The Heartbreak Factor - Part Four

Sitting on the sofa, cradling my baby bump as I flicked through the channels on the television without paying a blind bit of attention to what was showing, I heard a car pull up on our drive outside. Katy, who was toddling around the rug, playing with her dolls, looked up at me with a huge grin on her face. 

“Daddy!” she beamed. 

I smiled back slightly at her before leaving a channel on and trying to pay attention to it. It was impossible though. No matter how hard I focused on the screen, all my concentration was in the hallway as George unlocked the front door, walked in and put his bag on the bottom of the stairs. 

“Anybody in?” he called. 

“Daddy!” Katy screamed in glee as she ran straight into the hallway. 

“Hello gorgeous,” he laughed, picking her up and spinning her around in his arms, causing her to fill the house with a joyful giggle. “Have you been a good girl for mummy?”

Making his way into the lounge, George clasped eyes on me as I was slouched on the sofa, trying to watch the documentary on the television. 

“Yes!” she nodded. 

“Are you alright?” George asked, leaning over to kiss me but I shrugged him off. 

“I guess.”

“I know what, Katy,” he paused as he put Katy back down on the rug. “Why don’t you go and make a castle in your den? I’ll come in in a bit to help you. I just wanna talk to mummy for a few minutes and send a few emails but I’ll come help you.”

Katy nodded, bursting with enthusiasm before bolting off into the hallway, following George’s commands. 

“So what’s wrong with you?” George asked. “And don’t give me the ‘I’m fine’ lie because I know you’re  not. Tell me the truth.” 

“Just tired,” I replied bluntly. 

“Tired?” he questioned. “Go sleep then. I’ll look after Katy. You’ve had her for the last two days by yourself. I don’t mind. It’ll be nice to spend some time with her. Especially after everything we’ve all gone through. I feel like she’s been sidelined a bit.”

I shook my head. “I won’t sleep tonight if I sleep now.”

Sighing, George gave me one last glance. “Fine. I’m going to go send a few emails and then help Katy with her den. Give you a bit of time on your own as you evidently don’t want to talk about it to me.”

I didn’t reply. I didn’t move. My eyes were firmly fixed to the television screen in the corner of the room. I felt harsh acting like this way to George but I wasn’t in the mood to discuss my feelings with anybody, especially George. 

I followed the footsteps up the stairs and into the study with my ears as I looked at the doorway George was stood in just moments previous. I let out a little sigh before closing my eyes, resting my head against the back of the sofa. It was like everything in my life turning to shit as soon as I lost the baby. 

A few moments passed by. The whole house was filled with silence apart from the television playing away to itself and all of Katy’s toys crashing about in her playroom. Then the sound of footsteps could be heard coming from the study upstairs, down the stairs and stopped in the hallway as if they were outside the door to the lounge. 

“Sammy.”

“Yeah.”

Walking into the lounge, George looked at me as he had his laptop wide open in his arms. “Have you been reading these articles?” he asked. 

I wanted to shake my head but the evidence was pointing against me so I nodded. “Yeah. Only a few. I wanted to know what people were thinking.”

“Why?” he asked. “You know the majority of the stories are just lies or manipulating the facts anyway. It’s not going to help you feel better - just worse.”

“Because I thought that if I knew what other people were feeling, I’d be able to work out how I feel.” 

George looked at me before sitting down on the sofa beside me. “I’ve been thinking about it and I know you said ‘no’ at first but I really think it could help.” He paused for a few moments. “What about therapy?” 

“No.”

“It could be helpful to us both.”

“How can it be helpful, George?” I asked, standing up as I tried ever so hard not to burst out into tears at any moment. “How can talking about what happened and how we feel about it be helpful? We’ll have to relive it all again and again to some stranger.” 

“It can help us see how the other one feels,” George suggested. 

I shook my head. “But I know how you feel and you know how I feel. Lost. Hurt. Upset. Devastated. The list can go on but it won’t make any of it any better, will it?” 

George shrugged his shoulders. “I thought it might.”

“But it won’t. It might help you but it won’t help me. Nothing will help me apart from bringing the baby back but that’s obviously not going to happen, is it?” I asked.

He looked at me with sadness in his eyes. He didn’t reply to me. I don’t think he would know what to say to me if he did reply. His eye contact remained attached to mine for a few moments. Looking like he had absolutely given up on everything, he sighed before looking away. 

“George.” 

“What?” 

“I know you blame me again and don’t worry, I blame myself. I’m sorry.”

George shook his head as he walked over to me and put his arms around me, pulling me in for a much needed hug. “It’s not your fault.” 

I stayed silent. I still blamed myself. No amount of other people or medical professionals telling me that it wasn't my fault would convince me otherwise. You don’t just lose a baby. If I didn’t fall down the stairs, I would still have them both. If I stayed upstairs instead of going downstairs, I would still have them both. Things like these don’t ‘just happen’ and it isn’t just ‘one of those things’.