Next Big Recognition Contest

Round 31

*Notice that much of this original paragraph has ideas/concepts that have already been repeated and are redundant. Also, notice the minimal action being describe here. For an action scene to work, the reader has got to have a sense of physical motion.

Okay, before I offer my possible revision here, let's have a quick review of what Jordan Rosenfeld says about action scenes: be in real time, quick, focus on physical movement, quick decisions/reactions, acts first/thinks later, fast/intense.

Possible revisions:

I gasp for breath, each step becoming more labored than the last. Glancing back at the raging fire, I shriek and run harder, arms failing everywhere. I plunge through the underbrush and scattered berry patches, feeling the branches and thorns dig into my legs and scratch my arms. I pull myself free of the thorns and press onward, despite the stinging pain.

The fiery woods crackle and snap behind me, and I breathe in smoke. "Run faster, run faster!" Then I'm halted, thrown backwards as if my leg is shackled. "Oh, no!

Thoughts on the revisions: When writing intense action scenes, notice that shorter sentence back-to-back can be very effective to establish a sort of rhythm for the reader. So, the more intense the action, the layering of short sentence can really pull off a strong impression on the reader. Go back to the main ideas for action writing given to us by Rosenfeld and see if this helps you make decisions on how to edit.

Also notice how much detail has been removed from the original paragraph to the possible revision paragraph. This kind of revision mirrors what Elanor ElanorMiller calls "killing your darlings." The focus here is to make the writing even more crisp and clear.

Hi Amber,

I'm back. I am going to describe "advanced editing" techniques that I use. I hope you don't mind, but I have written some of these definitions in other reviews I have done (one for NBR last year). Once I go through these concepts, I will then select a few paragraphs of your prologue to offer an example of these ideas.

Advanced Editing Overview:

When I write (either nonfiction or fiction), I usually characterize the process in a few steps. First, is drafting. Second, is reading/revising for general structure, coherence, pacing, and other story craft elements. Finally, I commit the manuscript to a grueling sentence-by-sentence, word-by-word critique. In this final process, I "tighten" the work, removing any redundant phrases or words (conceptual redundancy, word repetition, passive voices, etc.). When it comes to tightening, I imagine a moist piece of yarn, which has been held taut in a downward direction. If you pour a droplet of water on that yarn, it should in theory travel from the top part of the yawn to the lower part. The tighter the yarn, the easier the droplet glides down. In this metaphor, the droplet represents the reader and the yawn the manuscript. "Loose" writing can easily distract the reader.

Also, in this final part I employ a strategy to critique each of my word choices I refer to as the Psychology of the Reader. Basically, I ask "What does this word do for the reader? What mental image or process must the reader undergo by conceptualizing this word or phrase?"

Consider the difference in these two sentences:

Sentence 1: The wilderness extends outward into the clearing, growing by leaps and bounds.

Sentence 2: The wilderness thrusts outward into the clearing, yearning for freedom beyond this man-made boundary.

In sentence 2, the verb "thrusts" and the phrase "yearning for freedom" and the adjective "man-made" communicate very unique and intense imagery in the reader's mind as compared with sentence 1. When employing a Psychology of the Reader approach, I pay particular attention to the connotations and denotations of each word in each sentence.