Next Big Recognition Contest

Round 55

I know you want to hook the 抖阴社区 audience by jumping straight into an action scene, but a good action scene needs somewhere to happen. Getting all the details in place before the action starts means that you can keep up the pace and intensity during the scene. I would like to have had some sort of idea how the kitchen was laid out. Not where the stove and the fridge were etc, because that doesn't impact the action scene. But where the door to the living room was compared to where people were sitting. What other exits there were and if they were open or closed.

Also, if you'd delivered the backstory scene before bringing me into the kitchen, I would have been able to keep the two story lines separate more easily.

Comment Topic: Picturing an entire scenery through a few sentences, isn't it amazing? Comment on the author's use of imagery to paint the picture in our heads.

You do this very well and it is a skill that pleases me. You picked out a few items, described them well and let everything else be implied. Unfortunately what was implied became inconsistent at times. Who owns a "sleek red Ferrari" then lets their "rusted gutters" spill a curtain of rain over their doorstep?

Question 1) The main character introduced in this chapter is a murderer. Does this make you feel like you wouldn't read on for lack of being able to connect with him?

For me, yes. I write horror, but don't read it because I don't like the genre. I also need to care about the central character to enjoy a story. So while I know he thinks he was abused, I'm not sure that he was and if so I'm not sure if it was anything like as severe or unjust as he perceives it. He made up lies about his teacher wanting to fellate him and copped a single blow to the cheek before being locked away. How bad did he have to behave to get more seriously beaten?

Question 2) Do you have any suggestions on how to display Victor's madness and multiple personality disorder better? Note that in this chapter his disorder is not meant to be mentioned, just hinted at.

"twelve years old, mad as a hatter" I saw no hint of madness until I was told about it directly by the narrator. This didn't work for me. Looking back, I agree that some of his decisions may not have been well thought out. But he is a twelve year old boy. That seemed in character and I had liked it.

After he kills his parents, you do a great job of showing how insane he is, his complete disconnection is obvious. Well done. In fact, you do such a great job of it, that you don't need to give anything away earlier.

"(Despite his rather cutesy appearance, he was stronger than your average deranged boy)" The next indication of madness was again explicitly stated. I didn't understand the use of the brackets because the narrator's voice is already strong.

As for multiple personalities, I didn't detect that, nor did I need to. That sort of thing can be revealed over a much longer time. Only once the reader has developed a clear picture of one personality, can you then reveal a second one in a believable, non telling, manner.

Question 3) This question is for anyone that decides to read past the cutoff point.

I stopped reading at the cutoff point.

Inconsistencies:

"lavish china plates and illustrious silverware. Even the expensive mahogany table ... sumptuously styled kitchen." I'm having trouble picturing this because it seems odd to have so much luxury, but no dining room. Maybe this would have made more sense if I'd already known we were in Prague.

If Victor is holding the axe handle with both hands, in what manner is it dragging along the floor? Is he bending over hard sideways to keep it beside his feet? If so, why not let go with one hand and drag it normally? Is he walking backwards and bending over like it's a heavy burden? This was hard to picture.