Next Big Recognition Contest

Comment Topic: Pace, it's important. Too slow and you lose the reader. Too fast and you may lose the details. Comment about the pace of the chapter. Too slow? Too fast? And how can it further be improved?

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Author #1: mokbook

Book Title: Cardinal Sky

Book Link: /story/45165721-cardinal-sky-wattys2015-justwriteit

Specified Chapter: Chapter 1

Summary Thus Far in Book: None

Author's Note: My aim for chap 1 is to give just enough backstory so that the reader doesn't feel too lost (or bored) while not sacrificing the pacing/ action. If you don't mind, some things I'd like you to think about while you read please: 1) Pacing- too slow, too fast, just right? 2) Your connection to the main character (is there enough info about her for you to connect)? 3) Any other suggestions you feel like passing on Thank you for taking the time to read. Hope you enjoy it :)

Moderator's Chapter Rating: PG

Genre: Science Fiction

Winning Comment: Your writing itself can't be faulted -truly beautiful expressions, and the story certainly reads like a classical scifi story. I've realized though that with a story like this -which promises to have great action- it is perhaps important to start with a rather fast pace. And I mean, a really fast pace. I absolutely love the first paragraph and how it reads, and especially your choice of words (the stuff on the moon was awesome), however, I think as a first paragraph it slows things a bit. It is my experience that people want to have an immediate encounter with a character that brings something with which they can identify or a character with an interesting point of view. Here is the great news, in my opinion, your chapter had all these attributes - good action, interesting and intriguing characters - I just would reorder the manner with which they are introduced to pick up the pace. For instance, I might start with a radical sentence like, "I sighed silently and nocked the arrow into place. It was never easy killing the babies." Now, if that was a first line, you can rest assured that I would definitely read the next sentence. In this case, the next sentence can then be, "I slid behind the trunk as I spotted them. Daniel would never take the shot, he could never kill the young ones..." I'm completely hooked at this point. Notice that at once, you have introduced an amazing predicament (to kill or not to kill the young ones) while introducing two interesting characters who seem to be living that predicament. And now you can tease your audience and wow them with your breath taking expressions by re-introducing that awesome first paragraph,

"We lived in a world where man was no longer the dominant species..."

and continue with that paragraph After re-wrtiting just the first paragraph, I'd skip/delete the ensuing paragraphs all the way back to the part where the MC is talking about how difficult it is to kill the fawn babies and continue the story from there. If you do this, you'd notice that you would have made the chapter, crisp and to the point. Moreover, the info in the paragraphs you skipped/deleted can always be gradually introduced later (in this chapter) but preferably slowly in other chapters. It did not seem like those info where critical for this specific chapter. For instance, dwelling on the liberator slows the pace a bit and, if I am not mistaken, the point of this chapter is to introduce the White Ship (and just how unique its success against the alien is).

So, the sooner we get to the White Ship, the more entertaining (BTW, when I read the chapter, I noticed, White was not capitalized in some sentences, but I am no grammatical genius). Remember, these are only suggestions and recommendations and you can definitely ignore all of it. ;D The writing itself, like I said, is beautiful and you are an AMAZING story teller. You've created a great world. I loved how you clearly illustrate that the white ship represented hope and a possible way to fight against the aliens, which makes one wonder just how powerful these aliens are, where they came from? how they defeated humans? etc. The way the chapter ended was perfect. Certainly a cliff hanger, as I am sure every one is now wondering who Cardinal/the pilot of the White Ship is and where they came from. - Medscifi