CHAPTER 56
ROSE
Pagkarating ko sa bahay, humalik muna ako kay Daddy at Mommy bago ako dumiretso sa aking kuwarto. Nilapag ko na lang sa sahig ang gamit ko at tinapon ko ang aking sarili sa kama nang nakadapa. Sinubsub ko ang aking mukha sa unan. Nagsimulang mag-flashback ang mga nangyari mula nang magkita kami muli ni Erik.
Naalala ko yung birthday ni Tita Nang kung saan naglabas ako ng hinanakit sa kanya sa pamamagitan ng pagkanta. I admitted then na talagang na-miss ko siya. Ngunit, may kirot pa rin ang pagkikita namin noon dahil sa hindi ko makalimutan ang sakit na ginawa ni Erik sa akin. Naramdaman kong may lumabas na luha sa aking mata.
Nagbago ang scene sa isip ko at napunta kami sa field trip na kasama namin si Racky. Noong una, hindi ko matanggap ang muli naming pagsasama ni Erik. Ngunit, the moment sa Puno ng Lolo at Lola ni Erik ang nagbigay ng malaking pagbabago sa attitude ko noon kay Erik. Naging masaya ulit ako sa piling niya. Tulong na rin siguro ang napaka-gentle na aura ni Racky.
And then, bumalik ang scene kanina sa Quezon City Circle when we danced again. Inamin ni Erik na ginagawa niya ang lahat para sa aming dalawa. Para magkabalikan kaming dalawa sa isa't isa. He's willing to do everything for me, even taking the difficulties. And he's also willing to wait for me again, just like what he did noong hinintay niyang sagutin ko siya. At this point, hindi ko napigilang tumulo ang isa pang luha.
Hinarap ko ang aking sarili para tumingin sa kisame. Bakit ba ako nakakaramdam ng ganitong pagkagulo ng isip? Bakit ko iniisip ang mga bagay na ito sa aming dalawa ni Erik? Bakit kahit masakit, kahit nasaktan ako, kahit iniwan ako ni Erik, bumabalik unti-unti ang aking damdamin para sa unang lalaking minahal ko ng sobra? We've been separated for three months. But he made me feel this way again in a matter of days.
Sa gitna ng aking magulong pag-iisip, may kumatok sa aking pintuan.
"Anak, puwede bang pumasok?" Pakiusap sa akin ni Mommy.
Mabilis kong pinunasan ang luha sa aking mga mata. Hindi ko na kailangan sumagot dahil papasok naman talaga si Mommy no matter what. As expected, bumukas ang pinto at nagpakita ang concerned na mukha ni Mommy.
"Mommy," tanging sabi ko sa kanyang pagpasok.
"May pagkain sa baba. Hindi ka ba kakain?" Tanong sa akin ni Mommy.
Umiling na lang ako habang nakayuko bilang sagot.
"Tumawag kanina lang sila Rachel at Lenny. Iniwan mo daw sila sa Quezon City Circle."
Hindi ako umimik pagkatapos sabihin iyon ni Mommy. Nakalimutan ko man na kasama ko kanina sina Rachel at Lenny, kinailangan kong umalis na lang dahil napaka-overwhelming na ng emotions ko dahil kay Erik.
"Si Erik ba?"
Tumingala ako para tingnan si Mommy. Nabasa na niya marahil ang nasa isip ko. Tumango na lang ako sa kanya. Ngumiti sa akin saka lumapit sa kama para umupo sa tabi ko. Binangon ko ang aking sarili para makaupo.
"Wala namang mababago kung gugutumin mo ang sarili mo, anak," sabi sa akin ni Mommy.
Sa panahong iyon, sumagi sa aking isipan ang kinuwento sa akin ni Daddy noon tungkol sa kanilang dalawa ni Mommy. Tumingin ako sa kanya.
"Mommy, may tanong ako?"
"Ano iyon, anak?"
Yumuko muna ako sabay fold ng paa ko. Pinalipot ko rito ang aking mga kamay na parang niyayakap ito bago ako tumingin ako sa kanya at nagsalita muli.
"Ano ang pakiramdam noong iniwan ka ni Daddy?"
Napangiti lang sa akin si Mommy. "Sabi ko na nga ba, itatanong mo sa akin iyan."
Napatawa ako ng maliit nang sabihin niya ito.
"Yung totoo," pagpatuloy ni Mommy. "Masakit. Dahil iniwan ako ng Daddy mo noon. Ang mas masakit pa, iniwan niya ako dahil nagkaroon siya ng pagkakataong balikan ang dati niyang niligawan."
"Umiyak ka ba noong nalaman mo?"
"Oo."
"Nagalit ka ba sa kanya?" Tanong ko pa sa kanya.
"Oo naman. Sobra."
"Nainis ka ba kapag naririnig mo ang pangalan niya?"
"Maamoy ko pa nga lang siya, nagagalit na ako."
"Nairita ka ba kapag nakikita mo siya?"
"Oo. Kasi hindi ko na ninais pang makita pagkatapos naming maghiwalay."
"Naging bitter ka ba sa kanya?"
"Oo! Grabe ang pagka-bitter ko. Kinutya at itinatwa ko siya dahil doon."
"Eh bakit mo pa rin po siya binalikan?"
Hindi kaagad sumagot si Mommy. Nag-isip muna siya bago ngumiti sa akin at sumagot.
"Dahil mahal ko siya. Mahal ko ang Daddy mo."
Natahimik ako nang sinabi niya iyon.
"Iyon lang ang dahilan mo, Mommy? Tanong ko sa kanya.
"Dahil iyon lamang naman talaga ang dahilan ko, anak," pangiting sagot ni Mommy. "At iyon ang totoo. Totoong nararamdaman nito." Sabay hawak sa dibdib niya. Pareho kami palagi ng gesture kapag ang puso na ang pinag-uusapan.
"Noong bumalik ang Daddy mo at humingi siya ng kapatawaran," sunod na sabi ni Mommy. "Hindi ko kaagad binigay iyon sa kanya. Inisip ko noon, 'Nasaktan mo na ako. Iniwan mo na ako. Pinagpalit mo pa ako. Bakit pa kita babalikan? Bakit pa ako magpapakatanga?' Pero, nakita ko kung gaano pinagsisihan ng Daddy mo ang sakit na dinulot niya sa akin. Ginawa niya ang lahat para mapatawad ko siya kahit na batuhin pa siya noon ng Lolo mo ng kaserola."
Hindi ako nagsalita. In-internalize ko ang sinabing iyon ni Mommy nang tinanong niya sa akin.
"May tanong naman ako sa'yo, anak," sabi sa akin bigla ni Mommy. "Ano ba ang meaning sa iyo ng 'second chance'?"
Napaisip ako at nagtaka. Biglang singit ng ganoong tanong.
"Bakit niyo naman po naitanong iyan?" Tanong ko kay Mommy.
"Sagutin mo muna ang tanong ko," sabi ni Mommy.
"Sa totoo lang po," panimula ko. "Binibigay ang second chances sa mga taong deserving."
"Tama," nakangiting sagot ni Mommy. "Hindi dahil sa takot tayong masaktan muli kaya hindi natin maibigay sa taong nanakit sa atin ang second chance na hinihingi nito. Most of the time, dahil sa pride. Ayaw nating mapahiya muli sa ating sarili. Kaya kung bibigyan natin ng second chance ang mga taong iyon, kailangan deserving sila. Karapat-dapat. Kailangan, pasado sa standards."
Tumingin ako kay Mommy. Ngumiti siya sa akin.
"Pero, anak. Kailangan din nating tanggapin na walang taong perpekto. Lahat tayo nagkakamali at least once sa ating buhay. Ikaw, pati ako. Nakakagawa tayo ng mga maling bagay na nakakasakit sa iba. Kung gayon, ano pang standards ang pinag-uusapan natin kung nagkakamali naman tayong lahat?"
"Ano?" Tanong ko kay Mommy.
"Iyon ay ang choice ng isang tao na itama ang kanyang pagkakamili."
"Parang ang daling sabihin pero ang hirap maintindihan." Sinabi ko ito nang tono na hindi makapaniwala.
Lumapit sa akin si Mommy at in-embrace ako sa aking likod. Sinandal ko ang aking ulo sa kanyang bisig.
"Anak," panimula ni Mommy. "Hindi naiintindihan ng isip ang nararamdaman ng puso dahil may mga dahilan ang puso na kailanma'y hindi nito maiintindihan. Wala nang iba pang paliwanag ang siyensya o si Kuya Kim kung bakit natin nagagawang tanggapin ang mga taong sinaktan tayo. Maliban lang sa dahilan na nagmamahal tayo at mahal natin sila."
Tumahimik muna ako saglit bago ako nagsalita muli.
"Mommy, bibigyan ko po ba ng second chance si Erik?" To tell the truth, I really wanted to ask her that question.
Ngumiti lang ulit sa akin si Mommy saka akmang naglambing sa akin.
"Bakit sasagutin ang tanong na ikaw lang ang makakasagot?" Prangkang tanong pabalik sa akin ni Mommy.
Medyo nadismaya ako. Napaisip ulit ako sa sinabi ni Mommy about fear itself being a hindrance sa pagpapatuloy ng maraming love story. Naalala ko bigla ang pelikulang 'Starting Over Again' nina Piolo Pascual at Toni Gonzaga. Sa totoo lang, naniniwala akong dapat si Piolo at Toni talaga ang magkakatuluyan. Nga lang, hindi na rin nangyari iyon dahil na rin sa takot o pride ni Toni na hindi makipagkita kay Piolo until it was already too late. Ayun, it was her regret.
Sa gitna ng aking katahimikan, nagsalita muli si Mommy para sabihin sa akin:
"Anak, mahirap ang masaktan, pero mas mahirap ang manghinayang. Ang sugat, naghihilom. Ang panghihinayang, habang-buhay na pilat sa puso mo."
Napayuko ako after sabihin iyon ni Mommy. Unti-unti, naipon muli ang luha sa aking mata hanggang sa tumulo muli ito. Naramdaman ni Mommy ang aking pag-iyak kaya bigla niya akong niyakap. Hindi ko na napigilan at hinanap ko ang isang yakap mula sa aking ina. Kinailangan ko ng makakanlungan nang magulo kong isip, nang magulo kong nararamdaman. Dahil mukhang ayaw ko pa rin aminin sa aking sarili ng buo na mahal ko pa rin si Erik Dela Rosa.
"Piliin mo ang magpatawad, anak," payo sa akin ni Mommy. "Piliin mo ang magmahal. Huwag kang matakot magmahal at masaktan lalo na kung mahal mo siya. Mas magandang magmahal at masaktan ka kaysa piliin mo na lang huwag magmahal dahil natakot ka."
--- O ---
ERIK
I pulled out my luggage from the closet of my condo unit, put it on the bed, opened it. I went back to the closet and chose what clothes to bring. I just threw them in the luggage. I would be fixing them later when I got everything I needed.
In two days time, I would be leaving the country again for San Francisco, California. I had my ticket ready three weeks ago. Lola wanted to see me again, and this time, I obeyed her at the first instance. She gave a thought of me living with her in San Francisco for good and run the company from there. But, I was torn between agreeing with her suggestion and staying here in Manila to wait for Rose.
I stopped for a while and looked at the picture frame of Rose and I in Nuvali, which I put on my side table three months ago. The teary encounter we had in Quezon City Circle made me realize that I could not hurrily earn her forgiveness, especially if I was the root of the pain she continue to bear.
To prevent me from becoming melodramatic again, I went to the toilet to collect my personal necessities. Suddenly, the doorbell rang. I stopped what I was doing and went to the door. I looked at the peephole to check who was outside. I let out a small smile before I opened the door.
"What brings you all here?" I asked Raymond, RX, Johnny and Gary who were all standing outside the door.
"We're here to help you pack," Gary said in response.
"Alam namin na kailangan mo ng tulong," Raymond said in jest. "Baka mamaya kasi mali-mali pa rin ang mga dadalhin mo."
"Loko-loko talaga kayo," I said to them as we laughed at what Raymond said. "Come in."
They all entered my condo unit. As usual, it was only Gary and Raymond who would help me fix my luggage. RX and Johnny were simply here to join us and do their stuffs like watching movies in my LED TV while they wait for us to finish.
When I entered my room, I found Raymond and Gary already fixing my clothes in the luggage. I smiled at the sight because they really were helping me prepare for my departure.
I went back inside the toilet again to collect my personal necessities. In the middle of nowhere, Raymond asked me: "Nagkita na ba kayo ni Rose?"
I was surprised by the question that it made me drop my toothbrush in the toilet bowl. "SHIT!" I shouted.
"What happened, bro?" Gary asked me as he showed up in the toilet.
I did not reply but he saw that I was looking at my toothbrush swimming inside the toilet bowl. He looked at me and gave out a twisted smile.
"Looks like you've got a jinx in hearing her name," Gary said to me.
"Shut up, paps!" I simply said to him and went out of the toilet. "I'll just buy a toothbrush in the airport."
I dropped all my personal necessities in the bed and got my small multi-purpose bag so that I can put them inside it. I saw Raymond looking at me while folding my clothes.
"You didn't answer my question, papi," Raymond said to me.
I looked at him and sighed. Do I really need to answer your question, Raymond?
"Yes, we met already," I said to him rather dejected.
"And?" Johnny asked suddenly. It turned out that Johnny and RX were already peeking by the door of my room. They might have heard Raymond's question.
I hesitated. I didn't want to share our story because it would only pain me to tell them. But because they were my friends, I felt the need to tell them anyway. I sighed again (which was becoming frequent) before I told them everything what transpired from Tita Nang's birthday up to our encounter in Quezon City Circle. I did this while fixing my necessities inside my small multi-purpose bag.
After telling them the story, there was silence in the room. Intrigued, I looked at them and saw that they all stopped what they were doing and were simply looking at me in mixed reactions.
"Yun na yun, paps?" RX asked curiously.
"Yes," I answered him.
"Hindi mo hinabol?" Johnny asked rather worried.
"No."
They all went silent after that. I kept myself busy in putting my small multi-purpose bag inside my luggage which I was having a hard time putting it in. I looked at them. They were still staring at me with much concern now. I knew then that they were trying to help me sort things out with Rose.
"Guys, I appreciate what you are doing for me," I said to them. "I really don't know how I can thank you. But you cannot help me with my love life."
Gary simply nodded. Of course, he wouldn't want another argument on this matter, I thought. I knew he would understand me this time.
"Bro," Gary continued. "I hope that you and Rose can still fix your relationship. You know, patch things up and make things right. Para wala kayong excess baggage."
I smiled at Gary and went to him. I patted him by the shoulder. "Maybe time will heal the wounds, paps."
Gary shook his head while smiling and looked at me.
"Time does not heal wounds. People do." Gary said and heaved a sigh. "But whatever your decision is, remember that we are here to support you."
"Yeah, that's what friends are for, ika nga ni Tita Diana Ross," Raymond said.
"Diana Ross?" RX asked, somewhat irritated. The song's his favorite song. "It was Dionne Warwick who sang the song with Stevie Wonder, Gladys Knight and Sir Elton John."
"Kahit sino pa ang kumanta niyan, ang mahalaga we are here for Erik," Johnny said to all of us.
We went frolicking and gave in a group hug.
"Are we really doing this, guys?" Gary asked us. "So gayshit, pare!" We all laughed again at what he said.
After that short frolic, we all went back to what we were doing. RX and Johnny went back to the living room to watch a certain Filipino movie. I could hear the lines being thrown by the characters. Suddenly, I remembered the title of the movie they were watching. I went out of my room to confirm my guess. As I expected, the movie was starred by Bea Alonzo, Dingdong Dantes and Enrique Gil. It was without a doubt, "She's The One".
"May na-friendzone ba sa inyong dalawa?" I asked RX and Johnny. Of course, I knew who between them was possibly friend-zoned. Of course, RX still had Irene as his girlfriend.
"Oo na," Johnny replied, guilty as charged. "Ako na ang na-friendzone."
I let our a small laugh at his reply. Then, I turned my attention to the movie they were watching. It was already the scene where Enrique Gil was making this "Girl in the Rain" monologue which turned out to be a video uploaded in YouTube.
"Erik, do you know that Star Cinema will hold a story conference about that KathNiel movie based on the story wrote by Rose?" Gary asked me from my room.
My eyes were still fixated at the scene of Enrique Gil but I answered Gary nonetheless. "Really? How did you know?"
"Rachel and Lenny told us the other day," Gary replied. "I thought Rose might have mentioned it to you."
As soon as Enrique Gil's scene ended, an idea sprouted on my mind. It was suddenly devising a plan. This plan may save my relationship with Rose. This could earn me her forgiveness to start over again. At least, before I leave for San Francisco. I just hoped that it would change her mind before it's too late.