My Journey To Normality (Part 2)

I wonder how many friends I will lose this year, how many people will decide I'm not worth it. No one in my life now was in my life a year ago, I doubt they'll be in my life a year from now.

I know that I'm part of the reason why all my relationships fail, probably the whole reason in most cases. I really don't know how I can change that though. Nearly everyone in my life has hurt, abused or abandoned me that it's what I've come to expect of any relationship. The least I expect is that we'll slowly stop talking and drift apart till we're nothing but strangers to eachother.

I can't trust other people to treat me right, or be there for me and I can't trust myself to pick out people that are good, or even risk finding out. Every time a relationship fails it reinforces that distrust, which keeps getting bigger that no relationship can ever survive it.

Still I try though. I try to be there for everyone when they need me because I hope that someone will do the same back. However if someone is there for me I don't know if it's genuine, so I push them away and they don't fight it. They're fine with me not being in their lives and I'm left alone with all these problems and no one to talk to. They're might be people I could talk to, but my problems seem so small that I don't want to waste others time with them. So I deal with them by myself.

Unstable relationships are a symptom of BPD. My whole mental illness was caused and triggered by unstable relationships. I try and explain that to people and they still don't understand why we fight, drift apart or just end up breaking up the relationship. They tell me it's my fault and I guess it is, but I don't know how to change that. I have no idea what a stable, healthy, strong relationship looks like. All I know is being in bad relationships and people don't understand that that's the foundation I have to work off. I understand that from their perspective I'm being toxic and sabotaging the relationship but they don't really take the time to see it from my perspective. I don't mean to do these things on purpose, but if you're not gonna help me work out a better way to deal with relationships then you can't keep blaming me when things go wrong again and again.

A lot of the times these entries are talking about certain people and sometimes I hope that they read them. I would love just one of them to actually fight for us, but I know better then that.