Next Big Recognition Contest

Round 33

"I love you, too," I replied, wishing I had better words. These seemed far too common. I waited for him to say more. [Too much reliance on words here to show the emotions and love for each other.]

Revision Goals: Increase emotions, build in sadness, tenderness, and love. Use beats, thoughts, and stronger verbs.

Suggested revision:

I stood outside the kitchen door and took deep calming breaths. Michael sat at the table, hands around a mug of coffee. Could he ever forgive me? Finally, I opened the door and forced myself into the kitchen. He didn't even hear me enter. I swallowed and carefully sat in the chair next to him.

He looked up at me with soft eyes, and his brow creased. I lowered my head, letting my now white hair hide my face. Then I felt his fingers stroke my hair and his hand glide gently across my cheek. I shifted my eyes towards his and in that instance my fears were gone.

"What happened over there?" he whispered, drawing me close into his arms.

I just shook my head and half-chuckled. "I spoke like a real prophet, and now this." I lifted a strand of hair.

We sat in silence for a moment, as he held me. "You've been asked to do too much." His voice sounded strained. "It's not right. It's not right." His body trembled. "I love you so much." I felt the moisture of his tears against my skin.

"I love you, too." I wish had better words, but I could say nothing else.

Comments on the revision: I admit that this suggested revision might be a tad too emotional, but I wanted to show how the use of beats, internal dialogue, good verbs (for intimacy) can bring out the sadness, tenderness, and love in this scene.

Wait! There's more! For the low price of $0.00, we'll through in another example. Here goes:

Original with Comments:

"I love you, too," I replied, wishing I had better words. These seemed far too common. [The next sentence here signals a shift in the scene from the dialogue between the two of them towards Michael's recounting of the forest ritual/experience.] I waited for him to say more. It was obvious something had rattled him deeply [the reader doesn't see how it is obvious] and I was beginning to get the feeling that it had nothing to do with my experience. [What let her to that feeling?]

"Life has been a pretty wild ride lately, eh?" he began. [This statement seems to distract from the movement in the scene towards what's going on.]

"That's fair to say." [Same here.]

"So...I went to the woods today." [Now, this is getting to the heart of the matter. I would use beats to make this transition or shift in the scene more evident.]

Michael had always been a far more social person than me, but whenever he felt he was experiencing a lack of balance or he needed to seek wisdom or peace, he would go back to the woods where we had met so many years ago. [I would tighten this and move this to after he talks about the location. When Michael says he went to the woods, Simone should sense something troubles him about that.] He would walk among the towering, ancient trees that had somehow survived the invasion of men and take comfort and satisfaction from the feel of the good earth beneath his feet. It didn't surprise me that he'd left the boys with Mrs. Walczak and gone walking on this, of all, days. [She didn't know this before entering the house. That's a detail he needs to reveal and/or needs to be cut from the scene.]

"You know the spot, right? The fallen tree?"

I nodded. It was one of his favorite places to sit and rest.

Revision goals: Let's see Michael getting troubled. See if we can give a smoother shift in the scene that also accentuates his concerns.

Suggested Revisions: