My Journey To Normality (Part 2)

This week I've met with the Crisis team twice and I was meant to meet with them again today, but I didn't go. Friday I started feeling very depressed and didn't want to leave the flat unless I had too. Instead of going to see the Crisis team I've spent the day crying, eating ice cream and trying to calm down the rapidly changing emotions. I'm just feeling very emotionally vunerable at the moment and it might be for a number of reasons.

One of the reasons might be the fact that I was recently an impatient at a psychiatric hospital. When you go to hospital for mental health reasons you end up having to tell numerous people about what ended you up there in the first place. When I was recalling a lot of my past to doctors and whoever I had to be very desensitised to everything to get through it without breaking down, now everything has been brought back up it has kinda overwhelmed me. A lot of thoughts and feelings I haven't felt in a while have come back to the surface and I need to deal with them all over again. Maybe it's also because I've been meeting with the Crisis team and they have been helping me see that I could have a future and that scares me, things are starting to go well and that never ends well for me. So maybe I'm making myself feel depressed because that's how I think I'm meant to feel, that's what I know. Another reason might be the fact that this is the first week in a long time that I haven't planned my suicide. Instead of only looking a week into my future and seeing death I've been looking further. I know that seems like a good thing and it is but planning my suicide was my coping mechanism. Now I'm left with all the thoughts, feelings and urges but no coping mechanism to deal with them.

I feel like I can't cope and I'm trying to challenge that negative thought process. Today I've been thinking a lot about my Mother, about how everything was always about her. It didn't matter how I felt, she would always let me know she had it worse. She was sadder then me, in more pain then I was and had a tougher life then I did. It makes me feel worthless and guilty and selfish for feeling that way. The first thoughts that pop into my head are "I hate myself" and "I hate my life" ;however I'm trying to change that. One of the people from the Crisis team made me realise that I'm letting my past, or memories from my past control me. I'm gonna try and replace those thoughts with things like "I can do this" and "I will not be controlled by memories". That might sound silly to some and it's not much, but it's a start. If I can't end it all then I'm gonna keep surviving. I've got to remind myself that I'm not always gonna feel like this, not every day is gonna be as bad as today. I've got to keep telling myself that it will get better. It has to get better. I really hope it does get better. I need to pick myself up and do something because it's not gonna get better by its self.

I CAN DO THIS!