The Heartbreak Factor - Part Four

Looking out of the car window as the taxi drew closer to my destination, I sighed to myself. The rain that had seemed to begin the week before and hadn’t stopped since was trickling down the window. Each rain drop seemed like it was racing one another to the finishing line at the bottom of the window. I traced each one until the taxi pulled up beside my record label’s offices. 

After dashing across from the taxi to the entrance to the building, I greeted the receptionist who returned a smile to me. “Good morning, Sammy,” she paused. “I’m so sorry to hear about the baby.” 

“Thanks. Is Lisa ready for me yet?” I asked, moving swiftly over the subject. 

“Yeah. Go straight up.”

I nodded as the receptionist handed me a visitor’s pass. Putting the lanyard around my neck, I walked across the tiled floor towards the elevators, creating a clonking noise as my heels clapped along the tiles. Waiting in the elevator to arrive at the floor Lisa’s office was situated on, I looked at my reflection in the mirror on the back of the elevator’s shaft. 

“You look a mess, Sammy,” I groaned to myself, pulling down my cheeks slightly in the hope that it would make the bags that were under my eyes disappear - sadly, it didn’t work.

Arriving outside of Lisa’s office, I took a deep breath before knocking on the door. 

“Come in,” Lisa instantly called out. 

Before I had chance to open the door, it flung open and two arms embraced around me, pulling me into the room. 

“Sammy, I didn’t realise it was you until I glanced at my diary as I said ‘come in’,” she apologised, holding onto me ever so tightly. 

“It’s okay,” I laughed nervously. 

“Are you okay?” she asked. 

I shrugged. “I suppose so.”

Lisa could see straight through my false smile that I had painted across my face for today. “Come on, it’s me. You can tell me. I know when you’re hiding something.”

Reluctantly, I sat down on the sofa and looked at Lisa. “I’m just broken.”

“It’s understandable. Especially after everything that’s happened,” she sympathised. “How is George? Is he coping? I meant to pop around the other day to see you both and little Katy, see if there was anything I could do as I didn't get to see you much at the..” Lisa paused as she realised the only way she could finish the sentence was saying the word everyone feared to say to me. 

“It’s okay. You can say it,” I smiled. “The funeral.”

“Yeah,” she gulped in regret. 

“George is fine, I guess. Things are just so awkward with us now as nobody can say anything to us without fearing it would make us upset or something and we can’t deal with talking to one another without arguing.”

“How do you really want to feel about it all, Sammy?” Lisa asked, taking on the role of my own personal psychiatrist. 

I paused. I didn’t want to open up like this, especially when I wanted to come here to discuss the final touches to the album - my final album, but something inside me needed to let it all out. 

“It’s like I’m not allowed to feel sad,” I confessed. “George wants me to show emotion and the minute I do, he has to leave the house because he can’t deal with it. And he keeps acting like we should be talking about it to some therapist - a stranger who only knows us as a case, not as actual people - rather than dealing with it in our own way. I don’t heal by talking about things. I close up. I shut down. I deal with it my way. He just doesn’t seem to understand that, just like I don’t understand how therapy can help us. If talking would help, I’d do it within a heartbeat but how can it help? How can talking about how we lost our second baby without any warning help? How can talking about how one day I was planning on what colours to paint the nursery and the next I was lying in a hospital bed after giving birth to my dead child help? It won’t help anything. Nothing will.”

Lisa looked at me as she sat down beside me, listening to every word I was saying - something nobody seemed to do in the past three weeks. “You’re allowed to be sad, Sammy. What happened to you and George is devastating enough once, but you’ve been through it twice now.”

“I feel guilty and selfish but I loved the thought of having twins so much. I couldn’t wait to have them both on their play mats in the lounge, side by side, and watching them as they giggled at one another. I couldn’t wait to dress them both up in matching outfits until they were old enough to know better and refuse to let me dress them up. I couldn’t wait to decorate their nursery - half pink, half blue. I had seen the most amazing double cot online. I couldn’t wait to see them both go to school. The girl would have a brother to look after her and the boy would have a sister to protect from heartbreak and bitches. The girl would have a brother to annoy and tease and the boy would have a sister to fancy her friends when he was older.” I let out a little laugh, which soon turned into silence as I remembered none of it was going to happen now.

Tearing up, Lisa reached over her hand and placed it on top of mine.

“You know I’ve never managed to have any children of my own, which was probably a blessing in disguise as I wouldn’t have been able to be as half a good mum as you are to Katy, but I’ve always thought of you as a daughter figure to me. Ever since that first day during the X Factor tour when I met you and wanted to be your manager, I’ve looked at you like you were my own. I couldn’t have been more prouder of you, even if I tried. I’ve watched you grow up to be this amazing young woman. I’ve watched you get married. I’ve watched you have a daughter. I’ve watched you deal with the heartbreak of losing the first baby and I’ve watched you go through the loss of one of the twins. I would have done anything to take that pain away from you. I’m sure your mum is the exact same.”

I looked up at her through the tears that had filled up in my eyes. 

“I’ve seen you in the best of your life so far and I’ve seen you in some of the worst parts of your life so far. I guess what I’m trying to say is you’re stronger than you think, Sammy. It may not seem like it right now but you will get through this. You always do. And I’m gonna be right here beside you, getting you through it with the rest of your family and friends,” she smiled as tears streamed down her face. “You’re such a brave girl, Sammy.”

Looking straight into her eyes, I nodded. “I know I’ll get through it in the end but it hurts so much.”

Throwing her arms around me, Lisa pulled me in for a hug. As she cradled me, I sobbed into her arms. I had no barriers to stop me from crying my heart out. I let it all out. I needed to cry. I needed to sob. I had held my emotions in too long, trying to hide it all from George and everyone else that I was close to bursting point. Although it didn’t make any of it feel any better, it soothed me slightly, making me feel better in the short term.

“Lisa, I need to get back into the studio to release all this emotion. It’s how I dealt with everything last time.”

Reluctantly, Lisa nodded in agreement. I could tell she didn’t really approve of me going back to the studio after I’d said just months ago that this would be my final album, but she understood.