My Journey To Normality (Part 2)

Those recurring dreams are back, they're slightly different though. Before, in the dreams, I would protect my sister before he killed her. This time he kills her. They feel so real, I always get so angry at myself and everyone else for not saving her. It feels like I've actually lost her and I have to remind myself that it's just a dream.

Only one more week till I have my appointment about starting my treatment, I really hope I can start soon. I really need help right now, I'm struggling to hold on, a week seems a lifetime away.

I can't seem to get death out of my mind. If I'm not having the dreams about my sister being murdered I'm thinking about killing myself or someone else. Normally I picture myself killing my Step Father, slicing his throat open. It sounds crazy but seeing that in my mind makes me feel relieved and joyous. I can almost feel the warm, sticky blood dripping down his neck onto my fingers. I can almost smell the metallic scent of blood and hear the spluttering of his final few breaths before the life fades from his eyes. Am I crazy for enjoying that imagery and wanting to do it in real life, wanting to experience that first hand rather than in my head?

Sometimes I scare myself with what I think I'm capable of if given the chance.