My Journey To Normality (Part 2)

So Wednesday I tried to hang myself but failed miserably and police took me to A&E. I told them going to A&E wouldn't achieve anything but they didn't care. I met with someone from the crisis team and they did nothing so I walked out. I walked straight to the train station and got on the earliest to my old town because I fully intended to kill my parents. However when I got to the house I found out that they were leaving to go on holiday, so I couldn't kill them. Instead, when they left I searched the whole house for as many pills as I could. I waited around all day for my sister in law to message me and then when she was free I went to visit her and my new baby niece.

When I got back to my parents house I took all the pills I had found. I should of taken them when I got home but I wasn't thinking because I tried to walk to the train station and collapsed in front of it. I don't remember what happened next but apparently an ambulance was called and I was rushed to hospital. I woke up in critical care on a ventilator to help me breathe. The pills I had taken made me forget, hallucinate, hear things and unable to speak. It wasn't a very nice experience and in the end I ended up in the place I didn't want to be.

The general hospital in my old town have the worst mental health team and unfortunately they came to see me yesterday. They made me cry and feel horrible about myself. Attempting suicide isn't about not wanting help, it's about not thinking anything can help and that you don't deserve help. Telling someone suicidal that they are selfish helps no one, it just makes them feel worse and even less hopeful. They didn't give me much of a choice, either I get sectioned or I go into hospital informally. Of course I agreed to go informally as long as it wasn't the hospital I was admitted to a year ago. They kept trying to get me to go there but I refused and after waiting all day I decided to make a run for it and go home.

I got as far as the train station before police picked me up and put me under a 136 section again. They took me to the one place I said I didn't want to go to. This town and everything in it is a massive trigger for me. All I want is to go home, but now I'm back in the hospital I was in a year ago waiting to be assessed again.

Hopefully this assessment will go well, I have no plans to try and kill myself and I think I've scared myself out of it. I think I'm finally ready to give life a go. One of the cops that picked me up today said that a lot can change in a year. She was right, the only person that has been holding me back is me. I have to give myself a chance if I want anything to change. I have things in my life that I enjoy: my job, my Instagram, my writing and photography. This time next year things will be different. I'm actually gonna try this time, as hard as it may be I'm gonna try and live my life to the best it can be.