Next Big Recognition Contest

Round 67: Happy 2017

Another thing that would help us keep track of your characters is pictures. I write Star Wars fanfics. When people in book clubs started reading them, they were lost. Even though I had described the characters, there were more than they could keep track of. When I added in the non-human species, they were even more confused. I created a cast list with pictures. Here: Also, when I introduce a character in a story, I put a picture in:

I also add pictures throughout the story when minor characters reappear after a long absence.

QUESTION 2:

Your writing style is fine. Some of the earlier paragraphs have redundancies, but other than that, I found it well-written. I could not tell that you were in a transition period. I also enjoyed the less-formal dialogue. Many writers who transition from one to another, usually forget that dialogue is supposed to be informal unless you have a stuffy butler or royalty (or protocol droid).

QUESTION 3:

As for dialogue within the characters, Mia's is great. It typifies her character perfectly.

I know you were aiming at making Tristan seem suave and debonair through the dialogue and how he offered his card. I think you succeeded at that, even though I mentioned it seems awkward that he would do that to a college student.

Fischer has so few lines, I cannot determine whether is dialogue is natural or forced.

As for Cael, I'm not sure if his dialogue rings true or not. Where he introduces himself to Tristan, it might work better for him to just correct him, cutting Tristan off with a firm "Cael." Have Cael glare at Tristan after that and then move onto "This is Fischer, and you must be Mia." Have Cael show some interest. He's a college student. His hormones are raging. Unless he's gay, he should be showing some interest in a beautiful girl being introduced to him. And if he's into guys, then he should be showing interest in muscle-bound Fischer or suave and debonair Tristan.

GENERAL COMMENTS:

I enjoyed your book and think that it is an original concept. I think it has a lot of promise. I was a little confused when I read the first chapter (producer). Now that the contestants are being introduced, I think it has great promise.

GENERAL COMMENTS (CONT.)

Your cover is adequate, but the tan background and static controller don't convey the excitement that is bound to be in the book. If you are aiming at other gamers, pick a texture that will entice them. I'm thinking something like the Tron backgrounds or a space background. Here's an aesthetic: OR use something that would represent the "Brutal Realms" concept. I'm not sure what it will be, as I haven't read the rest of your story. Go for a metallic font, too. Try .

I thought it was odd that Tristan would be trying to book a modeling contract for Mia with Cael when Cael is obviously in college. He should have at least found out what lien of work Cael is in before doing that. When Tristan finds out Cael is just a college student, he could react with a disdainful attitude and facial expression for the rest of the story, not giving Cael the time of day.