The Heartbreak Factor - Part Four

After having a heart-to-heart with mum over a latte and a muffin in her kitchen, I felt so much better about everything. She knew how I felt about everything - the miscarriage, the surviving twin, the pregnancy, the way I felt about George now, the way everything was back at home. We even had a discussion about normal things, like the weather and what was on television the night before. I didn’t watch the television the night before as I was too busy contending with the fact my marriage had broken down and the fact my two year old daughter was missing her daddy who had gone awol since he stormed out before I had chance to talk to him three days ago. 

“Well, what do you think?” mum asked, 

I shrugged my shoulders. “I don’t know. I just know it can’t go on like this.” 

“Then end it,” mum replied in a rather blunt tone. “You can’t go on like this. It’s not doing any of you any good.”

“I know. But isn’t it a bit pathetic?”

“What?” 

“Breaking up when we only got married eight months ago. We haven’t even had our first wedding anniversary yet and here I am, talking about breaking up with him. And we always seem to be on and off. What will people think? They already criticise me about how I’m apparently a bad mother. I can’t go back to being the one who can’t keep in a stable relationship too.”

“Bad mother?” mum looked at me in confusion and disbelief as she placed her coffee mug back down on the coaster that was laid on the table in front of where she was sitting. “Sammy. Wait a second. You do remember the person you used to be before this fame business?” 

I nodded. “Of course. I like to think I’m still that person, just more mature.”

“You are. But what happened to this whole not caring about what other people thought attitude you used to have? Remember that?” mum asked. “I remember that time during your second week at college and some girl made a comment about the fact you had worn the same dress twice in a week. What was your response when you told me later that night?” 

I sniggered. “I’m saving the money she spends on mediocre every day clothes to be able to afford a jaw-dropping dress for prom so I can take the Prom Queen title from her - and her boyfriend.”

Mum laughed. “Exactly. So don’t think about how other people will react to your decision. All that matters is that you, Katy and George are happy. If you’re not, you have to do something about it.”

I sighed. I knew mum was right and I knew I was pretty much defeated on the marriage front, but I still hated the fact I was admitting my marriage failed. 

*

My head was still all over the place as I drove back home but I had clarity on one thing - what I needed to do to save my marriage. I knew I’d been a right bitch over the last month since we lost the baby. But I did have every right to be after what I’d been through. But George didn’t deserve it. No matter how many times I tried to convince myself that I had every right to treat everyone like I did, each time I came to the conclusion that I had been in the wrong when it came to George. He tried to help me by suggesting things like therapy and all I did was throw it back in his face. 

Putting my indicator on to turn into the driveway of our house, I sighed at the realisation that the house was going to be empty since Katy was spending some time with Josh and Joel at the park. To my surprise, the drive wasn’t empty. 

“George..” I paused to myself as I saw his personalised number plate on the car that was parked in front of where I pulled mine up to. 

Getting out of the car, I shivered at how cold it was but part of me didn’t want to go inside the house. Even though I knew it would be all warm and toasty inside, I knew I would also have to face reality and talk to George - something I had been dreading since he stormed out three days ago. 

Reluctantly, I opened the front door and noticed George was sat on the stairs directly in front of the door, looking straight at me as if he was waiting for me. 

“Hey,” I smiled awkwardly. 

“You alright?” he asked. 

I nodded. “You?”

He nodded. “New coat?” 

I nodded. “Mum got it for me as an early Christmas present as she knew my actual coat wouldn’t fit me for much longer - well, it doesn’t fit me now anymore but yeah.. new coat.”

“It’s nice. It suits you.”

“It’s so soft. And it has pockets as well so I don’t have to go out with a bag now.” 

George smiled at me. The awkwardness in the room could have been cut with a knife - it was that tense. But it was obvious that neither of us wanted to get to the conversation we both knew we needed to have. 

Eventually, George broke the silence. “I need to talk to you.”

“And I need to talk to you.”

“So are we going to just stay in the hallway or shall we go into the lounge?” George chuckled, trying to break the icy atmosphere. 

“Lounge.”

I walked through the door first and then George followed me in. Sitting down on the sofa, I took my coat off and hung it over the arm of the sofa. I was doing everything I could possibly do to avoid saying anything more to George. I couldn’t tell him how I felt without hearing what he had to say first. The last thing I wanted to do was hurt him.

“I’m just going to say it,” George began, taking a deep breath before he continued. Ever since the last time we broke up, I’ve been telling myself that we can’t break up again and no matter what, I’ll fight for you. But I can’t fight for you when I have nothing there for me to fight for. I love you, Sammy. I love you more than anything in the whole entire world, but you make my life so difficult. Love isn’t supposed to hurt like this. It seems like all we’re doing is hurting each other and it can’t go on. I don’t want to hurt you.”

“I don’t want to hurt you either.”

“But I don’t see how this can carry on without us hurting each other,” George paused as he stood up from the armchair. 

“I think there’s only one way this can go.”

George turned to look at me. It was so obvious from the way he was looking at me that he knew what I was thinking - suggesting. It broke my heart but I knew it couldn’t go on like this and I really could not see it getting any better. 

“It doesn’t have to be permanent,” I proposed. “It might be what we need - space away from one another. But I know neither of us can go on like this anymore. It isn’t fair on me. It isn’t fair on you. It isn’t fair on Katy. It isn’t fair on our unborn baby.”

“You’re serious, aren’t you?” George questioned. 

I nodded. “I love you. I always will. But this isn’t working and by the sounds of what you’ve just said, you feel the same.”

“I do,” he confessed. 

“We won’t rush into anything. We’ll just take it slow. Maybe see how we feel apart and work from it that way.”

“You keep the house for now,” he smiled. 

“It’s typical, isn’t it?” I laughed awkwardly. “Breaking up and it’s the most civilised we’ve been to one another in six weeks.” 

“We’re not really breaking up though. Just a break from each other.” George gave me a half-hearted smile. “You know I love you, don’t you?” 

I nodded. “But we need this. A break.”

Before I knew what was happening, George shuffled across the sofa and wrapped his arm around me. Falling onto his chest, I sighed a sigh of relief. Even though we had both mutually decided to take a break from marriage, which wasn’t a great thing, I knew I was feeling much better about everything. I knew what I needed to do and that was something I hadn’t known in weeks. 

In George’s arms, I closed my eyes and smiled. 

“It’ll work out for the better,” he whispered, kissing my forehead. “I promise.”