Next Big Recognition Contest

Round 67: Happy 2017

Here are my questions! Sorry in advance for rambling a lot ><

1) This book is going to have heaps of characters and different perspectives, because I'm aiming for the reality show kind of feeling, in which each contestant gets their own screen time. That means a whole lot of people will be introduced, and I'm trying to do it in a way that doesn't get too overwhelming (I hope). So, my question is, are the characters that appear in this chapter memorable enough (as in, if they don't appear in a few chapters and reappear sometime later, will you likely recognize and remember the fact that they exist)? Any suggestions on how to handle this huge cast size would be greatly appreciated!

2) Before joining, I didn't really take my writing seriously (never hoped to be published or anything) and wrote pretty much just for fun. I'm taking this book more seriously and trying to use (I hope) slightly less informal and colloquial language. While it's definitely an improvement from how I used to write (thank you NBR <3 ) I'm a little bit worried that it might affect the flow since it isn't the informal write-down-whatever-I-think style I used to write in. So I guess my question is: Is my writing style in this chapter all right, or does it seem very obvious that I'm in a transition period between two styles where everything sounds tryhard?

3) As I'm from a country where people don't speak English much, I get all my English from the Internet. So what I'd like to know is whether the dialogue (as well as everything else) sounds native enough (for example do I have any recurring sentence structures that are simply ungrammatical)? I'm hoping to become a full-time translator after graduating so I want my English to sound nice haha :D

Thanks again for reading! <3

In-line Comment Preference: Welcome! :D

Genre: Adventure

Rating:  PG

Winning Comment: Hello, mamoritai. I'm sorry this is so close to the deadline. I've been editing and rewriting one of my book for awards contests all week, and I'm only half-way done. I read the first two chapters yesterday while in the laundromat. I found the concept unique and captivating.

COMMENT TOPIC:

Regarding dialogue, there is not much in the chapter at all. There is Cael's inner dialogue, but that does not propel chapter. It is used merely as an expositional device. Because of the style you used in setting up different teams in each chapter, each of these introductory chapters serves as exposition, but also as rising action, since your primary incident occurred a couple of chapters ago (producer).

Your story would serve well if you added more dialogue. Here are some places where dialogue could be added:

When Cael reminisces and is upset that Aubrey has bailed on him for another team, instead of ignoring the text message, have him call Aubrey. (BTW, clarify early on that Aubrey is a guy. The name is typically a girl's name in the US, so I thought he was a she for about half the passage.) During the conversation, have him find out that Aubrey has bailed. You could use dialogue to show that "Aubrey was easygoing, funny, chill." Cael could try to persuade Aubrey to join him, complimenting him on his gaming skills and that they know each other's gaming style the best. You could also continue the persuasion, including the fact that everything's different since they went to college. Cael could go into an asthma attack on the phone while the conversation escalates. By transitioning this section into dialogue, you would eliminate the "telling" by transferring it into "showing."