Next Big Recognition Contest

Round 66

Book Title: Until The End

Specified Chapter: Chapter 3

Summary Thus Far in Book: In Germany 1934, the beloved president has died. Alisz and her family are thrown into the middle, taken by a Nazi army after a failed attempt to escape the country. Separated from her father and brother, Alisz finds courage she never knew she had. She even makes a new friend among the dark. Is this courage enough to save her?

Author's Note: This is my very first time in the spotlight, and I'm more than excited. :) I can't even think of a word for it. I've been waiting quite a while, and while reading all these other great books, gave me some help and advice. I think all of #NBR, @DawnStarling, and all the other moderators and members for this opportunity.

I'd like to note, this is my first book and its been going through a lot of editing. Grammar help is appreciated.

1) I've been working on characterization since forever. It seems to be a week point for me. I've been trying to build Alisz character as witty and full of courage and hope. As with Ryder, I've used dialect to set him apart from others as well. Can you se the characters well enough to connect with them and are they believable?

2) I've gotten mixed reviews about the action in this scene. I've tried to make it slow, not rushed, but it is very short at the end. Is there anything I can use with the action here: is it too rushed,, Does it bring out emotion? The very end is suppose to show Ryder's true self, so please keep that in mind.

In-line Comment Preference: Welcome

Genre: Historical Fiction

Rating: PG-13 due to violence and some gore.

Winning Comment: #NBR 

Hello, EisenMadchen!

These are all just suggestions and in no way do you have to take any of them at all! :)

First off, we'd just like to say that the graphic for this story is unique and really eye-catching, and that was how loads of our attention was pulled into the story. We're really excited to read about your story in this 1934 Germany, Pre-World-War-II setting. So with that, let's get on with the review :) →

>"The flowers still on the trees and the bushes of berries around them painted a beautiful scene, but in my head, I couldn't enjoy it." For this sentence here, 'the flowers still on the trees doesn't seem like a sentence, but we do know what you're trying to get across here; with that being said, we suggest that you change that sentence to make it more full and complete, so maybe something along the lines of "The flowers (were) still blooming on the trees and the bushes full of blood-red berries around them painted a beautiful scene, but in my head, I couldn't enjoy any of it." ? That was just a suggestion (as all of these are,) but it might make more sense based off what you're trying to get across with this sentence.

>"I looked out the window once more." Because the next sentence is, "Close to morning, the sun is rising over the trees," maybe you could add a description about what the sunrise looks like here; to add more of a complete, polished feeling to the paragraph. The readers are seeing what the character is seeing and so much more, so you we suggest that you paint that scenic view of what the sunrise looks like slipping up above the trees. Maybe you could try something like this? "I looked out the window once more. A crimson colored sun was slipping up above the slender line of clouds in the distance, shards of pink and orange marking the sky above to create a colorful morning."

And then the other thing we wanted to point out with that paragraph is that after Alisz says to Crystal, "Close to morning. The sun is rising over the trees," I replied." We suggest taking out the "I replied" here because it isn't needed. We already know who is speaking when you say "I looked out the window once more," so you could just say "I looked out the window once more. (sunrise description?) "Close to morning. The sun is rising over the trees." And then we suggest starting a new paragraph saying, "she slowly sat up, yawned, and rubbed her pale, cloudy eyes," and complete the new paragraph you just created by adding in the dialogue she speaks: "How can that be?..." So it might look something like this: