My Journey To Normality (Part 2)

I keep having this recurring daydream. I thought I was over all the abuse I've faced, but this dream may mean I'm not. Also these daydreams seem so real, sometimes I think it's actually happening and get very freaked out. Maybe the dreams have nothing to do with what happened New Year's 2017, maybe it's just me expecting bad things to happen to me. I have other recurring daydreams about being attacked and I've just put it down to me thinking the worst. This one daydream is very prominent and I want to get rid of it though.

It starts off with me trying to kill myself again and the police turning up to stop me. Then my phone rings and it's my Sister, she's scared and frightened. She tells me that my parents have come home from the pub drunk and fighting, this time though my Step Father is getting violent. He attacks my Mother and kills her, she always ends up dead and I don't care. I tell my Sister to hide in my parents room, barricade the door and hide in the wardrobe. For some reason she won't call the police and this is where the story can change slightly. Either I tell the police that are with me and they send people over to the house to arrest my Step Father and I get me sister out or they don't send police and I go to the house myself. If it's the scenario where I get to the house alone what happens is my Step Father attacks me, there's a struggle but in the end I kill him. Sometimes the location is my flat and not the house but the script of the daydream never changes.

I've thought about going to the police about my Step Father but I don't think anything will become of it. Half the times he was drunk and doesn't remember it and I'm scared if he finds out that will trigger him to get violent. Plus the New Year's insident happened after I'd overdosed and people keep telling me he was trying to help, even though that's ridiculous. Also I keep thinking I'm making a bigger deal out of it then I should. It's not like they'll send him to jail for it so what would telling the police actually achieve?

The only way I can see where I can keep myself Sister safe is if I die. I have to kill myself. I need to kill myself. It doesn't matter if I want to live or can keep surviving and recover, because it's not about me. I need to sacrifice myself for my Sister. She's my next of kin so she can use the money I've saved to move out. If needs be I pay six months rent up front for my flat so she can stay here till the money runs out. I wake up everyday scared, not for me but for her. I know that I had to move out because if I had stayed either myself or my parents would of killed me. Maybe I am overreacting, they only ever hurt me so maybe they won't hurt her. However they've started. My Sister was telling me how they're trying to make her pay silly amounts of money to stay in her home or they'll kick her out. That's how it started with me, but my sister isn't as emotionally unstable as me and isn't suicidal so it might turn out differently for her. I just don't think I can take that chance, I need her to be safe.

I need to end my life so my sister can have a better one.