The Heartbreak Factor - Part Four

I didn’t want to wake up from my dream, but I did. Well, it wasn’t even a dream - it was just darkness, but it felt better than being awake and having to deal with the darkness in reality. I lifted myself up to sit up in bed, propping my back up against the pillows and looked around the darkened room. George had slept the night on the sofa so he didn’t accidentally nudge me during the night and hurt me. Although I didn’t want him to ‘nurse’ me, I did miss him being beside me. I couldn’t face having him near me though right now. I needed to be by myself. 

The sound of rain was pelting down outside the window, hitting the glass faster and faster as the rain got heavier and heavier. I knew I was going to have to get out of bed soon and face the world outside the window but not for today. News would soon spread, probably just as fast as it did when we announced our double trouble pregnancy news. I wasn’t ready for facing the world just yet. I had to deal with something much more important. Katy. 

Shuffling out of the duvet, leaving it in a perfect heap in the middle of the bed, I grabbed George’s dressing gown - since I had to get rid of mine at the hospital due to it drenched in my blood - and put it on. I placed my hand on my bump for the first time since I got discharged from hospital. It felt the same as it did three days ago but I knew it wasn’t the same. The baby in there must have been so lonely since they lost their brother or sister. 

“It’s okay. We’ll give you twice as much love. I promise,” I whispered as I gently rubbed the bump in a circle formation with my hand. 

With my hand firmly on my baby bump, I made my way down the stairs and eventually made it into the lounge. 

“I didn’t think you’d be awake yet,” George yawned. 

“I couldn’t really sleep,” I replied. “I kept waking up during the night.”

“Same,” George sighed. “Well, I woke up once and couldn’t get back to sleep so I gave up. I’ve only had an hour sleep - if that.”

“You didn’t have to sleep on the sofa, you know. You could have slept in our bed,” I said.

“I know. It wasn’t that the sofa was uncomfortable. I just couldn’t sleep. Too much on my mind, I guess.”

“Same.”

“We need to tell Katy today.”

“I know.”

“How?” George asked. 

I shrugged my shoulders. “I don’t know. She won’t understand either way.”

“What about if we just tell her straight?” George suggested. “The baby died.”

“Don’t you think that’s a bit to the point and confusing for her?” I asked. “She is only two years old.”

“How else can we tell her that her baby brother or sister died then?” 

“I don’t know,” I groaned. “Why is it all up to me?”

“You’re her mother,” George paused.

“And you’re her father.”

“But you know how to deal with these things.”

“Why?” I asked. “Because I lost my dad at a young age so I’m obviously an expert in dealing with death at a young age?”

“I didn’t mean it like this,” George argued. “Forget it.”

“I wish I could, George. But I can’t. It’s only been two days and I can already feel myself losing touch with everything.”

“It’ll get better with time,” he replied, trying to reassure me. 

I shrugged it off. “I’ll tell her.” 

*

Cradling Katy in my arms, I rocked back and forth on the rocking chair in the nursery that George had began to prepare a few weeks ago for the babies. I told him it was too early to start doing anything like that but we were both so excited that I wasn’t in an position to stop him. Now, that excitement was just a distant memory. 

“Katy, I need to talk to you,” I sighed as I looked down at her giggling away in my arms. 

“Mummy!” Katy grinned.

“Sometimes bad things happen to good people,” I said, taking a brief pause as I looked at the pink and blue teddies that sat on the changing table in the far corner of the room. “And sometimes things happen and there isn’t anything we can do to stop them.”

Katy didn’t look like she was understanding any of it - she was, after all, too young, but nevertheless, she still listened to me. I knew George was stood outside the nursery, listening in, but I didn’t mind. It comforted me to know he was nearby. 

“I..” I paused. I didn’t know who to tell her. I thought I did but I didn’t. I remember back to when mum told me dad had died but I couldn’t tell her that - she was still too young to even understand what I was saying, let alone understand what I meant by ‘death’. I didn’t quite understand myself and I was twenty-one years older than her. 

“George, I can’t do it.”

Without any hesitation, George walked into the room. His eyes were red raw and puffy, as if he had just been crying, but I didn't point it out. Instead, he sat down on the floor beside me and put his hand on my knee, looking up at Katy as she bounced softly on my knee. 

“Katy, remember how you were going to have one brother and one sister,” George paused, getting straight to the point. 

Katy nodded. 

“One of the babies in mummy’s tummy fell asleep and the angels have taken them to heaven to be with grandpa and mummy’s granny and granddad,” he continued. 

Katy looked at us in confusion. 

“Asleep?” she asked. 

I nodded, fighting back the tears for the umpteenth time that day. I knew it didn’t make much difference to her. She didn’t understand. But she looked at us in confusion before turning back to her teddy. 

“Mr. Teddy wants ice cream!” Katy grinned, shaking her teddy in the air.