Next Big Recognition Contest

Round 32

Winning Comment: Hello! Congrats on the spotlight! Humor is not my usual genre but I hope I can be helpful all the same. :D

1. Characterization

Evan and Katy are certainly very quirky. You've got some distinctive details for each of them, such as Katy talking loudly on the phone and Evan's pet lemon tree. It sets up a living situation that promises to be full of conflict.

Evan seems a little immature. Taking your roommate's phone when you've known her less than a day is ballsy, to say the least. Grilling inside just to be spiteful is childish and dangerous. There are certainly people out there who are like that. I just want to make it clear that, in this draft, I am in no way rooting for Evan and Katy to get together. I don't know if that's the goal, but at this juncture, I would feel disappointed if Katy ended up falling for Evan.

Though I'm not sure how I feel about Katy. I know it can be hard to break up with someone who doesn't want to let go, but I don't have any compassion for her predicament. It doesn't make me like her much when she complains mentally about being a terrible girlfriend to a guy who she admits does wonderful things for her. It's the way she thinks about it that bugs me. Objectively, River seems quite manipulative, but based on her reaction to him she seems helpless and a little spineless at the moment.

All in all, I'd feel closer to the characters if you spent more time on sensory details, especially during their long exchanges of dialogue. But more on that later.

This is only kinda-sorta characterization, but speaking as someone with lots of roommate experience, it's really weird that one of them would make it a rule that they want to be the one to cook, let alone both of them. Usually the ground rules with roommates who don't know each other are something like buy, cook, and eat your own food unless we agree to some other arrangement ahead of time. And if one decides to cook for both, it usually involves the other helping with expenses and/or cleaning up after or... something to balance it out. (Plus, when they're arguing over the rules and 'I'll follow yours if you follow mine,' neither of them ever mention that their rules actually contradict in that area so they CAN'T follow both.)

2. Humor

Things I found funny:

* Son of a car. It reminded me of 'Son of Coul' -- Thor talking to Phil Coulson in the Marvel movies.

* The Katy Perry bit was fairly amusing.

* Evan's vendetta against the monkey has its moments.

* The timing of Katy thinking about Brent making a better girlfriend and then Evan commenting along the same lines.

* Outside the horror of a roommate doing something so immature and potentially dangerous, it was kind of funny that Evan decided to charcoal grill inside.

* Evan's lemon tree named Alfredo was probably the highlight for me.

I think you missed some opportunities with Evan being half-naked at the beginning and moving around to cover her mouth and try to get the monkey. I know I personally would have been daring that towel to fall down.

Overall, I think there's good potential for humor here, but some of the kinks need to be worked out first to make it really come out.

3. Unique Flair

The pet lemon tree is a very unique bit for this story. As for things you could do to help add in unique characteristics...

Right now, if this is to be a romance, I think you're overplaying the characters' flaws and underplaying their similarities and strengths. Evan comes off as immature, and Katy's relationship with her current boyfriend just doesn't feel right. I think that if you worked on balancing these things, you could really help improve the unique quality of the relationship you're building between them.