Next Big Recognition Contest

Round 42

The Masked Thief: Chapter 1 Grammar:
"A covering for the face, (which is) worn as a disguise, (to amuse) (comma) or (to) frighten others."
"The thin, translucent material (molded) (to my face perfectly)."
"As (a) woman stepped onboard, I immediately zeroed in on her outfit (colon) a muted (comma) orange smart-silk tunic."
"She was (from?) the suburbs (no comma. In this case, a comma interrupts the flow and gives the sentence an almost defensive tone... It reads similarly to how this snippet does: "I just did what I was told, alright? You can't judge me for that!" Even though there's no question mark in yours, it still has a very similar annoyed or defensive feeling to it because of your comma placement.) alright."

"I watched her lips move (no comma) but heard no sounds coming (from) them."
"When I tilted my head, I could see the (barely noticeable) shimmer (from a soundproof cubicle divider in front of her face)."
Suggestions to improve wording and flow. Also, it isn't necessary to say almost invisible in the second half of the sentence. You mentioned that they're barely noticeable in the first half of the sentence, so that makes this redundant.
"I zeroed in on her mouth and jaw (comma) (my brow furrowing)."
"Perhaps she was conducting business behind (Ben's) — (I assumed he was her partner) — back."
"...and now the woman, an older man (comma) and two young girls (who were wearing) blinding yellow bodysuits were the only (ones) in this part of the maglev besides me."
I'm not entirely sure what a maglev is... Word isn't correcting the word, so I'm assuming it's both a real word and correctly spelled. However, I would suggest you define what she's riding just a tad better or else use a more common word that's equivalent to maglev. Otherwise, I think you'll probably end up confusing readers. This, of course, is just an opinion and is, therefore, entirely up to you.
"The atmosphere was (delete peacefully) tranquil as we all browsed and conversed in the privacy of our invisible carriages."
First of all, tranquil means more or less the same thing as peaceful. So don't use both. Tranquil is the stronger descriptor, so I deleted peaceful. That, however, is your choice. Secondly, browsed what? You never say, and therefore, it's confusing. Clarify this for your reader.
"Panels on the armrests retracted and emerged again with packages of food capsules, per OP scan, of course."
Why is it per Op scan, and why should it be assumed? We, as the readers, don't know enough about the world yet to just swallow this. We need to know a little more, and the of course that's added on makes it harder to just ignore this. If you cut that out, you could probably leave the sentence alone without adding anything, but otherwise, you'll need to briefly mention what the Op scan does and why it's used.
"I (delete quickly) sprang up from my seat, tucked my board under my arm (comma) and hurried towards the exit, scanning off as I went."
"The blue sky was almost completely obscured by clouds, and (comma) accompanied by the light breeze that drifted by, it was an average Chicago morning."
No kidding... Lol. Having seen Illinois weather, I know just how common this can be.
"I firmly placed the (delete completely) weightless bag that contained this cache on my back, watching as it morphed (to match) the (delete nude) grey (color) of my coat."
Unless her skin is grey, grey isn't nude for her or her world... So the two words don't go together...
"...and threw it (delete forcefully) onto the ground."
a) It's assumed that she's throwing it with some force.
b) If she's throwing it to the ground, then it's going to be down. There's no need to state that.
"...was unnaturally plain, especially in today's world (no comma) where board art was a form of expression that was immensely popular."
"If anything about me stood out, that could potentially compromise my identity."
If board art is so common and popular, wouldn't she stand out for having an unnaturally plain board in comparison to everyone else? I would wonder if I was used to seeing extravagant or outlandish styles everywhere and then saw one board that had hardly any design on it...
"Now, I had to (refrain) from taking (the bike out) as much as I (had) then."
"(Try Gotcha instead of Rightio. It's a little more natural and commonly used...) Mira."
"I (selected? She can't click on something if she doesn't have a remote or clicking device... If she's choosing stuff with her eyes or mind, it'd be a selection.) today's news articles and scanned (delete down) the list."
"A minister had been assassinated. (Hmm...)"
"Terrorism had been growing (steadily worse) over the past few months."
"The autopilot swiftly swerved to the right (comma) and if it weren't for the automatic adhesion on my board, I would have been catapulted onto the road."
"Turn it off (period) I'll have a look at it when I get home (period)" I sighed.
I sighed isn't a dialogue tag. Think about it: if you're sighing, you can't speak. You can say something breathily or huff afterwards and before, but you can't really do that while talking. Same goes for sighing.
Part 7:
Grammar (cont.)
"My only hope was that I would hold out long enough that the case would die down and (that) they would eventually forget about me (period) (Otherwise), I would have to find an alternative means of surviving."
Suggestions for flow and wording...
"While coasting through the city (comma) I (saw) a superficial socialite..."
"...lined with department stores, supermarkets (comma) and a large residential high-rise around the corner, so naturally it was quite busy."
"...squeaked on the polished white floor as I (wove) between the displays of clothing, hovering limply in their bods."
"Vintage mid-rise denim (no comma) but infused with smart-silk."
"...the train began to gain speed (comma) and I resorted to looking out the window."
"What would it be like to go to school (no comma) and not worry about how much food we needed (no comma) or how far behind the cops were?"
"I felt a slight stinging sensation (comma) (which) made my eyes water, and a quiet buzz, (delete and) then nothing."