Next Big Recognition Contest

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Comment Topic:

Flaws humanize a character.

Identify one Internal strength and one likely Internal weakness of the Protagonist.

- Internal can be defined as: An intrinsic characteristic trait, a form of inner conflict. For example, a character may seem beautiful, rich and sophisticated on the outside but on the inside (the internal conflict) she may be insecure and vulnerable.

This comment topic may require you to flip back a chapter or flip forward a chapter to properly answer it.

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Author #1: eprosper

Book Title: Exsanguination

Book Link: /story/45648242-exsanguination

Specified Chapter: Chapter 5

Summary Thus Far in Book: Sabilla "Bill" Vane led a pretty sad life until her entire family died in a car crash, leaving her free to become an orphaned cat caretaker in her great aunt's mansion. Florian Werther Bathory Byron, her unexpected house guest, is a vampire. And while he says he hasn't eaten anything with a face in half a century, his life story is tragic, his complexion is luminous (literally), and Bill is finding herself irresistibly drawn to him even as her charges begin to disappear at an alarming rate... Chapter 5 is where Florian shares his vampiric "origin story" with Bill.

Protagonist: Sabilla "Bill" Vane

Author's Note: Criticism would be really helpful, esp. pointing out places where it wasn't clear what was going on, or what characters were talking about, or where the narrative drags for you as a reader. Thank you very much for taking the time to read!

Chapter Rating: PG

Genre: Vampire

Winning Comment:

Edits first () change or add <> delete

The first sentence is a bit long winded. Might want to shorten to help readers gets into the chapter from the start. "We came (of course)" not sure you can use () in dialogue. Seems odd. "with (a) certain florid vein" "and laughed. "<Haha>. Right" redundant as you already said 'laughed'. "'natural sensitivity...' natural' world" repetitive, use synonym for one. "a sense of fellow feeling" reads oddly. Perhaps 'camaraderie' or 'kinship' instead. A few missing commas, but not a big deal. "commentary(. B)ut there was <just> something" I think it reads stronger this way. "dogs at (the) table" unless 'at table' is, in itself, a saying. "lost my nose" not sure what this means.

From Florian's description of himself 'by far the handsomest' and his banter w/ Bill about Anne Rice and a 'knock-out witch', this feels more like a comedy. Is it supposed to? Also, as I've read "Interview with a Vampire" and "The Vampire Lestat" I get these references and think that this feels very much like fan fiction as you make Florian very like Lestat. "Stop petting that..." this line made me chuckle.

You leave this at a great part which makes me question what Florian has in mind for Bill to do or 'help' him with. As for flaws, we don' get much movement from the MC. Whereas Florian shifts, gazes, holds a locket, scoots closer, etc, Bill only pushed a cat off her lap and shrugs. There's very little in terms of her thoughts. We don't really know how she 'feels' about his story. She makes snarky comments and doesn't take it seriously, but I don't really get why (may have been in the previous chapter though). -Tegen1311