Next Big Recognition Contest

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Comment Topic:

Intrigue is defined as: Arousing the curiosity or interest of; fascinate. If you were to continue reading these books listed below, what has intrigued you enough to continue? Is it the Author's use of dialogue, the Author's use of descriptions, plot, setting or character buildup? Please be detailed. If you choose not to continue reading further, be frank (with diplomacy please) and explain why/how the author can entice you further.

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Author #1: Josh_vla

Book Title: The Tale of Melstone

Book Link: /story/44021048-the-tale-of-melstone

Specified Chapter: Chapter 4

Summary Thus Far in Book: While tension builds between two princes, a witch has been caught and arrested. In this chapter, she will come before the king for her long-awaited trial.

Author's Note: I want to know what I do well in my writing, what I need to improve, and how I can go about doing just that.

Chapter Rating: PG

Genre: Fantasy

Winning Comment: "Edits first () change or add <> delete: "But the crowd..." the second half of this is too wordy. Replace 'the opinion of the people' with 'their opinion' as 'the crowd' is already mentioned. "Exactly twelve trials..." this should be restructured. 'trials' is used 3x, too repetitive. "his throne, <all conversation ended and> the room (went) silent" cutting this gives it more impact, make it direct. Either "all (very) familiar" or just "all familiar" would read better. The King's speech is a bit repetitive with several words overused (law, kingdom, attempt) and usually back-to-back. "'held the chains' 'attached to the manacles' 'that bound the witches hands' 'behind her back'" too much straightforward, heavy description for one line and the is only half the sentence. Try interspersing these with movements or actions so it's not all at once and feels less forced. "Perhaps it was fear of the witch that the people had heard" a confusing line. Are they afraid because of what they've heard? If so, try "Perhaps it was fear from the stories they'd heard around" or something similar. "The higher class" sentence is too long. Try, "by her actions(.) Many of" "to know that <that>" works fine with one.

"One by one" a great opening line. It's dark, intriguing and easy to picture. Really pulled me in. Its not often you see kings shown as lineman, so Luther surprised me (in a good way). "character from someone else's nightmare had just stepped into their reality" great line! The witches explanation of magic, knowledge and how they're used is very compelling..."

"...Wow, she made a dramatic exit. Great description and vivid imagery for it. It seems that she got herself caught on purpose to find out if the king would heed her warning and let her help. Similar to in beauty and the beast when the witch made herself ugly to test the prince. I hardly blame Luther for not trusting her. She's an intriguing character, calculative, powerful, dramatic and definitely why I want to read on." - Tegan1311

Follow this Winner: Tegan1311

1st Runner Up: swiftiegirl1010

2nd Runner Up: cjbirch

Final Author's Note: Thank you so much to everyone who left a comment! I appreciate a all of the wonderful advice that I received!