Next Big Recognition Contest

Round 66

Question #2: I want to know what parts of the story and my writing worked for you i.e. descriptions, setting, character introduction and what didn't work for you i.e. weird dialogue, too many tense changes, confusing sentences filled with commas etc. and how I could fix them as well (if they are fixable).

In-line Comment Preference: Welcomed

Genre: Fantasy

Rating: PG-13

Winning Comment: Hi there! I might be a little rusty after a couple of weeks of vacation, but hopefully you might be able to find this little review to be of help. Congratulations on your spotlight! :D

CT: By set-up, I'll take it to mean setting: the general make-up of the world your character is in, as well as her immediate surroundings. I'll start with the latter.

It's quite clear where she is: a forest, where she's hunting for food. Quite straightforward and immediately apparent--which is brilliant. Because sometimes it's easy to lose sight of the big picture while focusing too hard on tiny details. Which is what I do quite often. Lol. Anyway, you've outlined the main scene, which is nicely tied into your character's actions (the act of hunting a rabbit).

As for the general worldbuilding...you know from the first sentence that it's not a modern-day setting. Which is good, because you immediately let the reader know what kind of time-period the story is set in, and thus let the reader know what to expect. We also know that your character is poor, since she has to live off the land and support her family, and that she really does have a thing against the upper class. XD

However, the story could have easily been taken as a historical fiction or adventure novel--until the very end. Where you have your character wonder about her abilities. Which is the first inkling we get of possible magical attributes in your world.

I like that you've managed to introduce the major conflict here--the king, his tyranny, and your character's resentfulness. I would, however, caution against telling/info-dumping, although you didn't seem to have fallen into that trap here. It could disrupt the pace if you aren't careful about how you reveal information. But consider it only as a bit of advice for the future, because I don't feel as you have info-dumped here. :D

Q1: As someone who devours fantasy novels faster than I eat (and I eat pretty fast), I do have a general understanding of common fantasy tropes. Not that I consider myself a professional or anything. Far from it.

Anyhow, I digress.

The point being, I think you may have fallen into a slightly cliche scene: the hunter's scene. Quite a few novels with a genre similar to yours use a hunting scene to start the story. Think Eragon, Hunger Games, and a lot of 抖阴社区 novels.

However, I like the fact that you made her fail in the hunt. It's a nice change.

On the whole I thought the scene just a tad short--concise, to the point, but I would have enjoyed seeing a little more action. Because right now, the action in the chapter can be listed into three short points: she hunts and fails, she thinks about how she hates the king, someone comes to fetch her to take her to the king.

Those are good outlines, but expanding on them could make the chapter fuller, and richer. This is, of course, my personal opinion, as I prefer reading longer chapters with a higher content of action and description.

That being said, I think it's a good start, especially considering that we begin right where the fun stuff starts. I mean, you didn't start the story at a point where it's too far back, or too far forward; you started at exactly the right point.