?This is a story based on true events about someone who is on their journey to recovery from mental illness. Their questioning of gender and sexuality. Going through relationships and break ups. Just an all about coming of age story of a person that...
Last night was so bad, one of the worst nights I've had in a long time. The plan was that I would travel down to my home town to do the last of my christmas shopping, see my sister and get the money she owed me, meet up with an old friend and then kill myself. However after my friend cancelled on me I ended up watching a film till it was dark. I couldn't do it while it was still daylight because it would be too busy. After the film finished I walked around the town trying to find somewhere high enough to jump from, but nothing was a height that would definitely kill me and not just leave me injured. I went to a bridge that I thought was higher then it actually was and when I realised it wasn't high enough I sat in the path trying to work out where I could go.
By pure chance and ambulance drove past, saw me and stopped. They managed to convince me to get into the ambulance and go to A&E. I thought that it was a sign for good things to come, I was very wrong. I waited to see the Mental Health Team in the local hospital for four hours. I don't really know why I waited, I should of just left. I was still very vulnerable and suicidal so I thought maybe they could help. When the women from the team came to see me you could tell she didn't want to be there. She rolled her eyes and sighed, her tone of voice was very agressive, condescending and defensive. She kept saying that if I don't tell her why I'm suicidal no one could help me, but I honestly don't know what the cause of my suicidal thoughts are. I feel like I've talked to my counsellor about everything and I still want to kill myself. She insisted that I did know and wasn't telling her, so I walked out.
I still really wanted to kill myself, or just hurt myself to spite her. I walked half an hour to the shopping centre and spent the next two hours crying in the cold under an underpass. I had missed the last train back home, there were no buses and I had no money for a taxi. I ended up ringing my sister and getting my Step Father to pick me. I really didn't want to have to go back to my parents house but I was so tired, cold and fed up that I didn't have much of a choice. At least they drove me home the next day and paid for my shopping. I just told them I had gone out with a friend and I was meant to stay with them but they ditched me.
I still want to kill myself but it's Sunday night and I'm exhausted. I'll wait and try again next Saturday. This time I'm gonna hang myself.
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