Next Big Recognition Contest

Round 30

Alyanna using her magic in front of the vizier is brazen. Tells me about her personality.

What's the Empire of Wind and Salt? The Empire of Swords and Flowers is Shan. Is the Empire of Wind and Salt Menekar?

I'm assuming the lower caps on your italicised telepathic dialogues are an intentional device? Because I wasn't aware it would be grammatically correct. Let me know if I'm wrong, I'd be interested.

You left some periods off in "the false man. the so-chin-jeng" and "...they were hunted to oblivion" because you haven't done that previously, I assumed it's an omission. Otherwise, if it's another device that you wish to experiment with, I'd suggest to keep it consistently styled.

I got a bit lost at the para "It would dispose of these Shan hunters. She was sure they had brought some sorcery to recapture the Chosen, but they could not possibly be prepared for the genthyaki." Who were the Its? The previous para's ending spoke of the living darkness which Alyanna had animated and bound its soul to hers, is that the "It" you were referring to?

If so, why would they dispose of the Shan hunters? She's among the Shan hunters, why would she animate the living darkness to dispose of her own warriors? And what had the living darkness to do with the Chosen? She had just been narrating about the hunt for the genthyaki previously. No correlation between using the animated darkness for the Chosen.

I see. There are two groups of hunters at work here – the Shan, who are trailing the Chosen, and Alyanna's band, who trailed the genthyakis. I would recommend clearing that up. Use the "It" and "they" here for the readers. I had to scroll up to keep track of who and what the pronouns were referring to, esp since the first "It" referred to the genthyakis and the "they" referred to the Shan hunters.

I would recommend that the demon-child said "yes, mistress," before you had him fade into the gathering shadows. Keep the actions chronological because once he's faded into the gathering shadows, there shouldn't be a second "... and was gone."

Alyanna's naked body... previously, she spoke about having had claw marks left on her form from encounters with the genthyakis. I'd imagine those were one of many magical creatures she'd battled with and if they'd left claw marks, the others might have as well. This means I'd be expecting scars on her body. I'm not sure if u addressed this before. To keep the pretence of a concubine, she'd expect to be completely flawless in skin and body. Definitely no battle scars to give off a past of something other than a mere female pleasure thing. Did she use magic to hide her scars? Or did they not scar? I'm left wondering how she could not have been scarred. Had she dealt with them in the past with an unguent or magic?

I'm assuming you explained the snake's connection with her in previous chapters? I'm mentioning this because the leap from "A dark shape slithered..." to the fact that it was a snake was abrupt for me, as a reader.

Ok, end of the chapter. I'll address your questions now.

1. what did u think of the dialogue - was ea char distinct & was it interesting?

I must admit, the dialogues were strange for me and for a very unusual reason. This is probably one of the few, if not only, story I've read where the dialogues carved a distinct sense of two diff chars and yet neither had any voice for me. Usually, when I get a sense of a delineation, there'd be a voice too.

I'll address your question on Alyanna before going back to your other main char, Wen.

2. what did u think of Alyanna? Really want to create a unique villain, did I succeed? Is she intriguing as a char based on this snippet?

You write well. In fact, you write very well. In terms of the NBR question, your world description, ie environmental and creatures, are very vivid. As Alyanna was walking through the gardens I could actually hear the insect songs and feel a certain sense of humidity while she was going through the flora and fauna. The jungle scenes were rich and fantastically done. It made me homesick for my own jungley hometown.