Next Big Recognition Contest

Round 28

Comments and Questions continued:

9- I don't know much about the theater, especially from this time period, but I take it that the female roles were played by newer/lesser boys, as in the female roles weren't the best parts and given to whomever. So, "Mr. Parish was the only one who had successfully made the transition from female to male roles" means he rose in the theater ranks, yet? You might also want to put some small remark about 'the new guys' always starting out with female roles, because a lot of your readers might not know this is how things were done.

26- "They would realize she was female" this part I get, but "and eventually someone would recognize her, register that she was, in fact, a young Miss Hilpenny" what does this second part mean? As you say 'a' young Miss Hilpenny, it seems that this is a nickname or slang term for someone, like how people use 'Mary' from the bible. But if 'Miss Hilpenny' is in fact her name, I think 'the young Miss Hilpenny' would read better, but then again, we the reader have no idea who that is or why it's important. Adding something here would really help.

33- This line here about a handsome man being before her, yet all she can think of is food, it's very telling about the character, though I'm not sure what it says. Either she's more hungry for good food than men, which, if she hasn't had a decent meal or treat (as she's already stated), is certainly understandable.

33- An added question here that this brought up. However, she also mentions that she resists the urge to barf, which makes me think she doesn't like Will or even men in general, finding his attentions appalling.

But, previously she described how she felt around him, 16, "whenever he got too close her skin began to crawl and her stomach clenched, as if prepared to vomit" 'skin crawling' could just be goosebumps, as in nerves or anxiety, and a clenching stomach could be nerves/butterflies, especially as it then says 'as if' prepared to vomit, like she's not sure. So, is she attracted to him or not? Well, I can't know if even she MC doesn't know now can I?

40- "What the 'hell' does he want now?" I'm not sure a lady, even one pretending to be a boy on the outside, would say something so vulgar (well it was vulgar for those days anyway, lol). Just a thought.

41- "Are you absolutely certain, James?" for me, this question came again after too much description. I had actually forgotten the question and had to go back to check. Though that might be in part to doing these notes at the same time. Just something to go back and take a look at, especially if others mention it.

49- "work as a maid... No, one of the servants or mistresses might possibly remember her" If she found a position in London (which is a big city with a lot of people), and had been 'away' for 5 years, having gone off on her own as a child of 12, how would anyone recognize her now? Also, this line points to Hilpenny being her actual name and not some term.

Second Part:

64, 65 You repeat that she put all the clothing into her large canvas satchel, but there's no need for that.

68- "uneasy 'ache' in her chest lessen" and "unease gradually began to 'drip' back in" I don't see how an 'ache' can 'drip' back in. Perhaps another word to describe the 'ache' coming back would read better.

69- You often use '...' when it's not really needed and this is an example, "between trunks and leafless branches... Not an ounce" This aside though, your description of the park and the dark sky is wonderfully done. Love the 'ground appear like an endless river of shadow". It's such a great line as of course shadows move, like rippling water on a dark night.

70- "with a perturbed expression" here you could 'show' us a bit of this instead of just 'telling' so we can picture her face.

78- "The uncontrollable humming within her veins and the constant prickles of electricity across her skin" this is obviously some kind of foreshadowing. So, this is an odd sensation she's felt before, and it must mean something big which about to be shown to us soon (I assume). As a note, I'm reading "The Dark Days Club" right now which has a similar theme (somewhat). A young girl with this restless energy inside her which takes place in 1800's London.