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Friday 27th - Friday 3rd

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Author #1: SleepingWaffles

Book Title: Grey Beanie

Specified Chapter: Chapter 1

Summary Thus Far in Book: N/A

Author's Note: Before I even think to begin, thank you to everyone behind NBR for this opportunity. When I got the message for the spotlight, I almost had a heart attack!

Anyway, I picked my first chapter because it deserves editing. I'll gladly accept any critique you can give me.

1♥ I purposely change the tenses, however not many people understand that because of my transitions. How can I improve the transitions and overall flow of the chapter?

2♥ I am an extremely young author. Do my descriptions seem childish and is it enough to keep you enticed?

3♥ What are your thoughts on Miranda and Christina? Tell me anything regarding your thoughts on them.

Thanks to all of you in advance for the time and effort you're going to take looking into my novel.

Genre: Teen Fiction

Rating: Pg-13 Trigger Warning: Bullying and persona loss.

Winning Comment:  Comment topic - The initial sentence was a great draw, and got to the point of the chapter, then we found out how young the MC is which compels one to read further.

1) How to improve flow- I wouldn't change tenses - I see why you might feel you need to, but it ends up confusing. Instead, stay in past tense throughout. You could use Italics to show past versus present, or add indicators in your language - I stood could be I had stood, I saw her that morning - I'd seen her that morning. Subtle language changes can cue the reader. Keep your character action/dialogue together where you can. I noticed a lot of one liners- maybe structure into paragraphs-varying the lengths of the paragraphs will help with flow. Cut extra words - for example -Now that she was gone -Now she was gone- and - moving his hand past my shoulder to my chin - moved his hand to my chin. Sometimes less is more, if the sentence means the same without a word then you can safely remove it.Watch the use of the same words in a sentence or paragraph - slamming is used twice in one, left used twice in the fourth from the bottom. These break the flow.

2)Language - actually this is quite well done overall, you've written some good stuff :) I almost think you've gone too far the other way, trying to use words which are not childish and therefore end up out of context. The sentence - The vivid feeling will be incessantly sketched in my mind - do you mean she will feel it over and over? Or do you mean that the feeling will forever be etched in her memory - as in it affected her deeply? The mom careening towards home makes me think weaving wildly all over the road - maybe because she had an accident or was drunk or perhaps you mean she was rushing home? We don't know yet as this is the first chapter...maybe you do mean careening?I reuse the same sweatshirt to school - this is awkward - I wore the same sweatshirt would be cleaner.