident.

"Hope you liked it..."I said smiling at the camera.
"Go make yourself a cup of tea... you deserve it.. have a few biscuits... and if you have none because you've had no will to do anything, go buy some.
Just a pack of hobnobs
Anyway... I'll see you around buddy...
I can't wait to see you..
I love you Phil... and I'm here right next to you...
Go get some sleep... your tired"

I end the video with a heart I made with my hands.
I know he would be tired... whenever we were on holiday without each other we would try and face time even if that meant staying up till half 2 in the morning.
We miss each other dearly
And it's sad that he won't be able to wait a week for me to come back... I guess that's how life works.

I still had some time until Phil came back so I decided to go live for 10 minutes or so.

I sent out a tweet alerting everyone that I was going live on younow. All the fans were happy that we changed from Rize to younow... Phil and I are too.. it was a sponsor ship deal and me and Phil had to do live streams on Rize for a while so we would be showing off the app.. but everyone hated it.

"Hey guys..!long time no see" I said waving at the screen.
I glanced at the comments.
Cuts on your arms?!
Dan what?
Wtf Dan?
Dan have you been cutting?

Crap.
I  let my sleeve fall down accidentally.

"It's fine guys... some stuff was happening but I'm fine now.. anyway any YouTube drama?"
The fans knew me too well as they picked up on my strange conversation starter.

Daniel and YouTube drama?
Dan somethings going on
You never wanna hear about drama so why now huh?

"Guys stop overreacting" I said smiling slightly, trying to cover up everything

Suddenly the chat was going crazy
Saying
"PHAN IS REAL OMG"
"I KNEW IT"
"PHANNNN"
"BRB IM GONNA TELL MY NAN!"

AmazingPhil:
Hey bear xx I'm gonna be 10 minutes xx :)

I immediately went a bright shade of red.
He did this on purpose.

"Anyway guys... I'll do a live when The Rat gets back."

AmazingPhil:
I'm still here

"Byeee"

I ended the show and rang Phil

"Hey Dan" Phil chuckled

"DONT  hey dan ME! PHILIP LESTER YOU COMPLETE SPORK! LOOK WHAT YOUVE DONE" I was full on shouting down the phone with anger I didn't know I had.

"Calm down Dan... I did it to embarrass you... and it worked haha"

"Fuxk you"

"I care about you tooo bye Dan"

"Bye little shit"

I made him a coffee while waiting for him to come back home

Heyyyyy
Schoolwork is crap
There are
So many reasons why I havnt updated
💖✨❤️✨💖✨❤️✨💖✨❤️✨💖
Sorryyyyyyy
Baiii