The Heartbreak Factor - Part Four

As George wheeled me out of the hospital, everything about the world seemed so gloomy. Even though there was the sunshine beaming down on us, which was surprisingly strange for a normal November afternoon, the world seemed dull. I hadn’t said a world to anybody since the doctor told us the news last night. Doctors kept me in hospital overnight just in case something else happened but after I had a scan, they discharged me. All the way throughout the scan, I refused to look at the baby. How could I look at the screen when there should have been two babies in there, not just one? The midwife asked if I wanted to know the sex of our baby, but I didn’t want to know. I would have been focusing on the one we lost, not the one we still had. George kept telling me that I needed to keep strong for Katy and the baby we still have but I couldn’t find the strength to smile, let alone keep strong. 

“Do you want to sit in the front or in the back?” George asked as we reached the car. “You’d probably be more comfier in the back so you can recline the seat.” 

I shrugged my shoulders. I didn’t care. What little pain and discomfort I was going through physically right now was nothing in comparison to what pain I was feeling emotionally and mentally. 

“We’ll get you in the back,” George smiled, trying to stay as supportive as possible - something which was hard considering I was useless. “Let’s get home and get straight to bed.” 

At least George knew exactly what I wanted. All I wanted to do right now was climb into bed and cry myself to sleep. I knew after the first miscarriage that self-loathing was not the way to deal with things like this but all I wanted to do was cry and cry and cry. Crying wouldn’t solve anything but it made me feel a bit better for a while.

*

Turning off the engine, George looked over his shoulder at me and gave me a helpless half-hearted smile. I could see it in his face that the last thing he wanted to do right now was smile but he was smiling for my sake. I could tell he felt the same way I did but he didn’t want to show it. 

George helped me out of the car, making sure I didn’t hurt myself as the stitches were still healing from yesterday’s operation. 

“Go upstairs and I’ll be up in a minute,” George instructed the second we walked into the house through the front door. 

Clambering up the stairs, using the banister to heave myself up, I listened out for the sound of any movement in the house. Walking into my bedroom, I was stopped by mum calling my name from the opposite side of the hallway. 

“Sammy,” she paused as I turned around. “We’re so sorry.”

I shrugged my shoulders as I looked back at them without any sign of emotion on my face. 

“Come here,” mum sobbed, rushing across to me and carefully wrapping her arms around me. “I’m so sorry.”

“You have nothing to be sorry for,” I replied, refusing to show any emotion at all. “It’s just one of those things.”

“Mummy!” Katy grinned as she ran out of her bedroom, heading straight towards me. 

“No,” mum paused, grabbing Katy before she had chance to run straight into me. 

“Why?” Katy asked, looking confused. “Mummy, why won’t you hug me?”

“I will,” I said, breaking a false smile for her benefit. “Mummy’s just tired. I’ll come read you a story in a minute. Why don’t you get granddad to tuck you into bed?” 

Reluctantly, Katy nodded and ran back over to her bedroom door where Michael was stood, waiting to tuck her into bed for me. 

“Thank-you for looking after her,” I said to mum.