Next Big Recognition Contest

Round 31

What I describe here is an advanced method for revision and re-writing that I only perform when I am confident that the work is complete and whole.

In addition to advanced editing strategies of tightening and a Psychology of the Reader Approach, here are a few other concepts that I use in my writing:

"Building tension"—A writer builds tension through careful verb selection and action sequencing.

"Slipping in context"—Using a well-placed adjective or verb to convey aspects of the setting, mood or background without having to actually describe it into the story.

"Never use a weaker verb when a strong verb will do"—Pretty self-explanatory.

Again, I hope you don't mind, but I am going to perform some of this critique on your paragraph 8 (starting with "Now feeling frantic"). Again, I only recommend using these techniques when the manuscript is complete and the writing is already solid and strong.

Sentences 1 &2: Now feeling even more frantic to get as far away as possible, I have a renewed sense of motivation to keep moving. I hurriedly reach down to my boot and manage to untie the knotted bow at the top thinking I might be able to slide my foot out and leave it if I can loosen the laces enough.

Thoughts on Tightening: First, notice the conceptual redundancy: "feeling more frantic" and "renewed sense of motivation" and "hurriedly." These words/phrases repeat the same concept over and over. When tightening, the key is to say the most with the least amount of words. So, each word must be powerfully chosen. See this version of the first two sentences now:

Tightened version: Feeling more frantic to get away, I reach down to my boot and manage to untie the knotted bow at the top thinking I might be able to slide my food out and leave it if I can loosen the lace enough.

Thoughts on word choice: Let's look at this more tightened version now and consider the psychology behind each word choice. The words "feeling more frantic" convey a heightened stress and also urgency for Wren. The phrase "reach down to my boot and manage to untie" doesn't seem to continue this frantic, urgent feeling. The verb "reach" and the action "reach down" seems like an everyday action. Also the words "thinking" and "might be able to slide" suggest some thoughtful deliberation happening here. These images in the psychology of the reader slow down the pace—the exact opposite of the idea of being frantic. [Go back to what Jordan Rosenfeld says about action sense: act first/think later].

Verbs make powerful sentences. When a person is frantic, she doesn't "reach down," she "grabs at her laces" and she doesn't "manage to untie," she "yanks." Each verb must be selected carefully to convey action, image, and impression in the reader's mind.

Possible revision:

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Feeling more frantic to get away, I grab at my laces and yank them lose.

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Notice now that focusing on the specific verb actually causes what was already a "tightened" revised sentence to an even more crisp and forceful sentence.

Sentences 3 & 4: Wrenching on the strings not caring if they snap with my heaving on them, I managed to relax them just a little. When I try tugging my legs again, this time my foot slides free of its wooden jail.

Thoughts on Tightening: Based on the former sentence, the idea of "wrenching on the strings" "with my heaving on them" has already been established in the prior sentence. So, you can forgo that part. Also, verb constructions like "managed to" can be removed as these extra words are not needed. You change remove the "try tugging" verb construction and simply write "I tug." Now, let's make that sentence 5 even more tighten by eliminating words you do not need to convey your idea. See the revision below.