Next Big Recognition Contest

Round 47

Next: Dazed, I heard her high-pitched voice rambling, speaking too quickly for me to understand. [Added hyphen between "high" and "pitched."]

Next: "Yes! Haha, I did it! In your face, Darcy! This is great—"OR: "Yes-ha-ha-I-did-it-in-your-face-Darcy-this-is-great—"Those mushed-together lines honestly just look like an error, and they're visually unpleasant. Plus, it could just be me, but I honestly find it annoying to have to decipher lines like that, even though I was able to understand it quickly. I'd really recommend going with option number one—punctuating it normally. I also changed that hyphen at the end to an em dash.]Next: We can't turn around; we're about to run out of gas. We need to get home and refuel. [Changed punctuation between clauses.]

Next: "You don't get it. We need to, we * have to—"* [Changed punctuation again. Divisions between clauses, and hyphen to dash.]

Next: So, which college are you going to, dear? [Added comma to set off "dear" since it's being used as a noun of direct address. Also, the way this question is phrases strikes me as being a bit strange. I would expect the mother and father to have had a significant conversation about this with their daughter, but the mother asks it almost as though she's out of the loop, and like it's a very casual decision. Now, I could potentially see her asking it like this if they'd already discussed things thoroughly and had narrowed her choices way down, perhaps to just two or so. In that case, then it would make sense for her to ask about it in that matter.]

Next: Why wouldn't she listen? [Tense issues again. Changed "won't" to "wouldn't." You can keep the present-tense verb—"won't"—if you change the whole sentence to an italicized thought.]Next: "Um, I dunno, but we shouldn't—" [Changed hyphen to dash.]

Next: My dad's deep timbre joined the strained conversation with gusto. [This sentence should most likely be grouped with the paragraph that immediately follows it.]"

Next: Darcy is going—" [Hyphen to dash.]Next: It was a one-lane highway in the woods—what was this man thinking? *Is he suicidal? Could this be—?* [Added hyphen between "one" and "lane." Because of the shift in tense, I would recommend italicizing the latter two sentences as thoughts. Also, the combo of an exclamation point and question mark together like that isn't really considered proper for formal writing, so you have to choose one or the other.]Next: But in that one split second, time slowed, and I could see...everything. [Changed capitalization.]Next: This was the scariest part of the whole ordeal...it made it real. [Couldnt keep comma, so used ellipsis instead. Also added the word "part," which seemed to be missing from the sentence.]

Next: I'd only seen him slightly close this when his grandma, who had raised him while his mother who'd drunk herself into oblivion, died of the flu. (Changed "I've" to "I'd." "I've" indicates that even up to the present day, as she's telling the story, she's only seen him like that once. Using "I had" indicates that this was the past situation, one which changed once they encountered the vampire. In other words, "Up until then, I HAD only seen him like that when...etc."Versus: "Up until now, (present day) I HAVE only seen him like that...etc."]Next: The car hit him—head on, full speed. [Replaced one of the commas with a dash.]Next: The sound was like a lightning crash, exploding my beloved world. [Changed "lightening" to "lightning." In modern usage, the two have different meanings, and the latter is the term referring to the meteorological event.]"

Next: In the next paragraph (after the lightning line), Darcy asks a series of questions. The questions feel a bit disorganized and random, and there seems to be more jumping around between her narrative of the story and her in-story thoughts. In particular, I'm wondering if "why us" is a quote of her in-story thoughts, in which case it should be italicized.Next: *I have no power...I never want to experience this again.* [If she's in the midst of despairing and feels devoid of will, as stated in the text, I don't think she'd simply think "I FEEL like I have no power." She'd probably think that she really doesn't have any power. "I am powerless" rather than just "I feel powerless."]