Next Big Recognition Contest

Round 33

Finally, you can add in small gestures or actions (beats) to help communicate feelings. Katherine Cowley describes four beats that connect readers to their characters emotionally: internal physical sensations, external physical sensations, physical actions, and stating the emotion. I also liked her idea of using a mini-flashback. See her writing blog here: (see link in chapter)

Two other NBR reviewers picked up on aspects of your emotions here in this chapter.

JesseSprague observed the following:

Overall emotion- It actually felt pretty distant to me. Other than the start when Simone worries about their reactions (and even then I don't know what she is worried about) she seems to be on a very even keel and Michael never really reacts to anything either. The most I got from him was when he almost puked after being mesmerized and witnessing a murder. I don't know what emotional content you are going for, but if this chapter is supposed to be rife with it then I think you need to dig a little deeper.

Here, Jesse pinpoints parts of the scene where the reader is kept too distance from the main character. Remember: Thinking leads to emotions; emotions lead to actions. So, giving the reader some more of the internal thoughts of Simone could help make the writing more intimate and more emotional.

Ivy noted how you incorporated body language into the description. She wrote:

I can't be sure that this is what you were trying to convey, but in Simone's case her body language in particular (taking a moment to sit in the car before going in to face her husband, walking to the house without waiting for Raziel) reveals someone who is just about ready to take their life into their own hands – finally. Michael's body language, gestures etc suggest something a bit different (sitting at the table holding the coffee mug in both hands, crying, sniffling etc), shows someone who is struggling to come to terms with a new reality.

These refer to beats, or the expression of body language, gestures and/or actions in a scene. If you haven't seen Katherine Cowley's example of beats, please look through that now as I will refer to some of these in my suggested revisions.

Okay, let's go through some of your scene here and unpack where and how emotions can be heightened.

Original with Comments:

I entered the house through the kitchen door, and found Michael sitting at the table, hands around a cup of coffee. I sat down next to him. [Let's cross-reference her emotions here. Simone should feel nervous maybe a little scared. We need to show this. These verbs "entered," "found," and "sat" down are too distant to what she's feeling.] The moment he looked up at me, his eyes softened, and my fears were gone. [This transition occurs too quickly. We have no emotional build up.]

"Oh, God, Simone. What happened over there?" He asked. [This would be a nice place to offer some kind of expression or beat. I would go for tender here as well as concerned. It might be better to move his stroking of her hair up here.]

"I spoke like a real prophet. Charlton Heston on the mountaintop, you know?" [She sounds too nonchalant here. Let's see if we can make her tone a tad more serious.]

He reached out and stroked my white hair. "I'm terrified that this is killing you. You've been asked to do too much. It's not right. It's too dangerous." [I think you get more emotions here by having him say less.] His eyes swam with tears. [His eyes need to water first. I would like this to be both sad and tender.] He went back to studying his beverage. [Whoa! Too much distance here. Breaks the emotion.] I love you so much," he said. [If he loved her so much, why is he studying a coffee cup? See what I mean? Thinking to emotions, emotions to actions.]