Next Big Recognition Contest

Round 28

Second part:

70- I could be wrong, but I think this line should be, "with worry (than) before".

71- "the horses, (and) took slow(,) deep" this is needed to properly link the phrases, but I have to say this line is quite long. You might consider making the 'took slow' part its own sentence.

74- "rocked violently and (then) suddenly" or something similar to note the complete change here.

74, 75- "know 'that' they...'that' they were... 'That' something" this got repetitive for me. I'm guessing you were giving extra meaning to this, trying to push the tension with it, but it didn't quite work for me. I think cutting the third 'that' would help the tension considerably, just saying "Something was wrong."

78- "is happening<,> out there?" no need for the pause.

79- "patted her damp palms (on) her (trousers)" might read better as you don't really 'pat against' something, but 'on' it.

80- "Swallowing her fear<,> in an attempt" flows better without the pause. Also, "dug her (fingertips)" one word.

81- "to half(-)jump(,) half(-)stumble out" would read better. Also, "cobbled surface(,) a spark of" and "Blast!" (s)he cried out"

83- "sheath she had 'implanted'" this sounds surgical, though I know that's not what you mean. Perhaps it's just the way the line is ordered, but changing this to an easier synonym would help it read better, or say how it's attached to her trousers or belt perhaps. Also, "Gem had <only> used the dagger on several" doesn't work here.

85- "gradually (waning) into a" so it reads smoothly as one line.

86- "Relief (rushed) through her" would sound better than 'flushed' as that usually pertains to a 'blush' or 'heat'. Also, "her grip (on the) dagger" less repetitive.

92- "eyes were 'wide' open. They were 'wide', filled" repetitive. Perhaps cut the first 'wide'. Also, "surprise(,) Gem had (no) doubt" and "were a black blur <of nothing> as her head spun" might read stronger without.

93- "when a distinct scraping (sound made her freeze)" even having "scraping sound behind her made her freeze" might read ok too.

*Be forewarned, not in a foreboding way lol, that I have a lot of questions and comments. Just because I want to make sure I understand all that's going on :) So, please forgive the length.

Comments and Questions:

1, 4- "even in the crisp and breeze air" this indicates that she's outside. Yet, "she raced forward and bolted the door" means she's inside. I'm guessing since she was unloading things, the was right at the back of the building, and whatever room she's in now, the door leads directly outside, right? Just want to make sure I'm picturing this right.

5,8 It's said that Gem made sure her chest was "flattened to boyish proportions" and "what it would be like to wear skirts again" It goes on to say it's been years since she's worn girl's clothes. So, she's dressed like a boy. A question arises for me about this. Is she trying to pass as a boy for work, or is she a woman doing small male roles in the theater and always has to dress the part? I assume it's the first, that she's pretending to be a boy, but I don't know why. (Ah, William calls her 'James' later on)

I also don't know how she can pass for one. A flattened chest, I can see, but what about her hair or soft face (as women usually have)? Is her hair cut very short or always hidden beneath a cap? Some remark from her, early on here, about why she's here or exactly why she's doing this, even some very small hint, might be really helpful for readers. I see that the 'hat' bit doesn't come across until paragraph 48. I think it should come sooner, the mention of it at least.