Next Big Recognition Contest

Round 37

Beverly:

Stereotypical jerk/cheerleader sort. Enough said there! :)

Answering Your Questions (cont.):

3. Continuing On:

Sorry, but I really don't want to read on. It doesn't catch my interest at all. As I said earlier, I don't connect with your MC, and I don't understand her motives. I really don't know what the story's going to be about either, and as an introductory chapter, this just doesn't do it. It falls short of being horrible, which is good, but it falls very short of being interesting too... A big part of this is simply the fact that the MC is flat, and I'm not interested in sports. You can change the first one but not the other. So focus on fleshing out the MC and don't worry about the fact that this isn't my type of book. Plenty of readers who like the subject matter will enjoy it if you fix the flatness of your characters.

4. NBR's topic of the week:

Dialogue isn't too bad. It does, for the most part, serve a purpose, though at points it seems a little pointless... But the whole chapter failed to really set up the story line and characters, so the dialogue also tends to be aimless. Taking a look at dialogue on its own, however, it fits fine with the chapter and doesn't go off on long tangents for no reason. So I'd leave it mostly as is beyond some editing for grammar and wording.

Now... For everyone's favorite part of my type of critique. Grammar. (It's actually most people's worst nightmare from what I've gathered, but it is necessary, so here we go...)

"Who led her team to victory and (qualified) them to (play in) the championship game."

Suggested edit for wording.

"Streamers of all sorts of colors were parading over the olive green locker (comma) and many mini posters with soccer pictures of myself were plastered above it."

"Off the field, once it came to (the) actual school part, well (comma) that was an entirely different story."

Grammar continued:

"I heard the soft (clomps) of her wedges striking the vinyl floors (comma) and I spun on my heels to (watch) her strut down the hallway, her best friend tagging along like a lost puppy without a clue in the world."

"She looked menacing to some (no comma) with her tall figure, (long) flaming red hair, and (blue or green? Pick one...) eyes.

Just say long hair. The additional detail that it's at the middle of her back is unnecessary in this instance. Secondly, either she has mismatched eyes or she has either blue or green. If it's the first one, you need to make it more obvious.

"Wherever she (was), she always (seemed to have) a permanent glare on her face, even with her best friend."

A suggested edit for wording.

"She scores three goals (comma) and suddenly everyone loves her?"

"Just wait until she sees how my locker looks."

Italicize if this is internal thought. If it isn't, change the tense so that it matches with the rest of the chapter.

"(W-what) is this trash?" she stuttered, just as I (had) expected her to (delete act)."

You don't need three w's to make it clear that she's stuttering. You also shouldn't be using a question mark and an exclamation mark on top of each other. She's asking a question, so use just a question mark. What you have is acceptable for comic books and manga, but it is not acceptable punctuation for a novel.

"Beverly (halted) in front of my highly decorated locker, her wannabe friend crashing into her."

Delete "to a stop". It's unnecessary since that's exactly what halted means anyway.